- What dating mistakes do the 16 personalities make?
How is your personality type sabotaging your dating life?
What mistakes does your personality type tend to make
over and over again
without even realizing that you're doing it?
Is there hope?
Yes!
This video is your last hope.
I'm kidding, but yes, in this video,
I am going to point to generally common dating mistakes
that I think are much more likely to happen
to specific personality types.
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ESTP and ESFP, the mistake that you most commonly make
is that you don't date with intent.
Sure, you might be dating a lot,
but it's not really leading anywhere.
And maybe that doesn't bother you,
but at some point it will.
And once you get to that point, it might be too late.
Wow, Frank, thanks for cheering me up.
So you guys, you ESFPs and ESTPs,
you go on dates, you're having fun,
you're having some laughs,
but you're not really thinking about the future.
Maybe vaguely somewhere in the back of your mind,
you're like, "Oh yeah, if we keep dating,
maybe it becomes a relationship.
I don't even know, man."
It's 'cause you guys have a superpower
of living in the moment, just taking life as it comes.
The problem is you're not paying attention
to the long-term implications of what you are doing today.
You are sacrificing long-term planning.
You know that you are going on dates,
but you don't know why.
And unless you're dating another person of the same type,
they're not gonna like that.
So don't go into dating without a plan.
If you're not looking for a relationship, that's fine,
but if, ultimately, that's what you want,
If you something meaningful,
if you wanna get married one day,
you've gotta go into your first date with someone
kind of with that trajectory in mind.
Not so much that you're like saying to the person,
"Okay when can we get married?"
But you're starting to frame the present
in the context of what you want the future to look like.
You have to think about the implications of today.
ENFJ and ESFJ, you're too focused
on what the other person wants.
You guys will date people,
and rather than putting yourself out there
and being like, "Well, here's actually what I want,"
you're just trying to evaluate the other person
and figure out what's gonna make them happy.
At the very least, you will inconvenience yourself regularly
for the other person.
The other person might not even be asking you
to do this for them, but you are just naturally like,
"Okay I'm gonna put whatever I want second,
and make sure that whatever I assume that you want,
you get that.
As long as you're happy, that's all that matters."
At it's worst, you are changing how you present yourself
and who they think you are so that they will like you.
Now, a lot of people do this to a degree,
but for these types,
you have to stop yourself from doing that.
I think these types are likely to be very dissatisfied
with their dating life or relationships they get into
because they've just been taking care of the other person
for so long that they're just like, "What about me?"
Or it's like, "This person doesn't even really know
who I am," and that doesn't feel good.
So what you guys gotta do is be a little bit selfish.
Inconvenience the other person for a change.
If you guys live, I don't, know 30 minutes apart,
rather than say, "Oh I'll drive all the way to you,"
make them go halfway or make them come to you.
Don't hide who you are
just because you think they won't like it.
In fact, if you're doing that, it's not a good sign.
ENTJ and ESTJ, you're trying too much
to help the other person.
Very similar to the ENFJ and ESFJ,
it's like you're looking out for the other person,
but I think these types are the most likely to be like,
"Okay this guy really needs my help."
"This girl is a fixer upper.
I need to step into this person's life
to make sure that they can just survive."
Because despite the reputation these types get
for being a little bit mean from time to time,
they're actually very self-sacrificing.
And because they are thinkers,
they are trying to help you piece together your life
to make it work.
How can we make your life run better?
I know, it sounds bizarre.
These types are such bosses outside of the dating world,
but when they get into a dating scenario,
they kind of get attracted to people
who don't have their stuff together.
Their mind is just on autopilot all the time
with what's the next thing I can find to fix?
What's the next thing
that needs to be checked off a to-do list?
I don't think you do it on purpose.
I think you just get subconsciously drawn
towards these people.
So break this pattern by letting the losers go.
I mean, really, we're talking about boundaries here.
Let other people take care of their lives,
you take care of your life.
ISFJ and ISTJ you are most likely to overlook red flags.
Not only to connect red flags
that one person you are dating is throwing up there,
but also just if you see one red flag from one person
to connect it with something that happened
with another person.
I think some types do the opposite where they're like,
"Oh red flag, I'm outta here
'cause I've seen this before."
Whereas ISFJs and ISTJs,
you guys are more likely to be like,
"I've seen this before, but I'm not convinced
that this is the same bad pattern."
You could look at it
as though these types are too accommodating
for other people, but I don't think it's that
because you see the red flags and you know they're bad.
You see that this guy you went on a date with
told the waiter he was a bozo,
and you know that's not good,
but rather than extrapolate off of that
and make a guess that,
"Yeah, this guy is probably kind of a crappy person,"
you are much more likely to ignore it and be like,
"Well, up to this point, this guy seemed fine.
One red flag, everyone has a bad day."
These types might even have a bad feeling,
a gut feeling about someone, and be like, "You know what?
I still need some more time
to see what's actually going on here.
I don't wanna just jump to a conclusion."
So for you guys, start jumping to conclusions.
I know, you don't trust your intuition.
That's the problem.
So what I gotta suggest to you in the dating world
is to trust your gut.
You can trust that if you see a pattern developing,
that pattern is probably a reflection of reality.
ENFP and ENTP, your biggest problem,
your biggest mistake is that you're avoiding commitment.
I think it's just a basic human thing
to have a little bit of fear of commitment
depending on what stage of life you're in,
but I think for these types,
it's like the most chronic thing.
Dating can be scary for these types
because they don't wanna feel boxed in.
Now these types think about the future all the time.
They're very aware of it, and that's what scares them,
specifically, the ways in which
a more committed relationship is going to limit them
in a very concrete way.
Even something as simple as,
"If I am in a relationship with someone,
then suddenly I have to coordinate a schedule with them,
just too much!"
