[Please keep these CC clean] [Go to English (Canada) for funny asides]
ISHIDA: Don't you walk away from me, Kurosaki Ichigo.
ICHIGO: "Oooo, look at me! I'm Uryū Ishida."
"I wear reflective glasses and use people's full names."
Get bent, Ishida.
ISHIDA: We have not concluded our fight.
ICHIGO: Like I told you several minutes ago off-screen, I don't care about Quincies.
ISHIDA: Orrr dooo youuuu...?
ICHIGO: I don't.
ISHIDA: Maybe you do.
ICHIGO: Maybe I hate you.
Look - Ishida, I'm going home. I'm not really sure what a Quincy is...
But unless you're going to appeal to the British royalty for me on behalf of American settlers...
I don't really care--
...You have my attention.
ISHIDA: I propose a duel, Kurosaki Ichigo.
I use this to summon *hundreds of Hollows* and we see shall who kill the most!
ICHIGO: Endanger hundreds of lives,
Endanger hundreds of lives, risk widespread spiritual disturbance,
Endanger hundreds of lives, risk widespread spiritual disturbance, citywide genocide,
Endanger hundreds of lives, risk widespread spiritual disturbance, citywide genocide, and the lives of our loved ones?!
ISHIDA: And look daaaamn cooool.
ICHIGO: Yeah, we will!
And where did you get that thing, anyways?
ISHIDA: Soul Reaper fact #346:
In 1876, the American government created a special tablet that acted as a control beacon for their robot Hollows.
Use of this device facilitated the Hollow threat and added credit to the Soul Reaper theory among the masses, showcasing the need (for) such a force to exist.
This myth also heavily insisted that Hollows are naturally occurring
and furthermore, allowed the continued constant surveillance by the government through them.
ICHIGO: ...Now without the fast-forward button.
ISHIDA: It begiiinnnss...
[♫ Masakazu Morita - "Just Bleach" ♫]
KISUKE: I haven't heard the word "Quincy" in... forever.
RUKIA: I figured you'd know what they are.
KISUKE: Listen up, favorite customer.
Quincies are a race of Hollow hunter sorta-type-things who used to exist in spades.
They were *wiped out* when they wouldn't do what the Soul Reapers said.
RUKIA: Bet they liked that.
KISUKE: Oh, they loved it. They screamed for more.
RUKIA: Oh, I bet.
They're all gone, then?
KISUKE: Every single one... except this arts and crafts kid a' yours.
RUKIA: I guess they're really extinct, then.
KISUKE: For sure. Every single one - dead.
It's not like they just have a standing army just sitting there...
waiting... in the shadows...
RUKIA: That's stupid. Quincies are stupid.
MENOS [faintly]: Hiiiiiiiiii...
CHAD: Malsumis, I'm sorry for killing you.
Had I known you woulda come back I would have not have done that thing that killed you.
Malsumis is upset at all the local industrialization. I must lead it away from the industry.
'I must lead it somewhere where nobody important will get hurt.'
A field full of children.
Perfect!
KARIN: Hey; you're Ichigo's friend--
CHAD: We must move!
KARIN: What are we doing?
CHAD: We are trying to *not* be killed by Malsumis. He is the God of Chaos.
KARIN: We'll be fine.
CHAD: How do you know that?
KARIN: I don't believe in Malsumis.
CHAD: I do not understand.
KARIN: I don't believe in anything.
Ghosts, gods, dragons, fire trucks - you name it, I don't believe in it.
CHAD: Oh.
KARIN: I'm gonna climb on your back.
CHAD: I do not understand again.
KARIN: The thing I don't believe it is about to kill us!
It's theoretically right there!
It's theoretically right behind us!
It's theoretically--
DODGE!
It's theoretically to your right! Dodge! Dodge! Dodge!
CHAD: Okay... You're going to have to explain what you mean by--
Ow.
Aaahhhoow...
KARIN: Dammit. The wind is kicking our ass.
CHAD: Okay...
Superpower tiiime...!
Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh...!
OOGH!
I have become one... with Malsumis.
My arm is now the God of Chaos.
My ancestors might have a problem with this...
[Ringtone]
{BEEP}
KEIGO [phone]: Hey. Is Chad there by chance?
KARIN: Yeah.
KEIGO [p]: Thanks. Y'all can't handle the motherfuckin'...
CHAAAAD
CHAAAAD-SUUMIIIIIS!
CHAD: I am humbled by your words.
Malsumis, give me strength!
Feel the anger of a cheesecake full of bees!
I am going to go to sleep now.
KARIN: You saved us from nothing.
CHAD: I just wanted to help
KILL ALL YOUR PUPPIES.
Sorry... I do not know why I said that.
MENOS [faintly]: Hiiiiii...
HOLLOW: Octopuuuus...
TATSUKI: Hey, ya big stupid! Stop turning everyone into zombies.
HOLLOW: Octopuuuus...
TATSUKI: You think I won't kick their ass?
Just watch.
Stupid boys!
Dumb boys!
Stupid, gross boys!
HOLLOW: Octo-zombieee!
TATSUKI: Ugh!
ORIHIME: Tatsuki! No!
TATSUKI: (Panting)
Don't worry about me, Orihime... I'm fine.
