>>HEY CHIEF.
I JUST GOT A CALL ABOUT THE GUY WHO ROBBED
THAT JEWELRY STORE.
>>GOOD, DID YOU GET A DESCRIPTION?
>>YEAH.HE'S TALL, HISPANIC-
>>WHOA! PETERSON!
THAT'S KIND OF RACIST.
DON'T YOU THINK?
>>SAYING HIS ETHNICITY IS RACIST?
>>YES!
WHAT IF THE GUY IS MIDDLE EASTERN?
OR HALF-HISPANIC, HALF-FILIPINO?
>>I'M HALF FILIPINO.
>>AND HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF SOMEONE SAID YOU WERE HISPANIC,
ROGERS?
>>EXCITED?
>>NO, NO.
THAT IS WRONG.
YOU'D FEEL DISCRIMINATED.
>>SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DESCRIBE THE PERPETRATOR
WITHOUT SAYING HIS ETHNICITY?
>>UM, I DON'T KNOW? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF HEIGHT?
WEIGHT?
TO WHAT DEGREE THEY LOOK LIKE KEVIN BACON.
>>OKAY, BUT THOSE THINGS CAN
ONLY TAKE YOU SO FAR.
>>OKAY JONES.
YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THERE ARE OTHER
WAYS TO DESCRIBE SOMEONE.
>>OK. WHAT DO YOU MEAN ME OF ALL PEOPLE?
>>BECAUSE YOU'RE SHORT.
>>TOUCHÉ.
>>NOW, WHAT WAS YOUR PERP WEARING?
>>HE WAS WEARING A SOMBRERO.
>>YOU CAN'T SAY THAT EITHER!
PEOPLE WILL TOTALLY THINK YOU'RE PROFILING.
>>BUT THAT WAS ACTUALLY WHAT HE WAS WEARING!
>>OK PETERSON, NOT EVERYTHING IS ONE
COLOR AND ANOTHER COLOR.
>>YOU MEAN BLACK AND WHITE?
>>I'M THIS CLOSE TO TAKING YOUR BADGE.
NOW READ YOUR REPORT BACK TO ME WITHOUT THE OFFENSIVE PARTS.
>>NOTHING IN THE DESCRIPTION IS OFFENSIVE,
BUT OKAY, MY SEARCH REQUEST IS FOR A
PERSON WITH AN ACCENT FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE,
WHO IS WEARING A TRADITIONAL HAT FROM A CULTURE,
HE IS ALSO SIX FEET TALL-
>>WHOA.
CAN'T SAY THAT EITHER.
THAT'S OFFENSIVE TO EUROPEANS.
>>WHAT?
>>SOME PEOPLE USE THE METRIC SYSTEM!
I FIND IT BEST JUST TO COMPARE PEOPLE TO THE
HEIGHT OF OTHER THINGS.
WAS HE AS TALL AS A TREE OR AS SHORT AS A SMALLER TREE?
>>OKAY NO ONE WILL EVER FIND HIM!
HE COULD BE A BILLION DIFFERENT PEOPLE!
>>GREAT!
WE'VE ALREADY NARROWED IT DOWN BY SIX BILLION PEOPLE!
>>OKAY, LET'S SAY I NEEDED TO FILE A
REPORT FOR A 45-YEAR OLD FEMALE DRUG DEALER WITH A-
>>AH, NO YOU CAN'T SAY FEMALE; SEXISM.
WHAT IF IT TURNS OUT SHE'S A MAN WITH VERY FEMININE LEGS?
I'M LIKE THAT.
>>WOW.
>>OK.
>>ALRIGHT.
SO I HAVE TO SAY, I WANT TO REPORT A
45-YEAR OLD HOUR GLASS SHAPED FORM?
>>YEAH, BUT WATCH HOW YOU SAY SHE'S 45.
YOU MADE IT SOUND LIKE YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS OLD.
MAKE IT SOUND MORE CELEBRATORY.
>>45!
>>NO NOT LIKE IT'S BETTER THAN ANY OTHER AGE.
>>45.
>>PERFECT.
>>HEY CAPTAIN, UPDATE ON THE BANK ROBBERY CASE.
I NEED A WARRANT OUT FOR A JUNIPER BUSH-HEIGHT THING WITH A
NICE FACE WHO DRESSES FANCY.
>>YEAH, AND EVERYONE BE ON THE LOOKOUT
FOR A HUMAN BEING WEARING PANTS.
THEY WERE LAST SEEN AT A STORE THAT SPECIALIZES IN
THINGS SOME PEOPLE LIKE, BUT OTHERS DON'T
AND THAT'S OKAY.
>>SEE?
HANSEN AND WATTS GOT THE MEMO.
GOOD LUCK GUYS!
YOU'LL GET HIM OR HER OR IT!
>>THOSE SENTENCES DESCRIBED NOTHING ABOUT ANYONE!
>>YEAH, FOR ALL WE KNOW,
ONE OF THOSE WARRANTS COULD BE FOR YOU!
>>WHAT?
>>YEAH.
YOU COULD BE THE HEIGHT OF A JUNIPER BUSH.
>>UH CLEARLY I'M THE SIZE OF A DOUGLAS FIR!
LOOK PEOPLE, THIS IS THE WORLD
WE LIVE IN NOW.
SO TAKE YOUR SKINS OF VARIOUS PERFECTLY HUED TONES OUT
OF HERE AND GET TO WORK!
>>CATCH THAT JUNIPER BUSH-HEIGHT,
FANCY DRESSED THING!
>>HEY DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT GYPSY?
HILARIOUS
>>WHAT?