>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
>> Jon: YEAH!
( APPLAUSE )
LA-LA-LA.
>> Stephen: HEY, JON, HOW ARE YOU?
NJTSZ I'M GREAT.
I'M GREAT.
I'M FEELING GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU YOU.
>> Stephen: HAVE A LITTLE DOLLOP OF STRENGTH TIME.
>> Jon: YES, IT'S KIND OF LIKE ICE CREAM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> Stephen: SURE, A LITTLE EARLY BLOOMING CROCUS OVER
THERE.
AND THE SOCKS.
YOU'RE NOT HIDING THEM UNDER A BUSHEL.
>> SKY BLUE, BABY.
THE COLORS I LIKE AND THE WORLD I LOVE TO BE IN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Jon: YES!
>> Stephen: JOY REID IS GOING TO BE ON HERE TONIGHT, JOY REID.
THOMAS MIDDLEDITCH, FROM "B POSITIVE."
DOES JOY REID HAVE A POS CAST?
I THINK SHE HAS A PODCAST.
YOU KNOW WHO HAS A PODCAST?
WE HAVE A PODCAST.
SO IF YOU'RE AT HOME, IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS, AND YOU WENT,
"BOY, I REALLY ENJOYED WATCHING THIS.
I WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF I COULDN'T SEE STEPHEN."
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD DO THAT.
I DON'T KNOW YOU WOULD WANT TO, YOU KNOW, MISS THE MONEY MAKER,
BUT...
( APPLAUSE )
TREADMILL-- IF YOU'RE ON A TREADMILL RIGHT NOW LISTENING TO
THIS PODCAST, YOU CAN DO IT.
DIG DOWN UPON.
KEEP GOING.
NO PAIN, NO AGAIN.
YOU HAVE TO BE IN IT TO WIN IT, PLAY TO WIN.
GO, GO, GO, GO!
HIGH, TIGHT, BUTT.
HIGH, TIGHT, BUTT."
PUT THAT ON A LOBBY.
PUT THAT ON A LOOP.
OF FOLKS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, I SEND A
LOT OF TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, CAREFULLY WELDING TOGETHER THE
DAY'S TOP STORIES, FORGED FROM THE FINEST NEWS METALS, WIRING
IN THE MOST EFFICIENT, HIGH- SPEED ENGINE.
THEN I COMBINE THE MOST TOPICAL TITANIUM ACCENTS WITH ITALIAN
CURRENT-EVENTS CRAFTSMANSHIP TO CREATE THE BESPOKE TRIUMPH
MOTORCYCLE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, AFTER STANDING TOO LONG OVER AN
EPHEDRINE BARREL FIRE, I STUMBLE INTO A DEFUNCT BODY SHOP, SLAP A
HALF-EMPTY CANISTER OF PROPANE ONTO A STOLEN HUFFY, WRAP IT IN
NEWSPAPER AND BITS OF CAUTION TAPE THAT I SWIPED FROM A
STILL-ACTIVE CRIME SCENE, AND HOOK IT UP TO AN OLD MILK JUG
FULL OF NITROUS I STOLE FROM A BLACK MARKET ORTHODONTIST, IN
ORDER TO MAKE THE FLAMING DEATH ROCKET OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( APPLAUSE )
YOU DON'T KNOW.
YOU NEVER EVEN RACED FOR PAPERS.
MEANWHILE, IN ONLINE SHOPPING NEWS, A NEW JERSEY TODDLER
ORDERED NEARLY $2,000 WORTH OF FURNITURE ON WALMART'S WEBSITE.
KIDS TODAY.
( LAUGHTER )
HITCHHIKE TO RAYMOUR AND FLANNIGAN, STAND ON EACH OTHERS'
SHOULDERS INSIDE A TRENCH COAT, AND SIGN UP FOR THE LAYAWAY PLAN
FOR THAT OTTOMAN YOU HAD YOUR EYE ON.
ACCORDING TO HIS MOTHER, SHE HAD CREATED A CART ON HER PHONE
BUT NEVER CHECKED IT OUT, AND HER SON WAS THE ONE WHO BOUGHT
THE HOUSEHOLD ITEMS THAT HIS MOTHER HAD BEEN LOOKING AT.
OH, REALLY?
IS THAT THE MOM'S STORY?
(AS MOM) "OH, LOOK, SWEETIE.
LITTLE BILLY ORDERED ME FOUR NIGHTS AT AN ALL-INCLUSIVE SPA.
I HOPE HE DOESN'T ACCIDENTALLY EMAIL YOUR PARENTS THAT THEY
SHOULDN'T COME FOR CHRISTMAS.
