- RIGHT NOW I WANT TO SURPRISE SOMEONE HERE
AT THE SHOW WHO KNOWS HOW IMPORTANT EARTH DAY IS.
HE'S OUR CUSTODIAN.
PETE, COME ON OUT.
PETE.
[cheers and applause]
I LOVE PETE SO MUCH.
PETE, TODAY I WANT TO HONOR YOU
BECAUSE YOU INSPIRE US AROUND HERE.
YOU REALLY DO.
- HE SET UP A PROGRAM
THAT HAS SAVED THE SHOW THOUSANDS OF REAMS OF PAPER.
YOU TAUGHT US THAT WE WANT TO USE OUR PAPER WISELY,
WE WANT TO USE THE BACKS OF PAPER
INSTEAD OF JUST PRINTING THE FRONT.
AND NO MATTER WHAT WE DO,
WE JUST DON'T WANT TO WASTE PAPER.
- YEAH. - SO--RIGHT?
[cheers and applause]
THAT IS WHY TODAY, PETE, WE ARE GIVING YOU
OUR "ELLEN" SHOW PAPER SAVER AWARD.
[brass fanfare music]
YES.
CONGRATULATIONS.
[cheers and applause]
YES.
CONGRATULATIONS.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR SEGMENT
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE SIGNS? SIGNS."
- [singing] SIGN, SIGN,
EVERYWHERE A SIGN
BLOCKING OUT THE SCENERY
BREAKING MY MIND
DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT
CAN'T YOU READ THE SIGN?
SIGN, SIGN, EVERYWHERE A SIGN
[twangy guitar solo]
OH, BOY. ALL RIGHT.
THIS COMES FROM MEGAN TAYLOR IN AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND.
"I SAW THIS AD FOR A REALTOR
"IN THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER.
THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT."
AND IT SAYS, "WANT TO ADD DOLLARS
"TO THE VALUE OF YOUR HOUSE WHEN SELLING,
CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT."
SEEMS LIKE THEY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT REAL ESTATE
AND NOTHING ABOUT NEWSPAPERS.
IF THE CLICKING DOESN'T WORK, TRY DOUBLE CLICKING IF YOU--
SEE IF THAT WORKS.
JOCENDA CUSTER FROM GODFREY, ILLINOIS.
I SAW THIS SIGN WHILE I WAS HIKING IN KENTUCKY.
IT AS AT THE EDGE OF A POND NEAR A DAM.
AND IT SAYS "DO NOT REMOVE THESE DAM ROCKS."
[cheers and applause]
APPARENTLY THEY CAUGHT SOMEONE STEALING THE ROCKS.
THE POLICE SAID THEY HAD SOME VERY DAMMING EVIDENCE.
SCOTT HENDERSON FROM HUTCHINSON, KANSAS.
"THIS IS A SIGN AT ONE OF OUR LOCAL CHURCHES."
[people speaking indistinctly]
OH, OH.
I JUMPED.
- YEP.
- SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT LAST PUNCH LINE, THAT I...
JUNE DELUCA FROM LONG BEACH, CALIFORNIA.
"I WAS VISITING MY FRIEND IN THE MATERNITY WARD
WHEN I SAW THIS SIGN POSTED IN THE LADIES ROOM."
IT SAYS, "BABY CHANGING STATION,
MAX. WEIGHT LIMIT 250 POUNDS."
THE ONLY THING SCARIER THAN A 250 POUND BABY
IS A 250 POUND BABY THAT NEEDS TO BE CHANGED.
SCOTT HENDERSON-- REMEMBER HIM?
HE'S FROM...
HE'S FROM HUTCHINSON, KANSAS.
"THIS WAS A SIGN AT ONE OF OUR LOCAL CHURCHES."
AND IT SAYS,
"SERMON: WHATEVER."
IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, THE SON,
AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
KAREN HOWARD FROM COURTICE, ONTARIO.
"I WAS WATCHING YOUR SHOW
"AND I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE AMUSED
BY THE DESCRIPTION THAT THE ROGERS CABLE GAVE."
AND IT SAYS...
"EMMY-WINNING UPBEAT TALK-AND-VARIETY SHOW
"FEATURING CELEBRITY INTERVIEWS AND MUSIC PERFORMANCES,
"TINGED WITH THE APPEALING DEGENERES'S OFF-THE-WALL
"OBSERVATIONAL HUMOR,
PLUS HER OWN RATHER UNUSUAL STYLE OF DANCING."
[audience jeering and cheering]
[cheers and applause]
I DON'T KNOW IF THEY REALIZE IT.
IF YOU PUT SOMETHING IN PARENTHESIS,
I CAN STILL SEE IT.
IF YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU THINK I SHOULD SEE,
PLEASE SEND IT TO ME.