ORIHIME: Oh, I'm so glad you're alright--!
TATSUKI: Octopuuuuuss!
ORIHIME: Tatsuki, no!
I wish I had some kind of special power that could save you!
...Like, that would be really nice right now...!
HOLLOW: Octopus?
ORIHIME: A-hem!
HOLLOW: Oc-nado!
ORIHIME: Get ready, octopus!
You're about to get destroyed by my... these...
...fairy-type sort of... things!
Hey - what are you guys?
SHUN'Ō: We're your special powers.
ORIHIME: Yeah, but like... *what* are you?
TSUBAKI: HOW THE HELL SHOULD WE KNOW?!
WE'VE BEEN ALIVE FOR LITERALLY 11 SECONDS!!
ORIHIME: Yeah, but--
TSUBAKI: You're like, 15! Do YOU understand the nature of your existence?
DIDN'T THINK SO! IT'S AMAZING WE EVEN HAVE NAMES!
HOLLOW: Octopus.
TSUBAKI: SHUT YOUR EGG-HOLE!
ORIHIME: You're scary.
HOLLOW: Octo-jerk.
TSUBAKI: I SAID SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
{BAMF} HOLLOW: Octo-regreeeeeeet...!
HOLLOW: Octo-regreeeeeeet...!
ORIHIME: Wooo!
I did it!
And no one can say I didn't.
ICHIGO: All right, listen to me!
I have gotten *sick and tired* of killing Hollows.
Being off-screen is pissing me off.
I don't know WHAT your deal with Soul Reapers is, but these Hollows are dangerous.
ISHIDA: Hollows aren't real.
ICHIGO: Okay, you said some weird stuff earlier too. Explain your deal.
ISHIDA: Soul Reaper fact #78:
Hollows are robots created by the Illuminati to force the American government to admit to a world beyond the living...
thus facilitating their need for Soul Reapers and giving them the ability to extend their reach to other countries through them.
This took place in 1652, when the Reapers set up their base in Area 52 - a.k.a. Soul Society - and propagated the Hollow myth.
ICHIGO: You are holding a glowing spirit bow, telling me Hollows are robots made by the American government...
...before America... even existed.
ISHIDA: The Illuminati. Otherwise correct.
ICHIGO: Hollows aren't robots.
ISHIDA: Isn't it suspicious that they entirely disappear when killed?
Sounds like a self-destruct system to me.
ICHIGO: But--
ISHIDA: Furthermore, these Hollows have just been letting us talk.
Do they have manners? Perhaps.
But perhaps they are gathering intel on what I knooow...
ICHIGO: I admit that it's kind of weird.
ISHIDA: And finally - if Soul Reapers exist, why haven't any come to help us here with the hundreds of Hollows that are appearing?!
ICHIGO: Rriiight, that one doesn't actually make sense, you've got me there.
Look, we've got two options here...
Keep arguing about stupid conspiracies,
or be glorious badasses, and kill these things together.
ISHIDA: Are you saying...
you... believe me?
ICHIGO: Whatever.
ISHIDA: Let's party.
This round's on me.
ICHIGO: Now you're talking!
HAA...!
(The usual battle cries)
What do you suppose that thing is?
ISHIDA: You know, I'm glad you noticed it. I was starting to think I was seeing things.
HOLLOW: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...
ISHIDA: So, Illuminati... It's come to this...
You've sent the big guns!
ICHIGO: Don't worry. I've got an idea.
HEY! YA BIG STUPID!
GO HOME!
Okay, that was my idea. It didn't-- g-- this sounded better in my head.
ISHIDA: My plan is simple...
We combine our powers together to become...
The Anti-Conspiratory Doom Blaster Bow!
ICHIGO: Yeah... Okay.
I'm only firing this if we rename i--
ISHIDA: Truth cares not for identity.
HOLLOW: I knoow you guyys are busyy...
But III'm just gonna go ahead and start fighting without you.
ISHIDA: Mother...!
RUKIA: ICHIGO, NOOO!
ICHIGO: GUAAAAGH!!
RUKIA: We should help him!
KISUKE: Listen and listen well, Rukia...
The Menos is out there.
It can't be bargained with...
ICHIGO: SOMETIMES...!
KISUKE: It can't be reasoned with...
ICHIGO: YA JUST GOTTA LOOK IN THE MIRROR...!
KISUKE: Doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear...
ICHIGO: AND ASK...!
KISUKE: And it will absolutely never stop... no matter what.
ICHIGO: "HOW MUCH... AM I WILLING...!"
KISUKE: Sooo, let's let the kids handle this.
ICHIGO: "TO PUT UP WITH TODAAAAAAAAAY?!?!"
ISHIDA: That only counts as one!
MENOS: IIIII'm goiiiinnning hoooommme...
Youuuu guyyyys arrrre bullliiiieees...
ICHIGO: HAAAAAGH!!
ISHIDA: Right, well... I'M going to kill the rest of the robo-Hollows.
I'm... just gonna go home now.
Kurosaki Ichigo and Kuchiki Rukia,
I'd like to express my deepest apologies for my actions by pimping out your possessed teddy bear.
RUKIA: Go for it.
ICHIGO: Sounds good to me.
ISHIDA: Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-taah!