Let's kick things off with the war in Ukraine,
where Ukrainian forces are continuing to make gains
on the ground against Russia.
And Russia is continuing to make gains in scaring
the shit out of everybody.
REPORTER: Tonight Vladimir Putin personally overseeing
Moscow's first major nuclear drills
since he invaded Ukraine, simulating
a massive nuclear strike.
And for the first time, Putin issuing
an ominous and unfounded warning--
[speaking russian]
REPORTER: --that Ukraine plans to blow up
a dirty bomb laced with radioactive material
in its own territory.
Western allies warning Russia could use such an event
as a false flag to blame Ukraine for an attack
that Moscow carries out itself.
REPORTER: A dirty bomb is not a nuclear bomb
and would be less harmful.
But by using conventional explosives
to spread radioactive material, it's
an effective weapon of terror.
Yeah, that's right.
Russia might be gearing up to use a dirty bomb, which
is a bomb that spreads radioactive material,
not a regular bomb that's into kinky shit
like you were thinking.
Not me-- that's what you were thinking when you heard that.
And right now Putin is saying that Ukraine
is planning to use a dirty bomb on themselves.
But everyone can see through this.
We know it's just a cover so that Putin has
an excuse to use one on them.
It's so transparent.
It's like a kid going, just so you know, Mom,
I heard that Ukraine is going to steal
all the Halloween candy before you can hand it out next week.
So if Halloween candy goes missing,
you know who to blame.
And, by the way, please don't buy Raisinets.
Ukraine doesn't like those ones.
[laughter]
But transparent or not, this is pretty terrifying
and not just for Ukraine.
Does Russia think these things through?
They're on the same border.
Think about how everything's gone wrong.
Look at how poorly Russia's entire invasion has gone, huh?
Dropping a dirty bomb will probably
end up backfiring on Putin.
He's going to be there in his war room like, (RUSSIAN
ACCENT) oh, shit, the radiation gave all Ukrainian soldiers
laser eyes.
That's so cool.
What about our soldiers?
Did they get powers, too, General?
Like, yes, Mr. President, our men can't stop pooping.
Not as cool.
Now, if we had more time, we could talk about how Russia is
also now threatening to shoot down American satellites that
are helping with the Ukrainian war effort, which would be
bad news for everybody except Space Force
because they finally have something to do.
But we don't have the time for that.
Because while Russia is planning shady shit
in Ukraine, China is already doing
shady shit all over the world.
The Dutch Foreign Ministry is investigating claims
that China is operating at least two unofficial police
stations in the Netherlands, which would
breach diplomatic protocol.
According to the allegations detailed in this report,
Beijing has been operating underground, undeclared
policing units to carry out persuasion operations aimed
at coercing those suspected of speaking
out against the Chinese regime to return home.
But what's happening in the Netherlands
might just be the tip of the iceberg.
The Spanish NGO Safeguard Defenders
says it's uncovered more than 50 unofficial police
stations around the world.
It's found outposts in at least 21 countries,
including the UK, the US, and many parts of Europe.
OK, if this is true, this is terrifying.
Can you imagine China has a secret police
force in other countries, where they
harass and intimidate Chinese dissidents
who are living abroad?
And then they try and convince them
to move back to China, which, how does that even work, huh?
What, are agents just grabbing Chinese people
abroad like, hey, we've seen the crap you talk about China?
You say one more thing about China,
and China will destroy you.
You better shut up about China.
You hear me?
Oh, and, by the way, would you like to move back to China?
We miss you. It's a great place.
We've got WeChat now.
[laughter]
Now China claims these offices are
not secret police stations.
They're just used for administrative purposes
like giving people driver's licenses and stuff.
But if that's true, why are they keeping them all
secret, huh?
You don't need to be shady if you're just doing paperwork.
Yeah, the DMV lady is never like, oh, you
need to renew your passport.
Be at this parking lot at 0500 hours.
Tell the man in the green jacket
that the sun shines in November.
He'll give you a briefcase with your new passport and a gun.
Use the gun to kill him.
And if you don't like your picture, come back
and we'll retake it, OK?
Now, if we had time, we could talk more about
how China is increasingly throwing
its weight around the world.
Or we could figure out the best way
to protect ourselves from Chinese influence
and surveillance.
I mean, maybe we can find the answer on TikTok.
But we don't have the time for that.
Because while China is spreading around the world
in secret, there's an even bigger
super power who just announced her plan
to dominate the globe.
Fans of superstar singer Rihanna
have been clamoring for new music from her for years.
And now it appears their wait is almost over.
[music playing]
Rihanna shared a 15-second teaser
on Twitter of her new single titled "Lift Me Up."
It's for the upcoming Black Panther
movie, Wakanda Forever.
This marks Rihanna's first single as a lead artist in six
long years for her fans.
Oh, yeah!
[cheering]
Thank you.
Thank you, Jesus.
Rihanna's releasing new music.
And on top of that, her song is going
to be part of the new Black Panther movie.
Are you kidding me?
[cheering]
Oh, man, that's going to be so great.
I mean, it's going to be great for us.
