>> THANK YOU, JAMES.
IT IS SO WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN WHAT'S
LEFT OF AMERICA.
(LAUGHTER) I SPENT THE LAST YEAR TOURING
ALL AROUND THE U.K., MOSTLY MAKING PEOPLE ANGRY BECAUSE I
HAVE ANNOUNCED THAT I DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND.
AND THEY'RE LIKE BUT YOU COULD GET ONEMENT I KNOW.
I LOVE MEN BUT I FEAL THAT MEN ARE LIKE DOLPHINS IN THAT THEY
SHOULD BE ENJOYED ON HOLIDAY.
(LAUGHTER) AN THEY'RE VERY INTELLIGENT,
ALMOST AS SMART AS PEOPLE.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD HAVE ONE IN THE HOUSE.
WHY WOULD YOU HAVE ONE, WHAT A DISASTER THAT WOULD BE.
WHAT DO THEY EVEN EAT?
AND A LARGE NUMBER OF THEM TURN OUT TO BE SEXUAL PREDATORS AS
WELL.
HASHTAG NOT ALL DOLPHINS BUT MANY DOLPHINS.
AND I JUST THINK I'M FAR TOO YOUNG.
I AM THE SAME AGE AS ADOLESCENT TROUBLE MAKER MARK ZUCKERBERG,
I'M ONLY 356789 AND I'M GOING TO REMAIN SINGLE UNTIL I AM THE AGE
THAT CELINEDION IS NOW, SHE SAN ENTIRE O.J. SIMPSON PRISON
SENTENCE AND A HALF OLDER THANL I AM ANDHERE IS NOT A PERSON
HERE WHO WOULDN'T BANG CELINE.
>> YOU GET BET WE ARE EVERY DAY, YOU GROW IN VALUE, SHE IS A
FREAK IN THE STREETS AND A FREAK IN THE SHEETS, YOU CAN BE BOTH,
SHE IS LIVING HER BEST LIFE, RELEASED ALBUMS IN JAPANESE,
MANDARIN CHINESE, LATIN, GERMAN, ITALIAN, SPANISH, FRENCH,
ENGLISHING.
THE CURRENT PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST ECONOMY CANNOT
EVEN SPEAK ONE OF THOSE LANGUAGES.
(APPLAUSE) AMAZING.
AND I'M ALWAYS PROVOCATIVE.
I'M USED TO IT I WAS THE ONLY CHILD IN THE HISTORY OF THE
WORLD WHO BELIEVED MY MOTHER WHEN SHE SAID KATHERINE, THE
BULLIES ARE JUST JEALOUS.
I WAS LIKE GIRL, I KNOW.
(LAUGHTER) THE ONLY OTHER PLACE I HAD SEEN
WOMEN VICTIMIZED FOR THEIR LOOKS WAS IN MAGAZINES, WHEN IT
HAPPENED TO ME I THOUGHT I HAVE ARRIVED.
THE OTHER CHILDREN COULD HAVE PICKED LITERALLY ANYONE IN THE
SCHOOL TO VICTIMIZE BUT THEY CHOSE ME.
AND ANOTHER GIRL WITH A CLEFT PALATE AND ONE LEG BUT WE WERE
THE KIM AND KAYNE OF THE FOURTH GRAID.
THEY THROW PAPER AT MY HEAD IN CLASS, I WAS LIKE WHO SHOULD I
MAKE THIS OUT TO AND THANK THEM IT WAS COOL, MELANIA TRUMP IS
THE MOST BULLIED PERSON ON EARTH.
AND THAT IS AN INNOCENT GOLD DIG IRCAUGHT NP A DANGEROUS GAME.
DANGEROUS SHE DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GOING TO BE PRESIDENT.
SHE THOUGHT HE WOULD BE A REGULAR BUSINESSMAN AND THEY
COULD BE DIVORCED BY NOW, BACKING ONE OF J.LO BACKUP DANCE
ARES OR SEASON TWO OF A REALITY SHOW, MELANIA UNCHAINED.
