IMPERIAL TROOPER: Glory to the empire and to this video’s sponsor World Anvil!
Hey guys.
Don’t worry about me.
I’m doing fine.
Just here to give every writer a video on writer self care.
Because I’m like a master at self care.
And writers tend to be really bad at it.
In fact, everyone seems really bad at it these days.
But worry not, because I am here to lead all writers to proper self care.
Skeptical? [takes long swig of writer’s tears] I’m a person on the internet.
You can trust me.
Clearly I’ve gotten everything together.
Especially the cherry picked parts I chose to put on social media that reinforce that
image.
It’s not like my entire life is a shallow facade that could crack under even the most
casual glance.
No, I can hide all of that behind a thin veil of false confidence.
But hey!
Most people won’t know the difference so let’s do this!
Now why do writers in particular need an episode on self care?
It is because writers are statistically more prone to anxiety, depression, substance abuse,
and suicide?
It is because that mainstream culture has a bad habit of romanticizing the self-destruction
and suffering of writers and other creative types?
Actually its because I care.
I care so much that I’m going to exploit this para-social relationship for my own ends!
Which is good because being way too invested in a para-social relationship is definitely
the first good step on proper self care.
It certainly isn’t because I plan to cynically exploit the bottomless need for self help
videos and articles that litter the internet so I can get a piece of that pie!
Besides, if they can pollute the internet with useless fluff pieces on connecting with
your feelings then so can I!
Now we should first start with the basics.
Proper self care is much like proper writing in that the best practice is to take shortcuts
and give in to impulse at every opportunity.
Much like writing, proper self care doesn’t require active effort and thought, but instead
can be finessed in ways that allows one to indulge without consideration of long term
consequences.
If this leads to poor results then don’t worry, being a writer is all about being a
brooding, miserable person because that’s deep and complex.
Because sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself is super romantic in fiction and
most definitely not a huge turn off in real life.
Not that I speak from experience or anything.
I’m great at parties!
The best thing about writing is that it can be done at home in private.
This means that the writer is free to neglect every other aspect of their life.
I can wear sweatpants to work!
My job is the best.
That also means that I can completely neglect my hygiene and grooming.
I can write and look like a slob while ignoring that I’m slowly getting into the habit of
looking like a slob 24/7!
I haven’t bathed in like, I don’t know, half a year, 2 years?
And now people don’t want to talk to me for some reason.
Wonder why?
Can’t be me.
Now that my hygiene is a mess, the next best step in self care is to transform my external
environment to represent my internal one.
Be sure to let your writing desk become increasingly cluttered with junk and even food crumbs.
Or even better, just leave half empty soda cans on your workstation for weeks and weeks
until the things living in them develop bronze tools.
For extra points, allow this slovenly lack of housekeeping to extend to the entire house
and let my living space descend into squalor.
Unless I’m editing of course.
Then all of the sudden household chores become priority number 1 because at least I’m not
editing.
But its not enough to completely neglect both body and environment, but a writer should
also discard any concern about their mental well being as well.
And as we all know the internet is an easy place maintain good mental health and isn’t
a machine that has basically monetized suffering on a global scale.
It is important that all writing sessions be constantly interrupted by frequent doom
scrolling.
It should be easy to maintain a positive outlook in a place awash with poser cynics and alarmist
doom mongering clickbait articles.
Man all of this reality is bringing me down.
Maybe I need way to cope?
And by cope I mean pick up new bad habits.
In the battle against self-destruction the best strategy is to give self-destruction
all of the weapons it needs to use against you like drugs and alcohol.
Besides I get super creative when I’m abusing substances.
Is this because drugs and alcohol often remove inhibitions and thus dull my inner critic?
Of course not.
Obviously these substances just magically make me more creative and not sound like a
complete idiot who lacks a filter.
You know, with all of these bottles piling up I’m starting to think I might need professional
help.
Now the best thing about professional help is to simply assume that the professionals
will fix all of my problems for me without any effort on my part!
Surely I can just get a pill that can magic away most of my problems!
Best to assume that therapy will fix my deep seated personality issues rather than simply
provide me with a new perspective that might allow me to better manage my conditions.
Professionals can only meet me halfway and then I can just sit at the halfway point before
discarding all of their treatment plans.
I don’t need ongoing treatment, I need an instant fix that doesn’t require me to actually
do anything myself.
