(cheering)
- Seventh's not that bad.
Plus, he just qualified for the paralympics.
Every four years, we spend two weeks watching
athletes compete for a chance to be on a box
of disgusting cereal that nobody's bought
since the '50s.
Who wants to spend two weeks in London?
The food sucks, it's always raining, and
no one looks like Christian Bale.
It's just like Boston with a big clock.
The Olympics haven't been fun since '92
when the Dream Team destroyed every country
they played by 40 points and impregnated half
the bitches in Barcelona.
Yeah.
It's not a coincidence that Spain suddenly
started cranking out beautiful mixed race ballers.
The Greeks only invented the Olympics because
they needed something to watch while eating
their delicious salads.
That's why I decided to get in on this action
and do every single sport in the Olympics
in record time for the 2012 tosh point O-lympic games.
- [Announcer] Here is Daniel Tosh with an affinement
warm-up routine that has this announcer fully aroused.
He loads into the blocks in the historic
tosh point O-lympiad is under way.
A ridiculously short dash into the hurdles,
into the high jump.
He's no stranger to working the pole.
Is it the shoes?
Clips the crossbar.
And waiting for him on the pad is a wrestler.
Let's get it on.
It's over.
Four gold so far.
Can he make it five?
Tosh floats like a butterfly, stings like VD.
Judo?
Now he's just piling on.
(yells)
It's as if he's been training all morning.
He looks dead.
That's gonna make the rematch tricky.
Time to throw stuff.
He chucks the metal frisbee.
The metal softball.
Tosh races through the field events
like a ferral chested [Bleep].
Oh, hits his head on the release.
Can we see a replay?
No?
Okay.
Forehand followed by a backhand.
Then a two handed backhand into a
whatever the hell that is.
A big shove.
The judges aren't going to like that.
[Bleep] It.
YOLO.
He clings it.
He jerks it.
And even has time to get a quick nap in.
This is where Tosh truly excels, handling balls.
Spikes the volleyball right into a rented Camera.
Water Polo ball fake and a header for a goal.
And look out, Dream Team, because Daniel
just brought the house down.
Chalks up for gymnastics.
And let's just say he powdered his nose
for a little extra energy.
Take that, G series.
(whimsical flute)
Just delightful.
Suck a bag of tits, China.
Bela Karolyi right out to congratulate him.
Must me nice to hug a man and not a 12 year-old girl
that will never have a period.
That counts as equestrian?
Seems like a stretch.
Remember, nobody needs an assault rifle for any reason.
He'll probably get a low score because of that splash,
but doesn't seem to bother him as he swims
to the end of the pool and right into sailing and rowing.
And here it is, the final leg of the Dan-cathlon.
Yes, he's done it.
The judges are factoring in time, distance,
and degree of difficulty.
Daniel Tosh just made Michael Phelps
look like a lazy bitch.
What a great day for America.
- I just completed all the Olympic events in record time.
Now can we start football season?
It's the only sport Americans care about.
(cheering)
I don't know why everyone's so upset about blood doping.
Makes sports so much easier.
(energetic techno)