So a lot of times what these types do in the dating world
is just become too go-with-the-flow.
So they'll be like,
"Oh yeah, you wanna get together sometime, that's great.
We'll figure out a time, we'll make it work."
Or you guys will text at the last second and be like,
"Hey, you wanna get together tonight?"
Because it's very frightening for you guys
to get locked into this whole thing where it's like,
"Well, now I actually have to have
some structure in my life.
Now I don't have the freedom
to just do whatever at any time."
And that makes other people think,
"Do you care about dating?
Are you actually interested in going out with me?
'Cause you seem all over the place."
So for you ENFPs and ENTPs out there,
you've gotta commit to getting that structure
and letting yourself get a bit limited,
to make yourself more comfortable
with each level of commitment.
And I'm not talking about getting married,
I'm not even talking about getting in a relationship.
I'm just talking about the commitment of,
"On next Saturday, we will get together."
INTP and ISTP, you look too cool and disinterested.
And when I say cool, I don't mean like cool.
I mean like aloof.
I guess in another way, you could put it
that you are not very open about your feelings.
And I know, feelings,
you guys don't wanna talk about it.
Maybe you struggle to even figure out what you are feeling.
The problem is when you are dating someone
or even just getting to know someone,
someone you have a crush on,
someone you might wanna ask out,
you might think that, "Oh, well, I like this person,
or at least I'm interested in them.
They should probably be picking up on that, right?"
The answer is no.
You probably give off the vibe to people
that you're interested in that you're not interested.
Or let me not even say you give off the vibe,
let me just say you do not give off the vibe
that you are interested.
So this leaves a lot of people around you confused,
confizzled, you might say, as the youth might say.
And when people feel like you're not interested,
they will become less interested.
They will pull away.
They don't wanna invest their time in that.
So ISTPs and INTPs, what you have to do is make sure
that you clearly express to people
when you are actually interested,
when you actually like them.
You don't necessarily have to use words.
I mean, that's always good,
but I know that can also be awkward,
especially in the early stages.
You don't wanna just walk up to someone and say,
"I like you."
I'm gonna get a bunch of messages from people being like,
"Frank, I told people I liked them
and they didn't like that.
You led me astray."
So it could just be that you make an effort to smile more
around this person, to just act generally more friendly
than you feel like is normal for you.
I think a lot of times you ISTPs and INTPs think
your face looks like this, but it really looks like this,
so that's why I say push it a little bit.
Make sure you don't leave people feeling
completely in the dark about how you feel about them.
INFPs and ISFPs, you are too critical of yourself.
The way you prepare for a date is to be like,
"Wow, why would this person wanna go out with me?
I look dumb, I am terrible."
ISFPs and INFPs,
you really put a lot of pressure on yourself.
You have very, very high standards,
and you cannot escape from those standards, unfortunately.
And while, yes, all the IPs do kind of have
this thing going on where they think,
"Yeah, I'm pretty great,"
it's still not as great as they wanna be
because you guys are just so focused on yourself.
Obviously, this negative self talk
and being overly critical not only is it gonna make you
less likely to put yourself out there,
but it also makes it so that when you start
to talk to someone, when you go on a date,
you're gonna start leaking out that negativity.
Other people are gonna pick up on it.
And maybe if you manage to keep it all in on a date,
afterwards, you're just gonna beat yourself up
and be like, "That was the worst date ever.
They're never gonna wanna see me again.
That was terrible.
This is the worst day of my life."
When really, it probably wasn't that bad of a date.
It might hold you back
from wanting to ask the person out again,
not because they said it was bad,
but because you just thought, "I am so terrible
and I screwed that date up,
and I don't even wanna deal with their judgment now."
You can be critical in other areas of life, sure,
but when it comes to dating, you gotta stop doing that.
Either stop doing that or stop dating, which sounds harsh,
but what I really mean is if you are so concerned
about improving yourself
that you just can't stop all this critical self talk,
then maybe it's a sign that you should actually work
on some stuff.
But INFPs and ISFPs, I gotta tell you something,
most people don't hold you to as high of a standard
as you hold yourself, so hopefully that will free you a bit
to be able to go out there and do your thing,
be yourself without being so focused inward.
Focus outward instead.
Instead of worrying, "Oh man does this person like me?
Am I good enough for them?"
Think about, "Do I like them?"
Focus on making sure
that you guys are just having a good time.
Don't worry so much about the judgment aspect.
INFJ and INTJ, oh boy.
You guys don't search hard enough.
In general in life,
you guys are not very good at research.
I know, I'm gonna get a lot of comments
from people like, "Frank, I'm a PhD student.
I'm great at research."
When it comes to dating, they wanna sit back
and take all that time to just plan it out
and think about "What can I do
to hack this whole dating thing?
How can I set up some kind of system
so that I just do a minimal amount of real world work
and go on one date and then I find my soulmate?"
So to avoid the actual going out and researching,
in terms of meeting actual people,
going on real dates, looking through an app
to see all the people who are out there,
they will just spend time researching
how to make the best dating profile.
It will be very narrow research.
"How do I make myself attractive?"
And then, "Oh, let me plan out.
What does my perfect partner look like
so I will be able to instantly attract them
and recognize them?"
You gotta just throw that out the window.
Stop trying to over control the process of dating.
That's what you guys are doing.
You're control freaks.
Let go, get out there and just start meeting people.
Just open up the dating app and go through the dozens
and dozens of profiles.
Do the work of messaging several people.
I know, this sounds like a nightmare scenario, doesn't it?
You're not gonna be able to win the dating game
by just planning a bunch.
Thanks for watching, and until next time,
stay cool and attractive.
♪ 16 personalities ♪