Whoa.
Macaulay Culkin looks worse than
I thought.
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ]
You know, last year, we did
Bieber, and now it's Rob Lowe.
Who's next --
Flo, the Progressive Lady?
[ Laughter ]
David, thanks for taking time
away from waiting for Sandler to
write "Grown Ups 3" to be here.
[ Laughter ]
David Spade's assistant once
tried to kill him in his sleep,
and the world was shocked to
find out you could afford an
assistant.
[ Laughter ]
That's not bad.
Rob Riggle is here.
I actually really love Rob
Riggle.
Rob -- Yeah.
Rob was as --
[ Cheers and applause ]
Rob was a Marine --
the few, the proud --
which also describes his fans.
[ Laughter ]
Peyton Manning is here.
I fucking love Peyton Manning.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He's the shit.
Peyton -- Peyton looks like if
football players evolved to no
longer need helmets.
[ Laughter ]
No, seriously, Peyton, I love
all your of work, especially
when I saw you in "The Goonies"
yelling, "Hey, you guys!"
[ Laughter ]
A super bowl is also what
Peyton's mom had to cut his hair
with as a child.
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy Carr is here.
When I first met Jimmy Carr, I
thought, "Wow!
Jeff Dunham's puppets are
getting amazing!"
[ Laughter ]
Jimmy, you look like a butler in
a haunted mansion.
Nikki Glaser's here.
I'm friends with Nikki.
So, it's -- She's very funny.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You know, Nikki has a show
called "Not Safe," though most
people call it "Not Schumer."
[ Audience ohhs ]
Ah, fuck you.
Well, Ralph Macchio is here.
That's really cool, right?
Ralph Macchio, right?
[ Cheers and applause ]
You may know Ralph Macchio from
saying, "Wax on, wax off," if
you've been to the car wash on
Melrose and La Brea.
[ Laughter ]
And Ann Coulter is here,
everybody.
Ann Coulter, if you're here,
who's scaring the crows away
from our crops?!
[ Laughter ]
You know, Ann describes herself
as a polemicist, but most people
call her a cunt.
[ Laughter ]
You know, last year, we had
Martha Stewart, who sells
sheets, and now we have Ann
Coulter, who cuts eyeholes in
them.
[ Laughter ]
Uh, anyway, Jewel's here.
Jewel, I won't make fun of you
yet 'cause I want to give
everyone at home time to Google
who you are.
[ Laughter ]
My mom really wanted me to get
you to sign this.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I, uh -- I don't know what the
fuck it is.
If it's a phone, it's broken,
but she'd really appreciate if
you could sign this.
My mom came here to see you, so,
uh, yeah.
Let's hear it for Rob Lowe,
okay? Right?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Rob Lowe.
Or, as gonorrhea doctors call
him, patient zero.
[ Laughter ]
People call Rob Lowe a bad
actor, but that's only because
they never saw him tell his wife
he didn't fuck that nanny.
[ Laughter ]
Rob has two beautiful kids here.
Not his children -- They're just
guaranteed in his contract.
[ Laughter ]
Rob was the first male
spokesperson for the Lee
National Denim Day, which raises
millions of dollars for
breast-cancer research, you
know?
That's a great thing.
It's a disease -- Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's a disease that his mother,
his grandmother, and
great-grandmother suffered from.
But you still fucked a
16-year-old girl in 1988.
[ Laughter ]
It doesn't change anything.
You still did that.
I'm coming for you.
No, seriously, thank you for
having me here.
I don't know why I'm here. I
don't know who any of you are,
really.
It's like -- I was born after
all this happened.
But, seriously, you've had an
amazing career.
And I'll be extremely lucky if
I'm, you know, able to tell
jokes up here 30 years later.
Actually, no, that would mean I
would just be Jeff Ross, so
never mind.
[ Laughter ]
Give it up for Rob Lowe,
everybody.
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]