But you watch the news and it's like,
"Well, we can't change the gun laws
because every American has the right to protect their home."
Every American has the right to protect their home.
That's true, they got that right.
But you ever notice that almost all the mass shooters,
none of them own homes?
They all live with their fucking mothers.
No, man. They gotta change the gun laws. Here's the deal. Here's what I think.
I think, in order for you to get a gun in the United States of America,
you should have to have a mortgage.
That's right. That's a background check for your ass.
Shit, if you got a 739 credit score, you ain't killing nobody.
See, the mortgage make you act right.
How many times you been ready to quit your job?
Just ready to quit. Like, "I can't take this shit."
"These people don't know how to use me."
"My skills are going to waste."
"I'm too smart for these people. I'm going in there tomorrow,
and I'mma quit this job."
And you walk in there, and you think you gonna quit,
and you see that boss and you think, "That fucking mortgage."
"I'mma be here 30 more years."
"If I'm lucky."
Shit, having a mortgage make you act right.
How many times you been ready to smack the shit out of somebody at work?
Just smack… Yeah, I ain't the only one.
Just ready to smack the shit, like,
"I can't believe this motherfucker think they can talk to me this way."
"Tomorrow, I'mma smack the shit out this one."
You start doing push-ups.
You dip your hand in lard.
"I'mma smack him with a crispy hand."
"I'm gonna have a layer of crispy on my hand
when I smack this motherfucker."
"That's right. I might Buffalo smack this motherfucker."
Dip it in some hot sauce, too.
And right before you could smack the shit out this motherfucker,
you run up to him, you're like… "Whoo!"
"You're lucky I'm trying to re-finance."
That's right. Mortgage makes you act right.
There ain't nothing better than a good mortgage.
If you got a good mortgage,
God has blessed you.
"What is a good mortgage?" you might ask.
A mortgage that allows you to live your life.
To do things, to go places, to buy shit.
If you got a mortgage that's like that,
then your God has shined His light on you.
But if you got a bad mortgage, whoo…
Hell hath no fury
like a bad mortgage.
"What is a bad mortgage?" you ask.
Well, a bad mortgage is any mortgage that doesn't allow you to do anything
but pay your motherfucking mortgage.
That is a bad mortgage.
You can't go nowhere,
you can't even come to this motherfucking show.
You gotta watch Delirious on VCR.
That's right.
When you got a bad mortgage, boy,
you need to get your eyebrows done one at a time.
"I'mma get the left done right now,
and in about three weeks, I might get the right done."
"I might."
"I don't know if I'll have the money."
"I'm trying to go to Whole Foods later."
"Shit's expensive."
That's right. One of them bad Suge Knight mortgages
where your house is just looking at you, like,
"Where's my money, bitch?"
"It's death row, motherfucker!"
That's right. Nothing like a bad mortgage that you all fucked up.
That's right. Where you're like a meth addict.
And the house is the dealer.
And you're like, "Please, I'm just trying to get this basement fixed."
"I'll do anything. I'll suck your dick."