being in a relationship where it doesn't
feel like there's enough sex sounds like
a trivial and somewhat comedic luxury
problem as though someone were
complaining there wasn't enough tennis
or yoga between a couple but an absence
of sex isn't trivial in the least it's a
humbling ly serious problem and might
even be what dooms the relationship
itself one statistic stands out in an
average year in the OECD countries 70%
of those who initiated divorce cited a
lack of sex as the first or second
reason for parting if there's one
generalization we can make about couples
it's that a lack of sex by which we mean
something like less than four times a
month is an alarm bell we should listen
to why is sex such a key part of keeping
two people close because in sex two
people accept each other in the most
profound of ways the apparently dirty
and shameful sides of us the way would
fantasies in the unusual longings are
legitimated through sex someone else
witnesses and accepts us as bodily and
psychological beings sex symbolizes an
end to loneliness and a reaffirmation of
trust not daring or wanting to have sex
with a partner is tantamount to
admitting that one can't be one's self
in their presence a lack of sex is bad
enough but far worse is the way in which
the unreciprocated longing for sex tends
to manifest itself typically the person
who wants it doesn't ask very clearly
maybe merely sliding a hand over in a
timid half-hearted search for
reciprocation they don't complain calmly
don't deliver an eloquent
self-confidence speech about how
difficult they're finding it and don't
inquire sympathetically as to what might
be going on in a partner far too often
they tend to quickly move on to
symptomatic behavior wherein their
disappointment and sense of humiliation
are acted out rather than disgust they
bang dishes they get mean a whole raft
of conflicts then develops that has
ostensibly nothing to do with sex and
yet is caused by its absence one starts
squabbling over the in-laws in a state
of the kitchen the one who's been let
down sexually behaves so
sadly they start to seem like a monster
further reducing the chances of sex ever
taking place eventually the sex staffed
party may simply go off and have an
affair not because they don't love their
partner but because showing their desire
has become so fraught with rejection
that they're out for a bit of revenge
the lack of sex discussion is so hard to
have because quite simply it feels so
shameful to be unwanted sexually it
plays into every worst fear about
unacceptability it's bad enough when it
happens on a date it's even sadder to
have to admit that one's being rejected
by one's partner inside the apparent
safety and commitment of a long-term
relationship maybe there's something
wrong with them but far more likely
there's something revolting about us key
to a process of reconciliation is to
rein in one's wilder feelings of
rejection and self-disgust in order to
be able to consider why the other party
might have gone off sex here's a key
fact everyone wants sex in principle
when it isn't wanted it's because a
condition for sex is not being met and
then not communicated privately the sex
rejecting party has a problem they're
not sharing they might in secret be
thinking I might have sex if only you
listened more to my problems with my
family or if you gave me more time to do
my work or if you weren't so mean to me
around domestic chores there might be
kinkier reasons I'd have more sex if you
allow me to play out certain fantasies
if you were more broad-minded about
role-playing if you were more into
kissing or wanted it rough or could be
more submissive the person being denied
sex hasn't usually had any chance to
hear these reasons in plain unyk using
Gentle terms or maybe they've heard them
but without a sober awareness of what's
really at stake here
there's been no proper communication
there for a classic recommendation
deliberately artificial is that the two
parties aware that their entire
relationship probably depends on getting
this right should write each other a
letter title simply what I want from sex
it's a chance to be deeply honest about
your true sexual identity it's then
incumbent on both parties to take the
others words seriously and in good faith
two people are always going to be a bit
sexually incompatible but we shouldn't
get so scared and angry at this that we
create a secondary barrier of hurt
punishment and shame we should take the
first steps to finding a way in which
what you want and what they want can in
a modest way be harmonized and a sarcasm
and bang dishes can stop every time such
a conversation about sex happens in the
quiet of the night the angels of
relationships hover over the bedroom and
sound their silent trumpets in
celebration because another couple have
just critically improved their chances
of lasting a little longer together
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