[Sally Bourke]: Maisie is extremely clever.
Very creative, very entertaining.
[Maisie Bourke]: Can we make it more like a mountain?
[Sally Bourke]: But, she's always been challenging.
She's always just pushed the limits and boundaries.
But she's so loving and she's got a lovely character.
That I never thought there was some label that
needed to be attached to her for me to understand my child.
I feel like her childhood has been snatched away from me.
[MAISIE]
[Sally Bourke]: I'm Sally Bourke. I live in Hull in East Yorkshire.
I'm Maisie's mum, Maisie's thirteen
and currently she's in a hospital for children with mental health issues
in Sheffield.
Going to see Maisie every time it's not just popping into the car and
nipping to the local hospital when your child is poorly
and you're on visiting times;
It's planning a journey: so, making sure that
I've got enough fuel in my tank,
making sure that I've got my water topped up.
A bag of washing.
I have to do laundry every week.
[Paper bag rustles as she puts it down]
[Sally Bourke]: So, we've got to hit the road because
it takes an hour.
I try to put fifty minutes extra in case there's any
hold-ups.
Erm..
and, sometimes it's difficult to get packed.
So,
I've got to
get on the road and hope that
the traffic''s kind.
[Bag rustles]
[Door opens]
[Bag rustles]
[Trunk/Boot opens]
[Bag rustles]
[Trunk/Boot closes]
[Keys jingle]
[Key turns in lock]
[Car door opens]
[Ignition revs up]
[Car door closes]
[Engine runs as car backs up]
[Sound of car driving]
[Sally Bourke]: This is West End;
what used to be our unit in Hole for children that are sufferiing with mental health issues.
Because it's
shut,
erm..
Maisie's now in Sheffield;
but, if that was open, Maisie could just be there
which is about a mile away from home.
When I had my baby, I was-
I was only young myself and..
I was overwhelmed by
the responsibility and
having to put somebody else before me.
Erm..
And, it was
quite a shock to the system.
But I knew, even at that young age,
that that baby was my world.
And even though
lots of people thought that I was an idiot for having a child so young;
I wanted to prove that, even though I was young,
that..
my child was going to turn out
awesome.
And, she has!
[Sound of car driving]
[Sound of traffic]
[Sally Bourke]: Seeing Maisie hit milestones
and being
motivated;
it's worth all the hard work
and all the nights of
crying babies and changing nappies and..
all those days where
you wish you could pull your hair out.
And, I swear,
you're not allowed to-
you can't go out partying
because you haven't got a babysitter,
or you can't afford it,
'cause the kids have needed shoes.
[Sound of traffic]
[Ominous music]
[Sally Bourke]: That I'm aware of,
Maisie started self-harming
in December of 2013.
[Ominous music]
[Sally Bourke]: I came home from work,
and found her trying to stab herself with a pair of scissors.
[Ominous music]
[Sally Bourke]: Some days,
it haunts me more than other days.
There was..
a few months(?)..
where I would replay her life.
Replay
events
where (I thought)
"How could I have missed it?"
I felt that..
I let her down.
[Sound of car driving]
[Ominous music]
[Sound of traffic]
[Ominous music]
[Sally Bourke]: At the moment,
I've got
butterflies going in my stomach.
I'm always apprehensive before I go
on any visit to see Maisie,
wondering what
I'm going to hear;
if she's
had any incidents,
or
what kind of mood she's going to be in.
If I'm going to get any
reports that
sometimes are quite hard to hear.
[Ominous music]
[Sally Bourke]: I officially stopped work last March;
but, actually, when Maisie went
away in December,
I didn't-
didn't go back to work,
from the December (on).
Teaching is,
erm..
you know, you can't just get away with-
like, (if) you're having a bad day,
when you're in charge of thirty children in a class.
Because, erm, you can't wing it;
you've got to know your stuff.
So, Maisie had to come first;
I had to make a choice.
And, of course,
my kids come first; they always have.
[Sound of gas tank and gas meter]
[Click]
[Closing fuel cap]
[Sound of car driving]
[Sound of traffic]
[Sally Bourke]: She already feels guilty,
Maisie does;
saying: "Mum, you've got to travel all this way."
It's all about money.
"What? You spend it on coming to see me?"
She carries that burden;
which is just not fair.
A girl of 13 (years old) to-
to feel that (way).
Especially when she's
in hospital, poorly.
[Sound of car driving]
[Somber music with the sound of traffic]
[Sally Bourke]: I don't think (that the)
professional people that make all these decisions about
these units closing
and, you know, (the ones that say)
"Oh, we'll just put a child in a-
in a bed anywhere";
I don't think (that) they realize
the physical effects
that that (decision) has on family members,
you know?
Not just the dynamics of time and,
you know, if you work;
it's.. emotionally exhausting.
[Music]
[Sally Bourke]: Yeah, I've still got the butterflies.
As I get closer to the unit,
at the-
um,
wind turbines,
near the M1,
that's when I start to focus on positive things:
what has happened everyday,
what I'm going to tell Maisie about.
So, I have to
almost
rake through
with a fine-toothed comb of information;
bits of information that I think she would be able to
cope with, without getting too jealous that's she's missed out.
It's quite difficult;
I don't get it right every time.
[Music]
[Sally Bourke]: Being a Mum was about
teaching this, and (having a) person that looks up to you, and..
(it) almost is a blank page; and
trying to
give her the tools
to see what's right and wrong in the world.
[Somer music]
[Sally Bourke]: I can't sleep at night.
I- I feel so tired.
Erm..
Because,
laying in bed knowing that
her bed's empty,
and that she's in..
a bed that's miles away from home;
[Holding back tears]
um..
it is-
[Tears in eyes]
it's horrible.
[Holding back tears] I-i- it's horrible;
knowing that if she needs me,
that I can't just be there for her.
I'm low away,
and..
I can't look after her and give her a hug, and..
[Holding back tears]
it's just wrong; it's cruel.
It's too cruel.
[Crying]
[Takes a deep breath]
It's cruel for Maisie, and-
and it's cruel for me.
[Sound of car driving]
[Sally Bourke]: It shouldn't be like this.
[Somber music]
[Music]
[Music and sound of traffic]