IT DNT WORK OUT THAT WAY.
WHERE DID SHE GO WRONG?
SHE WENT TOO YOUNG.
YOU WANT TO GO OLD AT THE GOLD DIGGING LIFESTYLE IS WHAT YOU
NEED.
OLD, LIKE YOU WANT-- IF HE IS STILL EATING SOLID FOOD, HE IS
TOO YOUNG, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
(APPLAUSE) GO FOR IT.
GO FOR IT PUT IT ALL ON THE TABLE AM YOU WANT HIM ONE
VIGOROUS EVENING FROM YOU GETTING A SUMMER HOUSE.
WHEN I AM OLD ENOUGH TO FIND TRUE LOVE I WILL DO IT ON A VERY
POPULAR BRITISH DATING SHOW CALLED NAKED ATTRACTION.
OH PIE GOODNESS T IT IS SO AMAZING.
BRITISH TELEVISION IS OFF ITS [BLEEP] SO THEY HAVE WONDERFUL
HOSTS, ANN AN AND LET'S SAY SHE HAS A CONTESTANT WHO IS LOOKING
TO FIND TRUE LOVE N THIS CASE HER NAME WAS EMILY AND SHE
HAPPENS TO LIKE MEN.
SO THEY HAVE NAKED MEN ON STAGE BUT CONCEALED IN BOOTDS AND THEY
ARE REVEALED BIT BY BIT.
THE HOST SAYS EMILY WELCOME TO NAKED ATTRACTION.
WE'RE GOING TO REVEAL THE MEN AND THEN THEY ARE REVEALED BUT
NOT FROM THE TOP, NO, NO, NO, THE BOXES LIFT UP FROM THE
BOTTOM.
JUST TO SHOW EMILY THEIR FEET, KNEES, WILLIES AND BALLS, THAT
IS THE SHOW.
AND THEN THEY ZOOM IN AND THE HOST SAYS EMILY, ARE THESE THE
TYPE OF TESTIC ELS YOU WOULD NORMALLY GO FOR?
GO FOR?
NO ONE IS GOING FOR ANY TESTICLES EVER IN THEIR LIFE.
WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO GET TO KNOW SOMETHING, DEVELOP CHEMISTRY SO
THAT WHEN YOU FINALLY SEE IT, YOU DON'T RUN AWAY, THAT IS THE
PLAN.
NOT ON NAKED ATTRACTION.
AND EMILY KNOWS SHE'S ON TV SO SHE'S POLITE, YEAH, THEY'RE ALL
WELL, NORRIS.
LIE, IT IS VERY COLD IN THE STUDIO, JUST LOOKS LIKE A POLICE
LINE-UP OF FIVE GUILTY SNAILS SUS PENNED IN FIELDS OF MOSS.
BUT EMILY KNOWS SHE'S GOT TO GET RID, IT IS ABOUT DEDUKS SO SHE
CUES SECURE A RECOGNIZE.
>> I'M NUMBER THREE ON ACCOUNT OF HIS LEGS.
>> JUST SAY MICROPENNIST AND LET HIM LEAVE.
HE DOESN'T GET TO THEN LEAVE, HIS IDENTITY IS REVEALED SO YOU
CAN FURTHER EMBARRASS HIS FAMILY AND GIVE EMILEE AN AWKWARD LOVE
GOOD-BYE.
JUST ONE OF THESE BEND AT THE WASTE, LIKE DON'T GET IT ON ME
AND THEN THERE IS ONE LEFT AT THE WASTE, SHE HAS SEEN
EVERYTHING, HE IS EXACTLY THE ONE FOR ME AND YOU SEE WHO IT IS
AND SHE IS LIKE OH NO, IT'S MY DAD.
NO.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LISTENS.
(APPLAUSE).
>> James: KATHERINE RYAN, EVERYBODY.
WATCH THE FIX ON NETFLIX, COME ON BACK, EVERYONE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)