Hello I m Darren Magee and today s video is covering several questions around the same
subject. How and why do narcissistic people target and attack someone's self-confidence,
their self esteem and indeed their sense himself? Another question is how does narcissistic
abuse affect someone's self esteem and their self-confidence? Before I begin, I would like to
point out that a narcissist is not necessarily someone who can be selfish or maybe difficult
to get along with from time to time. I think they were all honest we can all be a bit difficult once
in a while. But narcissism is characterised by a sense of entitlement. There's been self absorbed,
being highly disagreeable and they can be highly sensitive or resistant to criticism. There's also
a lack of empathy for others and can be very envious of others, as well as believing others
should be envious of them. These characteristics would be long term, they would be persistent,
they would be pervasive. If you will they re like a default setting. There are some situations,
for example may be a workplace or maybe a social setting where a narcissistic bully
will target someone with low self-confidence, low self esteem. They re easier to torment, they
re easier to control. But there are other times and this would be more common in say a personal
relationship such as a romantic relationship or a friendship but they will target someone who
is maybe quite confident. They re ambitious, they're happy and will chip away at them a
little piece at a time. And this can involve, among other things, projection, gaslighting,
psychological and emotional manipulation, and abuse. When it comes to self esteem,
self esteem is not necessarily what I think or what I feel about me. More often than not,
it's what I think others think and feel about me. For example, if you were talking to someone and
they were making eye contact, they were answering your questions, laughing at your jokes you
generally feel okay. However if you were talking to someone who just talked over the top of you,
answered a completely different question, or smirked when you were trying to be serious,
or just told you to shut up, you generally don't feel so good. So a narcissist often
attacks the victim s self esteem by leading them to believe that they are always wrong, they're
not important. They are not enough to please them. They are of no relevance. Their thoughts,
feelings or experiences are not important. There is a lot of invalidation, a lack of affirmation
and a lot of negative feedback. There can be criticism over beliefs, behaviours, aspirations,
even physical characteristics. Many accused their victims of having selfish or ulterior
motives for anything they do, or indeed don't do. Many victims are led to believe that even their
basic needs are selfish. If their victim were to have some good news, maybe they achieve something,
accomplish something for instance maybe they've just won a marathon or something, a narcissist
isn't really going to mention it that it's not on their radar. They don't really care. Unless of
course it's to criticise it. Other than that it's not worth acknowledging they wouldn't share that
good news with anyone else, showing a bit of pride in their friend or their partner. Unless of course
they get to claim some credit for it. And many narcissists often isolate their victims from their
own friends, from their own families so the only feedback they get is from the narcissist. When
someone is in a situation or a relationship with someone who continually devalues them, rejects
them, criticise them, even ignores them of course their self esteem is going to suffer. Remember
it's not what I think of me. It s what I think someone else thinks of me. Now when it comes to
self-confidence, I often think of self-confidence is just recognising your qualities,
your strengths, your accomplishments, but also being aware of areas where you may struggle,
areas you might like to develop. A narcissist will target both. They will play down someone's
strengths, their qualities but highlight their weaknesses, their faults. As I said narcissists
can be quite envious. They see anything their victim can do or has, that might be a blow to
their ego so they often criticises and devalue them. They can behave with a self-righteous or an
intellectual superiority. Be very condescending and demoralising. They lead their victims to
believe that they know better than they do or everyone else knows better than they do,
and they shouldn't be making any choices or making any decisions without consulting with them first.
They look for what they believe to be weaknesses and others. Now that weakness might be just a one
time shared secret, something that didn't work out for someone, a minor embarrassment. But they find
these things and they exploit them. Victims are often left feeling as if they are always on the
back foot. So how and why do they do it? Well it can happen in different ways. For example,
there could be temper tantrums, there could be intimidation, there could be threats.
