You know, I used to be terrible at talking to people.
- So... what do you do?
- I umm....
I do original content creation for a third-party platform
in which I perform monologues to camera
that fuse comedy and mental health awareness
that are then interrupted sporadically with cut-aways
to illustrate or negate the points that I'm making
within the monologue—either for comedic sake or to emphasize what I've just said.
- So...
YouTube videos ?
- Yeah, I guess. Yeah.
And in an effort to get better at that, I took improv classes...
- Freeze!
- Alright, I'm gonna stop you guys right there. Okay, this is not a gun.
This is a gun.
Okay? This is just your hand.
This is how we shoot a gun.
- Um actually... that's... that's...
a really.... uh...
bad misconception.
You don't wanna ever put your finger on the trigger
until you're actually ready to shoot.
Uh, for safety reasons you keep it straight along the gun.
*deep thud* - Oh wow
I... I've never used a firearm
and that's abundantly clear now.
I'm-I'm so sorry, my... uh... my entire improvisation philosophy has been built on lies.
Read books...
- Hi! Can I help you find anything?
- Yes, I'm just looking for a book
that will tell me how to like...
win friends...
and like not manipulate, but... but influence people ?
- Oh, by Dale Carnegie? Yeah, we have that! Follow me!
- OooOo
I made a real effort in conversations to try to ignore my own self-consciousness
and really put the focus on them.
- So...
Are you...
a...
Taurus ?
- No.
- [whispers] Damn it...
- I've been reading this amazing book lately
called 'How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk'
by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish,
and right off the bat—like the first chapter—the authors describe
that there are 7 ways we respond to people that deny connection,
make the other person feel unheard, and are ultimately just bad ways to respond.
And I am guilty of all of them!
They are: Denying People's Feelings...
- Uh... it's so hot!
- Really ? It's like, so cold in here, I feel like I'm in Antarctica.
Philosophical Response...
- It just sucks that I got fired.
- Maybe the universe is telling you that this job isn't where you were meant to be.
Maybe rejection is divine protection.
- Ugh
Questions...
- I can't believe he just dumped me out of nowhere!
- Did you guys fight right before-hand?
- No, we were fine.
- Did he give any hints?
Defense Of The Other Person...
- Dude, my boss was being such a jerk today.
- Maybe she was having a bad day or something.
I mean, we never really know what's going on with people.
*sigh*
Pity...
- Oh my god you poor thing! That is just so terrible!
I am so sorry for you! I could just like, cry!
Amateur Psychoanalysis...
- Have you ever thought that maybe you get upset because your boss represents your mother,
and so when she tells you what to do it triggers your rebellion against authority ?
And the one I'm the biggest off ender of... *drumroll*
Giving Advice! -
- You know what you should do? Therapy.
Everyone
should be
IN THERAPY.
Though all of these responses come naturally to us in conversation,
ultimately, they make the person you're talking to feel worse.
And the authors say that the best response is
—you guessed it—
an empathetic one.
Acknowledge the other person's feelings,
give them a chance to really talk through what's upsetting them,
and... listen.
- Wow, that must have been so hard,
to be yelled at like that in front of all those people,
especially when you've been putting in all this extra work.
That must have felt, like, humiliating!
As kids, we're raised, and often our feelings are denied,
so it makes sense that as adults, our automatic responses in conversation
ultimately deny the feelings of others.
But knowing this also made me so much more aware of how often I do it
just every day, in like every conversation with people that I love.
And obviously, I want to cultivate connection and let people feel heard,
so now I'm making a very conscious effort
to make my responses empathetic in nature,
and it is oddly harder than you would think!
I'm Anna Akana, and so thank you to Audible for sponsoring today's video.
Listening makes us smarter, more connected people,
and there's no better place to listen than Audible.
Audible members choose 3 titles every month :
one audiobook + two Audible Originals that you can't hear anywhere else.
You can go to audible.com/anna
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and browse their unmatched selection of audio content.
So today's video is all about the book I'm currently listening to:
'How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk'.
As you guys may know, I'm currently on this HUGE non-fiction binge,
specifically with books that pertain to relationships of any kind.
And though I don't have kids
and my cats cannot talk,
I have had so many people in the comment section recommend this book to me,
so thank you because it has highlighted
the many ways that I deny people's feelings on a daily basis,
and I can't change that unless I'm aware,
so this book has just brought so much great awareness to conversation,
and how I can be a better listener and acknowledger of people's valid experiences and emotions.
Start listening with a 30-day trial and your first audiobook plus two Audible Originals are free
when you go to audible.com/anna or text ANNA to 500-500.