So, I didn't wanna-- I didn't wanna,
you know, lose my virginity so fast.
It was the Catholic Church's fault.
Like, now, I'm cool with Jesus.
I knew Jesus didn't mind if I had sex
'cause Jesus loved whores, right?
It's in the Bible.
He hung out with prostitutes, they were his favorite people.
When he was fed up with the apostles,
he'd be like, "Where are my prostitutes?"
And they'd be like, "We're here."
He'd be like, "We're not gonna write about you
in the Bible, but cool."
And then he was friends with them.
So, I knew that once I had sex,
I would just confess to Jesus,
"I had sex." He'd be like, "You know I love that."
I'd be like, "I know, just telling you."
And so that would be fine.
What I was afraid of was getting pregnant.
Obviously, I didn't want to be a teenage mother
or a mother period.
I knew if I got pregnant,
I would have to have an abortion
and I was very afraid of abortion because of church.
Not 'cause of Jesus,
but because of the priest at church.
Every single sermon the priest at my church did
were about abortion.
Even though it was not in the Bible that day, you know.
They would be like, "Merry Christmas, everybody.
And we are here 'cause Mary had a baby.
She kept it even though she didn't know
who the fuck gave it to her.
And we will celebrate Mary.
She didn't have an abortion like you girls
who go to the clubs and use it as birth control.
Then if you had an abortion, you're going to hell.
If you know someone that's had an abortion,
you're going to hell.
You're all going to hell.
Guys, don't worry. We'll high-five you.
It's cool, you got a woman pregnant.
But the women are going to hell."
And I was like, "I don't wanna go to hell."
I decided I'm never gonna get pregnant
and the easiest way to do that
is to never have sex.
And I really didn't understand what an abortion was.
I didn't know it was a safe medical procedure
that prevents a pregnancy from becoming a pregnancy.
I thought you carried a baby to full term
and then in a doctor's office, they, like, shot it in the head.
You know, I was like, "I'm not doing that."
I'm not judging, but I'm not doing that.
So, instead of sex...
Instead of sex,
I was the girl who loved being fingered.
I loved fingering. Loved?
I still love it. I love fingering.
I am bringing back fingering.
It's amazing. Do it to everybody.
It's not just for-- It's not just for kids. It's like sugar cereal.
Adults can enjoy it, too. It's wonderful.
You're going right to the source.
It's the greatest feeling on Earth.
And so... I had a lovely boyfriend
who used to finger me.
And the first time I ever got fingered--
Oh, my God.
I mean, I touched myself before,
but when you get to go hands free,
it's like, "Whee!" It's so exciting.
And the feeling was so powerful
that after I got fingered,
every moment after that that I wasn't getting fingered,
I was in a deep, dark depression.
That's why when you see Goth girls walking around,
they're not trying to get attention, they're upset.
They got fingered once and haven't been fingered since.
They're like, "It's so dark. Everything is horrible.
I don't feel anything."
So, anyway...
My boyfriend usually went first on me
'cause he was a good guy.
But this one time I wanted to return the favor.
And so I took my two dry hands,
and I rubbed his penis up and down like you do,
and it almost caught on fire.
And...
So, like a skilled firefighter, he grabbed it like a hose
and was like, "I got this."
And he came on his hand like a young man of 17 does,
wiped it on his T-shirt in the basement
and then he kindly went in to return the favor.
All I saw on that finger--
I couldn't see it, but I knew it was there.
Billions and billions of sperm.
I didn't wanna be like:
"Can you wash your hands?
I'm not ready to become a mother."
'Cause that's dorky, right?
Then I was like,
"You can't get pregnant from fingering.
They would've told us. They would've told us
that in school.
Unless they don't know what this is, and we just invented it."
I was like, "I need that good feeling," so I let it happen.
No consequences. I didn't care.
I woke up in the middle of the night
and put my hand on my stomach
and I felt a heartbeat and I was like:
"Oh, my God. I'm a mother."
I was so dumb.
I didn't know that you could feel a pulse
anywhere else but your wrist.
That was the first time I had noticed a pulse
anywhere else in my body.
And I thought I'd grown a baby in four hours.
I was like, "Whoo! That happens fast.
No wonder this abortion is such a hot topic.
There is a living, breathing person in there."