i work with horses and i've spent a lot of time working with a lot of challenging horses
and it's a very physical demanding job and my body was starting to break down and i was
doing this work trying to explain people like what it is and what it does and
how it heals you because i knew i couldn't be a horse trainer for the rest of my life
because my arms were starting to hurt my back was starting to hurt and i couldn't stand up for as
long anymore and my knees were starting to hurt and i was like i have to do something different
but it was that's why i resonated with this work because it was different but i was getting tired
and when covet hit and people couldn't come to see me i pivoted and i threw everything online
just like the rest of the world and it worked for a while and i was like yeah this is awesome
and then my assistant left and i was left by myself and um if you can't just by looking
at me telling a little bit of an extrovert and being isolated and being alone i really
spiraled back and down into some darkness and um i did feel like i had a very difficult childhood
you know i feel like i had a really tough father and you know i had two older brothers and
you know i come from a family of you know work hard hard work oh that's all you need just the
family of shoulds you know go through life do what you should get a degree
get a job get a pension those don't even exist anymore and i was really really miserable and i
thought you know what if i can just follow my dream i'll be okay and when my dream started
i started questioning my dream i really started to fall apart
i hadn't talked to my father in eight years i felt very isolated from him lost my brother
to a drug overdose don't have a lot of family and when you feel like you're that alone you you know
bad things happen and i think that that's that can resonate with a lot of people these days like bad
things are happening because we're so isolated and we don't have that connectivity to anything
and so i relapsed into drinking again and i've started go going down into a dark dark place and
in 2014 i about died from it i was cutting i was binge drinking i was having night terrors
i didn't know what a panic attack was until i experienced it and i just knew i did not want to
go down the path of drugs and just take the edge off because then that would take my edge away too
so i managed to pull out of that and then now when i started feeling that despair
and that that desperation and that isolation again
i was terrified i was really terrified that that was going to start happening to me again
and so i knew that that's something something had to give and coming here was was kind of my hope
and it took a lot it took a lot for me to get here and so when i did i just i just said i'm just
going to show up i'm just going to show up and i'm going to just whatever is here it's gotta be good
and dr joe asks the question he's like if it's you know if it's this good why would you stop
and on the second day of this event i said i have an answer i have an answer as to why i would stop
because one of the meditations that we did took me to a place where i felt like a snow globe like
somebody had shook me up and like everything was all like feeling like really chaotic inside and i
kind of felt sick to my stomach and like nauseous like i don't know what's gonna happen here
man i didn't know that this is what was gonna happen i thought we were just gonna like relax
and release that was not what was happening at all but i said i gotta i'm gonna stay with this
i'm gonna trust this and i was compelled and listening
and like scribbling notes and and sleeping like a rock and two days ago
we did a walking meditation
that really really changed things for me
and um we were walking around the lake and i was tired it was at the end of the day i was
like wait a minute all this stuff i thought we'd meditate in the morning listening take good notes
have a nice lunch but at the end of the day he's like all right i'm like another one i was done
and we went out there and i said you know what i'll walk but then my wa i'll do the last part
of the walking meditation back to the room like i'll cheat and kind of walk back to the room
and then i'll be like hit two birds with one stone right and on my way around the last loop
i'm i was gonna turn left to go back to the hotel or i was gonna turn right and stay
out and complete the meditation like the right way and i asked myself i said what am i here for
am i here to go to the hotel or am i here to change my life where's my future going
where's my future going to take me is it going to take me back or is it going to take me forward
and so i turned right and i committed and i stayed with it and i went around the the lake
and i stopped and closed my eyes at the last part of
the meditation and something happened that i just can't explain i stood there with my arms out
and this four-year-old little girl came up to me and took my hand
and it was me and i looked down at her and she looked up at me in her little blonde pigtails
and she said am i gonna be okay and i looked down at her and i said yeah
honey you're gonna be just fine and i sat down in the grass and i brought her into me
and i just cuddled her and held her and i said jenny you're gonna be just fine and she whipped
her head around at me a little sassy voice she said don't call me that don't call me jenny
and i laughed and i said okay okay what would you like to call me what would you like me to call you
she said i want you to call me poosie
like my daddy does and i haven't spoken to my father in eight years since my brother's death
and it didn't matter to me but i connected with him in that moment
and i fell in love with him again and i rewrote my past
and i thought of all the beautiful things that he had done raising me as a child
helping me with my science fair project and everything else that went along the way
and i took each year of my life and loved that version of myself and told her she's gonna be okay
it got tough when i got to be about 17-18 and little four-year-old poozie who could do no
wrong was now expected to get good grades and get into a good school but i loved on her too
and told her it was going to be okay and i saw each version of myself up until today
and created a better version of who i fell in love with in that moment
and as i sat there and just these tears of joy and love and self-love came pouring down my face
something else happened my future self came to me and looked at me and said hey by the way
you're gonna be okay too your struggle is over you can be at peace with yourself
and i sat there in that moment and i just felt so much love and not that selfish kind of ego
love but just pure open-hearted blissful love the kind that i felt and feel for my horses
and the kind i feel for the people that engage with them that show up with me
the kind of just i've never felt for myself at that level in my life ever in 46 35 46 years
and i knew that it was eternal and that there's always more love
and then i can rise above my environment and feel that
and i was like wow
that's incredible if i get nothing out of this experience but that i've won and when i stood up
i felt something odd through my body like physically like viscerally at a cellular
level i felt something and i moved my arm and and there i don't no words
it conventional wisdom would not even be able to explain i didn't there was no pain in my arm
where i've had tendonitis working with these 1200 pound animals for almost a decade
i'm like i'm still today i'm like hey hey guys my arm works without pain you know
and then my knee where i've been riding and feeling you know the inside of me i was like this
this is is this real and i felt no pain in the entire right side of my body
none where there was just so much constant pain i just deleted it from my consciousness and i
just dealt with that i thought that was just there's no cure for this there's no whatever
and it was limiting my daily activities and then i you know i
the one thing that i keep feeling is like a sensation above my arm like like kind of like
how where they cut the leaf and then they you still see it almost like a phantom pain sort of
thing but it's not in my physical body anymore it's like it's here and i'm like but it's i
feel it dissipating i can't explain this stuff you guys except that it just loved out of me
and it doesn't end there you know it just and it's like synchronicity after synchronicity
you know all the way down to there wasn't any coffee in my room and then all of a sudden
there was coffee in my room because i thought about the fact that i would like to have some
coffee i mean i just little things like that oh my friend i wonder how she's doing and she calls me
what i've been manifesting for my business as i hit like a level of burnout i swore i never would
because my passion for horses is so deep i swore i would never hit burnout and i damn it that if i
didn't just burn out i said i don't know if i can do this and i was starting to give up on my dream
and i kept seeing the number 44. i know this
sounds insane i kept seeing this number i seen this number
and i just got an investor for a hundred and forty four thousand dollars for my business yesterday
and then the cohesive healing after i got that i walked in and it was subject number 44
that i was doing the healing on i mean you just can't make this stuff up when you start
paying attention to it and when you have an awareness around it and you have gratitude for it
what do they say gratitude is the highest level of receivership
and i was starting to experience it in real life over and over and over no pain
more gain that should be what's on the t-shirt not no pain no gain no pain more gain
and so now if dr joe asks me why would i stop this work i would say ain't nothing going to stop me
and this isn't to the end this is just the beginning and i can only imagine what the
unknown is going to bring to me as i step into my future self with gratitude and love