THE OTHER BIG STORY COMES FROM THE GREAT STATE OF CONFUSION,
FORMERLY KNOWN AS IOWA, WHERE LAST NIGHT THEY ATTEMPTED TO
HOLD A CAUCUS.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY NEW LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT:
THANK YOU, CORN MAN.
LAST NIGHT, IOWA WAS SUPPOSED TO KICK OFF THE 2020 ELECTION.
INSTEAD THEY KICKED DEMOCRACY RIGHT IN THE OLD HANGING CHAD.
THERE WERE NO RESULTS.
NONE.
CABLE NEWS ANCHORS LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE DROWNING.
YOU COULD SMELL THE PANIC COMING OFF OF WOLF BLITZER AND
JOHN KING: >> RIGHT NOW SO FAR, JOHN, WE
GOT ZE-ZE-- NOTHING COMING IN FROM THE STATE
>> WE GOT NOTHING AND THIS IS CONFUSING TO THE PEOPLE WATCHING
AT HOME.
> "AND EVEN MORE CONFUSING TO US. THE NOTHINGNESS, THE
NOTHINGNESS.
AS I GAZE INTO THE GAPING MAW OF OBLIVION.
LIFE ITSELF IS MEANINGLESS.
THE STARS BLINDLY RUN.
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ANCHOR HERE.
ANDERSON?"
SO THAT'S IT.
ALL THROUGH THE EVENING, EVERY DISTRICT WAS OFFICIALLY
REPORTING AT ZERO.
OR AS TOM STEYER WOULD SAY, "I'M TIED FOR FIRST!"
( LAUGHTER )
THREE YEARS THAT THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR
LIFETIMES.
AND ON DAY ONE, THE DEMOCRATS DOWN IN DES MOINES SHANK IT.
THEY CAN'T EVEN COUNT FARMERS HOLDING THEIR HANDS UP IN A HIGH
SCHOOL GYM.
WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHERE ARE WE?
IS THIS HELL?
>> IT'S IOWA.
( LAUGHTER )
FOR THE RECORD, THIS IS NOT EVEN THE FIRST IOWA
CLUSTER-CAUC.
BACK IN 2016 THERE WAS A VIRTUAL TIE BETWEEN HILLARY CLINTON AND
MR. SANDERS.
IOWA REPUBLICANS EVENTUALLY FOUND SOMEONE WHITER THAN MITT
ROMNEY.
SO HOW DID IOWA GET SO THOROUGHLY CAUCUS-BLOCKED?
THIS YEAR CAUCUS VOLUNTEERS WERE SUPPOSED TO REPORT RESULTS USING
A NEW SMARTPHONE APP.
THE TROUBLE IS, MOST ELDERLY VOLUNTEERS HAD TROUBLE
DOWNLOADING IT ON TO THEIR GARAGE DOOR OPENERS.
( LAUGHTER )
SIGNIFICANTLY DELAYED BECAUSE THE NEW APP HAD A CODING ISSUE.
THAT EXPLAINS WHY CNN INITIALLY PROJECTED THE WINNER WAS SENATOR
ERROR: 404, FILE NOT FOUND.
THE APP WAS DEVELOPED BY A COMPANY CALLED-- AND THIS IS
REAL-- SHADOW INC.
THE APP WAS SUPPOSED TO COUNT THE VOTES AND I THINK KILL JAMES
BOND?
EVEN IF THIS APP WORKED PERFECTLY IT WOULDN'T HAVE
MATTERED BECAUSE APPARENTLY PEOPLE WERE STRUGGLING TO EVEN
LOG IN OR DOWNLOAD IT, AND THERE HAD NEVER BEEN ANY APP-SPECIFIC
TRAINING FOR LOCAL OFFICIALS.
NO, JUST LIKE IN ALL PREVIOUS IOWA CAULKS, STAFF WERE FOLDING
UP CHAIRS AND SAYING PLEASE REFRAIN FROM LICKING THE BUTTER
SCULPTURES.
PRECINCT CHAIRMAN TRIED TO CALL THEIR RESULTS INTO A HOT LINE
BUT IT WAS UNDERSTAFFED AND THEY COULDN'T GET THROUGH.
ONE GUY HAD BEEN ON HOLD FOR OVER AN HOUR WHEN HE WAS
INTERVIEWED BY WOLF BLITZER.
>> ARE YOU HEARING?
I KNOW YOU'RE LISTENING TO A CONVERSATION FROM THE IOWA
DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
>> UHM...
>> I CAN HELP YOU?
>> THIS IS A REAL COINCIDENCE, WOLF.