Just like I don’t need a consistent sleeping schedule!
Now working at night can actually be a pretty good time to set aside for writing since no
one is going to bother you.
That of course means that it gives a writer a great excuse to completely ruin their sleep
schedule.
And then wonder why I’m tired all the time.
Can’t be that I vary my sleep patterns by three to four hours every day and that the
most exercise I’ve ever gotten was struggling to open a candy bar wrapper.
Sedentary lifestyle is the life!
Nothing like sitting around and watching as my mind and body wither from an excessive
diet of junk food and reality television.
Cook an actual decent meal every once in a while?
Actually pay my bills on time?
Nah.
Just let everything keep piling up until it all comes crashing down in a beautiful cascade
of self inflicted catastrophe.
I’ll just be sure to alienate all friends and family beforehand because safety nets
are for weak willed losers who actually admit vulnerability.
Not like the cool collected cynic I am.
Besides, I have to keep pretending I have everything together by constantly posting
how great everything is on social media and give my audience the impression that I alone
possess the secret to happiness and fulfillment.
Though behind the veil I am in fact a self destructive narcissistic mess that’s addicted
to the cycle of positive reinforcement that social media platforms use to maximize their
ad revenue.
I must have those internet points that are worth a whole zero dollars and zero cents!
How else will I judge my value as a person?
Now if you have properly followed my instructions a writer should be an exhausted, isolated,
stressed out, anxious, substance abuser, with numerous health issues, and on the verge of
a complete meltdown.
Some will obviously question my flawless advice and point out that this is a bad thing because
having a mental breakdown is the last thing most people would want, especially a public
meltdown.
See.
That’s where they’re wrong.
The best thing about having a meltdown is when it’s public because people will eat
that up!
Gather round!
And watch this fame addicted writer completely lose it!
Normally when having a complete breakdown, the best thing to do is to back far far away
from the internet, find a calm safe place to process your emotions, call someone you
trust, get some fresh air and just relax for a moment, or if things are really bad then
call a suicide hot line.
But if I do that then I can’t monetize my descent into madness as I rant my thoughts
unfiltered onto the internet so they can be preserved for all eternity, probably on a
wiki somewhere.
When in doubt, lash out!
Not only does this drama drum up views and attention, but it feeds an entire industry
of people desperate to live vicariously through internet drama.
And I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling terrible about how awful the world
is, nothing reignites my optimism quite like watching another human being mentally implode.
Yeah this will alleviate the bitter cynicism that keeps my life stagnate and happiness
out of my reach.
Remember that one can’t simply pull themselves up from a dark place without first pushing
someone else down since mental stability is a zero sum game.
Clearly sanity in the modern world is something that we have fight a battle royal for.
Now with all this negativity is there any way a writer can draw from these bad experiences
for their own writing?
Of course not!
That would require introspection and the ability to process negative emotions when the better
method is to simply repress them!
That’s 100% healthy.
When people say “write what you know” what they really mean is “write what I’ve
already seen in other stories because it seemed to work for them”.
What a bad idea it would be to draw from dark real life experiences as it might make my
writing feel emotionally authentic and even create empathy with the audience.
Writing is at its worst when it makes people actually feel something other than a vague
sense of vicariously lived wished fulfillment.
No one enjoys stories for emotional catharsis.
This is why it’s far better as a writer to completely isolate themselves from the
world and just stay in inside all the time pausing only to hiss at anyone who gets too
close.
Just like a feral caged animal, um…
I mean a super focused writer!
Yes humans are social creatures, but writers have transcended humanity and thus no longer
need to bother to go out in the world and like talk to someone?
Anyone?
Even if just for a little bit?
Now with all of this free time I can finally spend almost all of my time writing right?
Well no.
I do plan to start writing again once my decades long pity party is over.
I’m sure I’ll find time to write rather than making time to write.
No big deal.
It’s not like the act of writing is self care.
Expressing creativity or doing anything other than sitting around and indulging in negative
emotions and bad habits runs the risk of breaking the self destructive cycle by replacing bad
habits with good ones.
This could lead to a high effort lifestyle where I would have spend all of this time
actually taking care of myself rather than just sitting around waiting for things to
magically get better.
Proper self care is all about taking the right approach and attitude.
It’s all about accepting that the world is a bleak and uncaring place and then stubbornly
refuse to realize that same uncaring world also has a lot of tools to build what you
want.
