Divorce is hard enough and then there's this whole co-parenting thing. How do you
co-parent with a controlling ex?
Co-parenting is one of those challenging issues that comes up after a divorce. Two
households now. Different parenting styles. It's a tough kind of a situation
to be in. I think where we start today folks, is we're going to adjust our goal
a little bit. The word co-parenting. Kind of implies that we're going to work
together. We're going to be on the same page and we're going to collaborate. It
has this feeling of teamwork and that sometimes is an unrealistic goal after a
divorce. So, the adjustment that I would suggest
is that we change our expectation just a bit. Let's not get too hung up on whether
someone's going to co-parent with us. Or be a reasonable partner in raising these
kids. Instead, let's focus on what we control and let's set this up in a way
that doesn't require any particular input from any other party. I think
you'll see what I mean is we give into this model. When parents are together
raising their children, it's like the child's world is all neatly combined
into this circle. It's all nice and tidy. When a divorce occurs or a separation,
it's like we create another world. So, that there are two worlds. Let's call
this one, "my world" and let's call this one "my ex's world." 2 worlds and they're
very different. You'll notice that your ex has set things up in a way that you
never would. They're doing things over here that are
clearly different from what you're doing over here.
And you know which world's better, don't you? In fact, can we just take a moment
here. As we talk about co-parenting with a controlling ex. Is your ex watching
this video too? Does your ex think that you are the controlling one? Swallow hard
for just a minute and be honest with yourself.
Are you the controlling ex? Now, we're friends, we can talk here, okay?
Just be open to that possibility because if it's you then maybe some adjustments
would be helpful in the interest of your children. Because in this model, where are
the kids? Right here in the middle. Look at this
for a moment from the kids perspective. When there are two battling sides, is it
safe to be here in the middle? See, that's kind of dangerous, you catch a lot of
crossfire. The kids exist in your world and in your ex's world. They have to find
some way to peaceably exist in both worlds. So, I've got five specific
strategies for you today on how to co-parent effectively with that
controlling ex. And hopefully your ex is watching this too. Number 1, stay
focused on the kids and what their experience is. Remember, they are here in
the middle. Can I just tell you a quick about a case that I handled years ago
when I was doing child custody evaluations for the court? I had a family
where Mom lived in Europe. Dad lived in the United States. So, can you see these
two worlds have completely separated. Mom spoke German, Dad spoke English. These 2
worlds were so different that this child who is 3
years old at the time, had to learn both languages. Now, would it be right for Mom
or Dad to say, "No, that language is the wrong language, you need to speak this
language." Well, sure in your world, I do. But what about what I'm in the other
world? That child needs to learn both languages. For you as a parent, it's
really easy to get focused on your own world, I think No.
My language is the right language, my religion is the right religion, my ideas
about education or the right ideas about education, my ideas about healthcare are
the right ideas about healthcare. We think because it's ours, that it's right.
And that's a form of destructive pride that as is hurting our kids. Be open to
the fact that your child exists also here. And the things that are going on
over here are different from, which doesn't mean wrong -- they're different
from the things that are going on in your world. This takes some humility. But
tip number 1 is to stay focused on the children and what their experience is.
Strategy number 2. Create the best world possible in your own world. Create
the best world possible in your own world. Most of your concerns are not over
here, are they? Now, you're concerned about what's going on over here. And
that's natural and normal. But it's outside of your control. So, you create
the most sane stable loving environment that you possibly can
in your own world. Pay attention to that, put your energy into that. This is where
you shine and where you have some control. You create the most sane, stable,
loving, the best world possible in your own world. Strategy number 3 comes
right along with it. Solve the problems in your world. Solve the problems in your
world. I'm thinking of family that I worked with where Dad bought a laptop
for his son. Son takes laptop to mom's house for the weekend.
Mom has different rules about what can happen with computer time. Then dad has.
Do you see any potential problems coming up? Mom enforces rules at her house which
includes confiscation of the laptop. Now, you can see how this could blow up very
quickly. What should Dad do about this? What is
the problem in dad's world? Well, Dad is concerned that mom has
rules that he doesn't agree with and that's why getting something laptop in
the first place. But he doesn't control that. So, when I say solve the problem in
your own world, Dad now has a problem in his world where the laptop is missing.
Well, what's the problem? Well, he let it out of his home. Now, Dad might be
thinking, "But he should be able to do whatever he wants to with his laptop in
Mom's world." Well, that's mom's world, Mom gets to set the rules over there. The
fact that kid took the laptop to mom's house is a problem now for dad because
the laptop is missing, okay? Do you see how this could have been avoided if Dad
would have solved the problem in his own world. Don't send the laptop. The laptop
stays here. Well, now son's going to say, "Well, that's my laptop. I wanted to do whatever
I want to." Yeah, this gets into problems really quickly when we try to enforce
rules or solve problems in the ex's world. You don't want to go there. You
solve the problems in your own world. Another example, Mom has some rules about
language, respectful language. Kid goes to Dad's house for the weekend, comes back
swearing. Okay, that's against the rules in Mom's
house. Mom is tempted to take on Dad and say, "Hey, you need to be more careful
about what kind of language you're using in your home." No! Mom, solve the problems
in your own world. What's the problem in Mom's world? My
kids swearing in my world. That has nothing to do with Dad's world. Now,
meanwhile, Mom's thinking, "Well, yes it does. That's where he learned it." Okay,
regardless of where you learned, I don't care if you learned it at that dad's
or on TV or at school. You've got a problem in your world now, Mom. Your kids
swearing in your world. Take it on. We got another video about how to help kids
with swearing. You handle the problems in your own world.
Now, strategy number 4. And this one is powerful. Practice forgiveness. Now, I know.
We're not going to launch into the Sunday morning devotional here. I'm not talking
about the religious kind of forgiveness that we talk about in church. I'm talking
about, you let go of your need for a better world or a better past maybe is
even more accurate. You let go of your attachment for something better than
what you've already got and accepted that's what it is.
Practicing forgiveness also means that you come up with a whole new story about
your circumstances. Remember what we've talked about in other videos in this
channel about staying positive no matter what. How can you do that in the midst of
this whole mess that you're in? Well, that's a pretty good question. And make
sure that it's a question not a statement disguised as a question. "How
can I do this and..." No. Question. How can I do this? Is there a way I can look at
this where I can feel gratitude. Not disdain and hate. Is there a way I can do
this that has me showing up is the most conscious, positive parent that I could
possibly be. And there's some really good answers to those questions. Practice
forgiveness. I'm glad you found this video and I'm honored to be on your team.
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