[sighs]
I have kids and I lie to them.
I get high around 'em, too.
People say you shouldn't do that, but they don't see it.
They say you shouldn't be intoxicated around your children.
Well, I'm not. I'm high.
I call it "elevated." It's a different thing.
The people who have a problem with that,
they don't understand what getting high is.
Like, they think you're gonna be to your kid, like, "Who are you?"
What do you think?
What's the worst thing that can happen if I'm a little high around my kid?
They're gonna get extra hugs,
and daddy's going to be paranoid about objects.
"Look out.
Don't go there."
That's it. Plus, I have cool conversations.
I have a six-year-old daughter, man.
There's not a lot of 48-year-old man and 6-year-old girl have in common,
other than the fact she's my daughter.
And so, our conversations are normally pretty boring.
But when I'm high, I'm like, "You know, you call that thing your baby, your doll.
You call it your baby, but you know it's not a baby, right?"
"Yeah, I know it's not a baby."
"Do you call it a baby because you're the youngest
and you like having someone who is responsible for you?"
"Maybe."
"Okay. That's cool. That's cool. Give me a hug. I love you."
[kisses]
It's weird, man. It's weird raising little people.
There's some things that I didn't expect.
One of the things I didn't expect is you have to lie to them.
Like, you don't have to lie to them about a lot of things,
but you have to lie to them about Santa Claus.
It's just one of those things, man, 'cause it's like a community.
You have to think about what your kid's gonna tell other kids.
Because when it comes to Santa Claus,
you don't want your kid to be one of two things.
You don't want your kid to be the first kid
that tells everyone that Santa Claus is bullshit,
'cause that kid's an asshole.
But you don't want your kid to be the last kid
that figures out that Santa Claus is bullshit,
'cause that kid's a moron.
So you got... You got a little bit of...
You're like, "Oh, no.
When do we do this? When do we do this?"
And no one knows when to do it. You just let the kids figure it out.
Then they're like, "Dad, what the fuck?" You're like, "Aw...
Oh, I missed the boat. I missed the boat."
Nobody knows when to do it. Nobody can be honest about it.
They have little meetings and shit.
And I'm like, "When do we tell 'em?" This lady goes, "When they're 11."
They're gonna be fucking by then.
I told her it was funny. She didn't believe me.
I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm off by a year."
That's not as funny, but it's...
I didn't mean it.
But it's this thing. They want to keep the kids in the dark.
And they wanna pretend they're the only one that's teaching the kid.
This is a weird thing that people do.
They're like, "I teach my kids, man. I teach my kids."
"Eh... when you see 'em."
But unless you're some freak who homeschools your children in the forest,
your kid's gonna go to school.
They're gonna go to school, and they're gonna be in a class with 50 other kids.
The teacher only makes 20 bucks a year, and she's thinking about dick.
That's all she's thinking about.
She's thinking about getting stuffed.
She's a young, fertile woman who loves kids.
And she's writing on that chalkboard.
And the kids all huddle up and share information.
Like, "Yeah, what did your dad tell you? Your dad tell you that, yeah?
My dad says Santa Claus is fucking bullshit, okay?
You ever go near a chimney?
It's that big. What the fuck?
Teacher's coming. Play with blocks.
Act stupid.
Uh, how does this work?"
They play dumb. They play dumb!
They're like little prisoners, trying to figure their way out.
They make little papier-mâché heads and pretend they're napping.
They're little humans.
They wanna run shit.
"Who is these people telling us what to do?
Are they being straight with us, man?
What the fuck is going on?"
I knew the day my daughter knew that Santa Claus is bullshit.
She came home, stared me down.
She was, like, mad-dogging me.
She took her book bag, and just goes... [scoffs]
Walked right up to the chimney,
looking at me.
"How the fuck?"
"Dad, have you ever met Santa Claus?"
"No, honey, I've never met him."
"But you let him in the house?"
And there's this moment...
It was a moment where a seven-year-old has you at checkmate.
You're like, "Oh, shit."
I don't know whether to high-five her or to keep lying.
You wanna go, "Yeah, you got me. You got me. You got me. That's bullshit.
No, the big bang is real, but this is bullshit."
The big bang sounds even less real.
The problem is, you have to be consistent.