It won't be great for the Wakandans
because it's going to be hard to concentrate
on fighting the bad guys when a Rihanna song starts playing.
You know, it's going to be like, it's
time to defend our ho-- oh!
Oh, surely, are you hearing this right now, huh?
Are you hearing this?
Because you understand how big this is,
Rihanna plus Black Panther.
What?
I haven't experienced this much Black joy
since that time featured on that Cardi B track.
Oh, man.
Yeah, it was just like (IMITATING OBAMA) wap,
wap, wap, that's right.
I'll tell you what makes my pussy wet-- voting.
Vote.
Everybody, vote.
A wap, wap, wap.
[applause]
I will say, though--
I will say, you've got to admit, Rihanna
is keeping us thirsty, huh?
We've been all begging--
we've been begging for an album for six years.
And now she's like, OK, OK, I'll give you one song.
And we're like, thank you, Rihanna!
Thank you, just one song.
Now, if we had the time, we could celebrate the release
of this new track by listening to all
of Rihanna's previous albums.
But we don't have the time for that.
Because while Rihanna is about to take over your Spotify,
another billionaire is taking over your tweets.
REPORTER: One day before he's expected to officially take
over Twitter, Elon Musk walked back his previous promise
to remove most moderation on the site,
reassuring advertisers that it would not become
a free-for-all hellscape, where anything can
be said with no consequences.
Musk also visited Twitter's offices,
carrying a kitchen sink, tweeting, "entering
Twitter HQ, let that sink in."
Oh.
Oh, get it?
Get it?
Let that sink in.
I know a lot of people think that was corny.
But I think once you have 87 children,
you're allowed to make dad jokes.
You can do it.
It's fun.
Let that sink in.
What I want to know is, where did he get that sink?
No, I mean, it works for the joke.
Where did he get the sink?
Right?
Is it just the one he ripped out
of the wall when the judge told him he had to buy Twitter?
[shouts]
If anything, Elon is the right billionaire to make this joke,
you know?
Because if Jeff Bezos walked into Amazon with a sink,
his employees would be like, oh, wow,
we're finally getting a restroom.
He's like, no!
No, go away.
Go away.
[applause]
And as for that statement to the advertisers that Elon
sent, I will say, it's interesting to see Elon go
from the free speech cowboy of the West
to pandering to the advertisers and saying,
Twitter will be a safe space for your advertising dollars.
Yeah, the man has owned Twitter for one minute,
and already, he's like, free speech is great,
but you know what else is great?
Money, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Honestly, it's embarrassing.
Yeah, not even-- not even one day
of owning Twitter, and Elon is already caving in
to the advertisers, folding like a tortilla
around a Crunch Wrap Supreme filled with carne asada steak,
available only at Taco Bell.
[laughter]
What a shill.
What a shameless, shameless shill.
Now, if we had more time, we could
get into how Twitter can try to stay relevant
in the era of TikTok, or how funny it would be if everyone
stopped using Twitter and Elon Musk just straight up
lost $44 billion.
But we don't have the time for any of that.
Because while Twitter is entering a new phase,
its top rival just got some very bad news of its own.
REPORTER: Meta, the parent company of Facebook,
reported earnings that disappointed
Wall Street in a big way--
the stock plunging more than 20% after the company
revealed that it expects its losses
associated with building the Metaverse to keep growing.
REPORTER: Meta has already lost a staggering $9.4 billion
on the Metaverse so far this year.
But Zuckerberg is vowing to stay the course.
MARK ZUCKERBERG (ON PHONE): Look,
I get that a lot of people might
disagree with this investment.
But people are going to look back on decades from now
and talk about the importance of the work that
was done here.
Not a lot of sympathy for Zuckerberg,
but the wealth destruction across the board
here, remarkable.
From his peak last year, Zuckerberg
is down about $95 billion.
He used to be the third richest person in the world.
After today, he could fall to 26 or 27.
Ugh, puh!
26th or 27th richest person in the wo-- ugh!
Ugh, puh!
Disgusting!
Now what can you buy?
Like, everything?
Ugh.
Yeah, thanks to his investments in the Metaverse,
Mark Zuckerberg has lost $95 billion
in his personal wealth.
If the man was capable of feeling human emotion right
now, he'd be stressed as hell.
Because keep in mind-- keep in mind, once you fall out
of the top 10, you no longer get to go to the VIP area
at the Illuminati orgy.
No, you're in general admission.
It's a terrible view.
You can't even see the virgin goat sacrifice.
What happened?
Did it happen yet?
Did it happen?
It's actually a goat that's a virgin, sacrificing something
else. It's weird.
Now, before you feel sorry for Zuckerberg, remember,
it's not all bad for him.
Yes, he's down $95 billion in the real world.
But in the Metaverse, he's still worth $10 trillion
Zuck Bucks.
Oh, yeah.
And I will say kudos to Mark.
Kudos, Mark Zuckerberg.
A lot of people have been talking about taking
down big tech for a while.
But he's the only one with the balls
to do it to his own company.
[laughter]
Be the change you want to see in the world.
[applause]