So long as one avoids using those tools and taking an active approach when it comes to
self care then the writer free to blame their problems on “the world” or “society”
and is thus free of all responsibility while also sounding deep and soulful.
Yes sometimes outside conditions beyond their control do indeed trap people in self destructive
cycles.
But since I can’t control the whole world I might as well give up trying to take care
of myself as well as callously disregard the feelings and well being of those around me!
If my life is miserable I might as well spread the misery around.
Even better, failing at self care gives a writer a way to weaponize their condition
in order to shutdown all criticism, including good faith criticism of their negative behavior.
My condition excuses me from basic moral standards no matter how many bridges I burn.
Then when people do actually try to help me they can eventually throw their hands up in
frustration and walk away from the project that never ends.
Because that is what self care is which is why only a sucker would bother with it.
Best to shove that off on someone else and then just keep jumping from relationship to
relationship like a parasite that drains the emotional well being of others.
See all of those negative thoughts about myself were right because of the actions I chose
to do.
I wonder if there is a way to do that in reverse by choosing positive actions to achieve self
care?
What do you think bottle?
The bottle says no.
IMPERIAL GENERAL: My Emperor, we will arrive shortly at Megacorp’s HQ!
EMPEROR: Excellent!
We made good time thanks to all of these new recruits.
You there!
New recruit.
What’s your name?
DARK LORD: I am the DARK LORD!…
Wait.
What would a faceless minion say?
Uh I mean I have no name.
I am a disposable minion that will either die by the hero’s hand to make them look
cool or die by your hand to make you look evil.
EMPEROR: These new recruits are sharp.
They have this minion thing down!
DARK LORD: Huh.
Is this what I’ve been doing to my minions this entire time?
No wonder they have no motivation.
IMPERIAL GENERAL: My Emperor!
A Federation battle fleet is approaching!
GENERAL CHAINSAW: Yes!
IMPERIAL GENERAL: Oh wait!
Never mind.
Looks like their budget ran out.
They’re heading back.
GENERAL CHAINSAW: NO!
EMPEROR: Ha!
Spineless bureaucrats!
Speaking of which, contact Megacorp so that I may demand their surrender before I blow
up their planet.
CULT LEADER: Don’t you mean to demand their surrender “OR” you’ll blow up their
planet?
EMPEROR: I know what I said!
MEGACORP CUSTOM SERVICE RECORDING: Thank you for calling Megacorp customer service.
All of our available operators are currently busy and will be with you shortly.
Your call may be monitored for quality assurance.
Do you have a problem?
Megacorp Zombies can solve that problem.
Zombies solve all problems by turning them into more zombies.
Protect your investment by letting it multiply and…
MEGACORP CUSTOM SERVICE REP: Thank you for calling Megacorp customer service, my name
is Steve how can I assist you today?
EMPEROR: I am the Emperor!
My fleet will soon enter orbit over Megacorp HQ!
Surrender the sponsors to me and then be destroyed!
MEGACORP CUSTOM SERVICE REP: Thank you for your interest in Meagcorp defense products.
So if I understand you correctly you need assistance with our Megacorp death fleets?
I am correct?
Would you also be interested in a Megacorp zombie bioweapon?
EMPEROR: What?
No!
MEGACORP CUSTOM SERVICE REP: Understood.
I’ll add a zombie to your total.
So far you have a Mega Fleet, Mega Zombie starter pack, as well as a 4 year protection
plan on all Mega products.
EMPEROR: I didn’t want the protection plan!
MEGACORP CUSTOM SERVICE REP: Of course sir.
I’ll up that to an 8 year protection plan no problem.
That also comes with a complete premium subscription to our Mega service.
With our Mega service you can...
EMPEROR: Look, Steve.
I’m just here to take the source of the sponsors.
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Do you see now, Steve?
Do you think Megacorp can stand against such power?
You shall share the same fate as all those foolish enough to follow in the path of customer
service.
Death!
MEGACORP CUSTOM SERVICE REP: Sir, as a Megacorp Custom Service Representative, I pray for
the sweet release of death.
However if you have a complaint I can switch you over to someone better able assist you.
EMPEROR: Finally.
MEGACORP CUSTOM SERVICE REP: I’ll switch over to the zombie department.
MEGACORP ZOMBIE: Brains….
EMPEROR: This is getting us nowhere!
General!
Prepare your troops for a ground assault!