There can also be guilt tripping and shaming and undermining and sabotaging. But they can also,
and this would especially be in the early days of a relationship, they can be quite subtle,
almost quite insidious. This might include withdrawing or showing, but not necessarily
voicing displeasure. They may even claim good intentions, like, I'm only trying to help, I'm
only trying to do what's best. Generally, victims are lied to. They re confused with nonsensical
reasoning, circular arguments, illogical logic. Disagreements often become emotive arguments
rather than about negotiation or even problem solving. They hold their victims to unrealistic
and unfair expectations and continually change the conditions. So the victims never really reach
the standards that are required of them, and often feel as if they can't do anything right. And again
when it comes to the envy many narcissistic people only really feel good about themselves if they're
feeling better than other people. But they can also be very jealous. They can be jealous over
their victims other friendships their other relationships. I think that's often why they
tend to isolate them. Narcissistic abuse can go on for years. A lot of it can be very much under
the radar. It's very well hidden because the only person who sees it is the victim. Maybe the only
things ever done or said in front of other people might be little jokes with jags which an outsider
might just see as harmless fun. The victim fears that no one's going to believe them,
or if they react in some way it might look as if they are over reacting. To answer the last
question about the impact of narcissistic abuse on someone's self-confidence and self esteem.
First of all I would say I don't think it helps that many narcissistic people often blame their
victims on their own low self esteem, and their low confidence, under load sense of self worth.
They might say things like, Well you wouldn't feel that way if you were trying a bit harder,
or, You wouldn't feel that way if you were a bit more like me, did what I say, or, Why can't you
just be more positive? In the long term many victims can find it hard to make decisions,
second guess themselves a lot. Not that they are trying to make the right decision, but they fear
making the wrong one. If they're still in that relationship, they may begin to hide any news at
all from the narcissist whether it's good or bad because one is going to be criticised on the other
one's going to be exploited. They also begin to hide their true thoughts, their true feelings, for
fear of either invalidation or criticism. A lot of these feelings get internalised. Now in the short
term that's maybe not necessarily a bad thing. It might get them through a difficult moment. But in
the long term that could be quite unhealthy. There can be a lot of internalised disgust over what has
happened to them. There can be a lot of shame over how they have been portrayed how they've
been painted to other people. That's not who they are. There can be a lot of anger over how they ve
been treated what has happened to them. It is so damned unfair. It is so damned unjust. When
anger becomes internalised, whenever it just gets turned inwards, different things start to
happen. Sometimes it can become quite dulled and it tends to come out as depression. Other times it
might become quite corrosive so it tends to come out as resentment. Where there is depression,
their energy their enthusiasm can lower. Some stop looking after themselves. They find it
difficult just to practise self-care doing things in their own best interest. They may lose their
assertiveness, find it difficult to stand up for themselves if they're being treated unfairly by
others so just accept any poor feedback or any criticism. Some cases even their sense of humour
becomes quite self deprecating. They can feel a sense of loss over the person they once were, or
perhaps the person they could have been, develop a negative view of the world, of other people,
and indeed themselves. There can be a lot of rumination over past interactions, past events,
past conversations with the narcissistic person. Our brains really don't like things that don't
make sense. That's why we go over things again and again. We're trying to make sense of them,
trying to fill in the blanks. Narcissistic people generally don't make a lot of sense.
A lot of their behaviour is quite destructive and even ultimately self defeating. Some victims
of narcissistic abuse find it difficult to trust other people. They, it's almost like
they see narcissists everywhere, even fear being a narcissist themselves. Now if you are or have
been in an unhealthy abusive relationship I would invite you to think about contacting someone for
some support, some advice. I m going to add a few links to some organisations that might be useful
in the description of this video. But counselling is a good place to start. A councillor will do
what the narcissist wouldn't, they will listen to you, they will validate you and they'll help you
to tap into your own sense of self efficacy. So that's a brief outline of how and why
narcissists target people's self esteem and their self-confidence. Now, if there's anything
I haven't added anything I've forgotten please feel free to use the comment box below. There are
some interesting conversations start around these videos. But if you found this video helpful if you
found it interesting please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time, thanks for
watching. Before you think you're a worthless failure who will never achieve anything. Before
you think, you're of no value to anyone and no one cares. Take a look at the company you re in.