BAD BOY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, MILLER LITE IS OPENING A BAR IN THE METAVERSE
FOR THE SUPER BOWL.
WHICH EXPLAINS THEIR NEW SLOGAN, "MILLER LITE: NOW THERE'S A
REASON IT TASTES LIKE NOTHING."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOT A SPONSOR?
I DON'T KNOW.
AND, IT'S NOT ONLY CONFUSING.
IT'S ALSO EXCLUSIVE, BECAUSE THE METAVERSE BAR WILL BE THE SOLE
PLACE WHERE FANS CAN WATCH MILLER LITE'S BIG GAME AD.
PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO THOUGHT, "MAN, I LOVE COMMERCIALS, BUT I
WISH I HAD TO WORK HARDER TO ACCESS THEM WHILE MY AVATAR
DRINKS THIS IMAGINARY CAN OF CARBONATED DISAPPOINTMENT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE GLOBAL WASTE SHIPPING AND
CRYPTO-MEDICAL SUPPLY" SOMETIMES COME ACROSS SO MANY STORIES
ABOUT FEMALE MONARCHS THAT THEY CANNOT BE PROPERLY ADDRESSED IN
OUR NORMAL, LOWLY "MEANWHILE" AND MUST BE ESCALATED TO OUR
MORE REGAL "MEANWHILE" SUB-SEGMENT, "QUEENWHILE."
( ♪ ROYAL TRUMPET FANFARE ♪ ) ( APPLAUSE )
QUEENWHILE, QUEEN ELIZABETH IS RELEASING HER OWN ROYAL
CONDIMENTS.
MAKES SENSE-- THE ROYAL FAMILY ENJOYS COVERING THINGS UP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE QUEEN'S-- >> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: THE QUEEN'S NEW CONDIMENTS INCLUDE TOMATO SAUCE,
THE VAGUE TERM BRITS USE FOR KETCHUP.
APPROPRIATE, SINCE EVERYTHING THEY EAT IN ENGLAND IS VAGUELY
FOOD.
ALSO, IF THEY CALL CATCH UP TOMATO SAUCE, WHAT DO THEY CALL
TOMATO SAUCE?
( AS QUEEN )
JUICE.
I'D LIKE SOME MORE ON MY WET DOUGH STRINGS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S MY-- ME, NO.
LET'S JUST SHARE THE SILENCE.
LET'S-- LET'S JUST SHARE THE SILENCE FOR A MOMENT.
THERE YOU GO.
( LAUGHTER )
KINGDOM, JAPAN'S MONKEY QUEEN FACES A CHALLENGE TO HER REIGN.
HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENING: THIS NINE-YEAR-OLD MACAQUE, NAMED
YAKEI, RESIDES AT THE TAKASAKIYAMA NATURAL ZOOLOGICAL
GARDEN WHERE SHE VIOLENTLY OVERTHREW THE ALPHA MALE OF HER
TROOP TO BECOME THE FIRST FEMALE LEADER IN THE RESERVE'S 70-YEAR
HISTORY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BY HURLING HER POOP AT IT.
BUT THINGS COULD BE ABOUT TO CHANGE FOR YAKEI, BECAUSE
DURING PREVIOUS BREEDING SEASONS, YAKEI PAIRED WITH GORO.
ANOTHER MALE NAMED LUFFY HAS TRIED TO WOO YAKEI.
SO YAKEI COULD FEASIBLY FORM PAIR BONDS WITH BOTH GORO AND
LUFFY OVER THE COURSE OF THIS BREEDING SEASON.
AND NOW EXPERTS WONDER IF SHE MAY BE VULNERABLE TO A USURPER.
HEY, IT'S 2022.
HOW IS THIS A PROBLEM?
SHE'S HOT, AND SHE CAN FORM AS MANY PAIR BONDS AS SHE WANTS.
IF ANYTHING, THIS MAKES HER MORE POWERFUL.
IT'S LIKE THESE RESEARCHERS HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN, "THE
MACAQUELORETTE."
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
"BABE, BABE, WHAT'S UP?
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PICKED BUGS OFF GORO IN THE BANANA SUITE.
HE'S NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS."
MEANWHILE, LAY'S CHIPS ARE MADE FROM POTATOES GROWN IN SOIL FROM
N.F.L. STADIUMS.
SO GET EXCITED FOR THEIR NEW FLAVOR, SOUR CREAM AND
LINEBACKER TEETH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOY REID.
♪ ♪ ♪