-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. "The Tonight Show," you made it.
Let's get to some news.
Well, guys, today the U.S. hit the debt ceiling,
which means the federal government
can't borrow any more money.
Yep.
Right now the U.S. is $31 trillion in debt.
The country's so strapped for cash,
George Santos is e-mailing people
pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
[ Laughter ]
Trying.
Also to make some extra money,
it's now called the Gillette Mach3 Washington Monument.
Which I think is... [ Laughter ]
But Republicans say they won't raise the debt ceiling
unless there are drastic spending cuts.
They even want us to switch our nukes to store-brand uranium.
I mean, come on. [ Laughter ]
Today, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said
extraordinary measures are being taken
to keep the government's bills paid.
Which explains why tonight Mitch McConnell started an OnlyFans.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow.
-That's right. Everyone wants to chip in.
Today President Biden said he was gonna have a garage sale,
but his garage is a crime scene, so it's just like --
He can't -- [ Laughter, audience "oohs" ]
[ Rimshot ]
Speaking of classified documents,
former President Trump has now claimed that he never took any,
just the empty folders the documents were in
because they were "cool keepsakes."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, because there's no cooler keepsake than a manila folder.
Yeah, it's like, that's -- "cool keepsakes."
Trump takes classified documents
the way we take shampoo from our hotel rooms, like --
[ Laughter ]
Always nice to pick up a little reminder
from that time you were the president of the United States.
The White House has a gift shop, man.
I mean, you don't go around grabbing stuff
like you're on "Supermarket Sweep," you know?
Just taking stuff. [ Laughter ]
In fairness, when Trump sees the word classified,
he thinks it just means the thing has been made more classy.
[ Laughter ]
"That casino was a dump 'til I classified the joint.
And now, it's very classy."
[ Light laughter ]
People are talking about this --
Ukrainian President Zelenskyy said that he isn't sure
if Vladimir Putin is still alive.
[ Audience "oohs" ]
Right now, 20 Russian officials
are sitting around a conference table like,
"You poke him."
"No, you."
[ Laughter ]
Then an aide felt Putin's forehead, he's like,
"He's cold and stiff, so all good. He's great."
[ Laughter ] You guys see this?
At JFK airport here in New York,
a JetBlue plane
accidentally bumped into another JetBlue plane
that was parked on the runway.
Everyone's okay, and JetBlue has even released an apology.
Here it is. -We here at JetBlue
would like to apologize for our recent misstep.
We take the safety of our passengers very seriously,
and this kind of careless accident will not be tolerated.
But look on the bright side.
At least we aren't Spirit.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow.
[ Applause ]
-Wow. And that's -- -Indeed.
[ Applause ]
-Then -- Then Spirit saw JetBlue's video,
and released their own response.
Check this out. -We here at Spirit
don't appreciate the baseless finger-pointing
and mudslinging that certain airlines find acceptable.
We promise to never sink to their level,
because at the end of the day,
at least we aren't Southwest. [ Laughter ]
-This is -- This is --
I can't believe they did that.
Well, Southwest saw Spirit's video.
-Really?
-And they released their own. Watch this.
-We here at Southwest understand
the criticism we've recently received.
Do we make mistakes? Sure.
But when all is said and done,
at least we aren't Southwest.
Wait, no! -That -- Well --
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Rim shot ]
[ Cheers ]
Hey, I just saw that Instagram just announced
a new feature called "Quiet Mode,"
which helps users focus
by pausing all notifications from the app.
Yeah, here's how it works.
You set your Instagram to Quiet Mode.
Then a friend texts you, "Hey, did you see that thing
I sent you on Instagram?" [ Laughter ]
Some more business news, Party City just filed for bankruptcy.
[ Audience "aws" ]
Yeah, apparently they just couldn't keep up with inflation,
weak sales, and the rising price of helium.
It is tough news.
Let's take a look at how it's going
over at Party City headquarters.
[ High-pitched ] Well, Dale, looks like the end of the road.
The price of helium's just way too high.
-[ High-pitched ] It's terrible, Doug.
When I heard the news, I shrieked.
-It's not your fault.
I mean, we expanded too fast,
and it all just went pop.
-And now, it's all coming to a screeching halt.
-Well, I guess we can't do this anymore.
[ Hissing, knob squeaks ]
[ Deep voice ] It's a sad day.
[ Laughter ] -[ Deep voice ] I'm devastated.
-I was waiting for a special occasion to do this, but --
-Is that a cigar? -Sure.
-Wait, no!
[ Explosion ] -Oh, terrible. Oh.
[ Applause ]
That's unfort-- terrible.
[ Laughs ] What?
-Wow. -Wow!
-They were blonde? -Oh, terrible.
-They were all blonde? -Oh, my goodness.
It's Party City, man.
What are you talking about? Of course.
-And helium suddenly became flammable?
-Yes, helium's flammable, very, yeah.
Switching gears, PetSmart is offering to pay
one dog and one cat $10,000
to serve as the chief toy tester.
Pretty exciting opportunity.
Here's what some pets had to say when they heard the news.
This dog said...
This next dog said...
And finally, this cat said...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Chief toy tester.
Some movie news, James Cameron said
that in the next "Avatar" sequel,
the narrator will no longer be Jake Sully,
but someone else.
Well, they're trying out new narrators now,
and we got a sneak peek of the auditions.
Yep, there's some familiar faces here. Here. Check this out.
-Look at those blue guys horsing around in the swimming hole.
You know, I went to a high school with a Na'vi.
We called him Bluey. He was 10 feet tall.
Took our basketball team to the states,
but we got disqualified because of his gills.
-Wow! Oh, gosh, these fish.
They're trying to murder me.
-The connection between these here Na'vi and the water
is profound and stirring.
Much like marmalade on a warm biscuit.
-Wow-e-wow.
I can not believe the amazing scenery and "Na'veye" people.
Like for part two.
-The Na'vi swim peacefully underwater as they wonder --
"Where are the [bleep] penguins?"
-What? "Where are the penguins?"
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, I heard that in an effort to reduce methane emissions,
one dairy company is putting masks and diapers on cows
to trap their flatulence and burps.
Someone definitely suggested this
right after the boss was like,
"Remember, there are no dumb ideas, okay?"
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a new study found that men who use Viagra
are more likely to live longer.
The worse part, Joe Biden is using the news
to reassure everyone that he can serve another term.