I JUST GOT OFF HOLD, JUST NOW.
>> HELLO?
>> SO I'VE GOT TO GET OFF THE PHONE TO REPORT THE RESULTS.
>> ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD.
>> HELLO?
>> CAN WE LISTEN IN AS YOU REPORT THEM, SEAN.
>> YUP.
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S LISTEN.
>> OKAY, HI, HELLO?
THEY HUNG UP ON ME.
>> Stephen: NO!
NO!
LEAVE THEM ALONE, WOLF!
YOU LITERALLY BROKE THE NEWS!
( LAUGHTER )
ZERO PRECINCTS WERE REPORTING DID NOT STOP THE CANDIDATES FROM
CLAIMING VICTORY, ESPECIALLY FORMER SOUTH BEND MAYOR AND
ACTOR WHOSE FRIEND OFFERED TO TAKE HIS HEAD SHOT FOR FREE
INDEPENDENT ALLEY, PETE BUTTIGIEG.
BUT SOME OF THE MAYOR'S SUPPORTERS WERE HAVING SECOND
THOUGHTS, LIKE THIS WOMAN WHO VOTED FOR MAYOR PETE, BUT
MOMENTS LATER, FOUND OUT HIS NOT A SECRET.
>> ARE YOU SAYING THAT HE HAS THE SAME-SEX PARTNER?
>> PETE?
YES.
>> YEAH.
>> ARE YOU KIDDING?
>> HE'S MARRIED TO HIM, YES.
>> WELL, THEN I DON'T WANT ANYBODY LIKE THAT IN THE WHITE
HOUSE.
SO CAN I HAVE MY CARD BACK?
>> HOW COME THIS HAS NEVER BEEN BROUGHT OUT BEFORE?
>> IT'S COMMON KNOWLEDGE.
( LAUGHTER )
HAS ANYONE TOLD HIS ROOMMATE, CHASTIN, BECAUSE THEY'RE VERY
GOOD FRIEND.
THIS IS TERRIBLE, I'M OFF TO THE ELTON JOHN CONCERT.
WHAT!
BUT THE TINY DANCER!
( LAUGHTER )
OUT AND SAY HE WON, BUT HE DID HAVE AN OPTIMISTIC MESSAGE FOR
ALL HIS SUPPORTERS.
>> LET ME BEGIN BY STATING THAT I IMAGINE, HAVE A STRONG FEELING
THAT AT SOME POINT, THE RESULTS WILL BE ANNOUNCED.
( CHEERS )
( AS BERNIE ) I ALSO HAVE A STRONG FEELING
THAT THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW.
BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR THAT TOMORROW THERE WILL BE SUN.
A BOTTOM DOLLAR THAT YOU WILL HAVE WHEN I RAISE THE MARGINAL
TAX RATE ON DADDY WARBUCKS.
IT'S A HARD KNOCK LIFE FOR HIM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOBODY GIVES A SMIDGE WHEN YOU
LIVE IN AN ORPHANAGE.
♪ ♪ ♪
THIS AFTERNOON, WE FINALLY GOT SOME RESULTS.
MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG HAS A NARROW LEAD WITH 62% OF
PRECINCTS REPORTING.
THAT'S RIGHT.
24 HOURS LATER, THE IOWA DEMOCRATIC PARTY WAS PROUD TO
ANNOUNCE THEY ARE ALMOST TWO-THIRDS COMPETENT.
( LAUGHTER )
FOR THE BUTTIGIEG CAMPAIGN, AND THE MAYOR JUMPED ALL OVER IT
WITH A SPEECH IN NEW HAMPSHIRE.
>> THEY'RE NOT COMPLETE, BUT RESULTS ARE IN FOR A MAJORITY OF
PRECINCTS, AND THEY SHOW OUR CAMPAIGN IN FIRST PLACE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU,
MR. MAYOR!
BUT THAT'S LIKE THE 49ers COMING OUT IN THE SECOND HALF
AND GOING, "THE MAJORITY OF THE QUARTERS ARE IN, AND THEY SHOW
OUR TEAM WINNING 20-10.
CONGRATULATIONS!"
"WE'RE GOING ALL THE-- I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!
WHO'S WITH ME?
LET'S GO TO DISNEY.
>> Jon: NOT YET.
>> Stephen: SO WHAT'S ALL THIS MEAN?
WELL, SOME PEOPLE SAY THIS DEBACLE IS GOING TO END THE IOWA
CAUCUS, BUT OTHERS ARE MORE OPTIMISTIC AND SAY IT'S GOING TO
END IOWA.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK