- What's up you guys.
So I've been brainstorming
some sex and dating, relationship topics,
and I realized how hard it is
to approach any of these topics
without addressing the massive elephant in the room,
that is the apps.
Apps have officially taken over.
3/4 of young adults have used dating apps
and about 3/4 or more of the people
that I've talked to about them
actually hate them.
So, all hail our algorithmic overlords, I guess.
But it got me thinking because at least in theory,
dating apps should be a great idea.
So why are they so exhausting and demoralizing?
I have a few theories.
One is just that, dating apps are a type of social media
and like all of the other videos I've made
about social media on my channel... there's a lot of problems!
But outside of all of that stuff,
there is one big bombshell about dating apps
that I actually haven't seen many people talk about.
It's largely invisible
and yet it almost certainly has an enormous impact
on our experience using these apps.
And that my dears...is the sausage factor.
Dating apps take the cake in the social media world
for being the most male dominated.
How male dominated are we talking here?
A report published just this April
found that 76% of active Tinder users are male.
I was shocked to learn that in the UK and Italy,
Tinder is 90% male.
90%.
What?
Now, if I'm putting on my tinfoil hat,
the reason why this isn't really discussed
in the news or media is because
the apps really don't want people to know this.
And why would they?That has zero effect,
it works out perfectly fine, for lesbian and gay daters.
And in fact, dating apps may even have a certain advantage
for LGBT populations
because it's harder to find your people.
But for the heteros and the bisexuals...
Bisexuos? It's a little problem
and not just in the obvious ways either.
There are a lot of ways that sex ratio imbalances
can affect our dating and mating behavior.
(gentle music)
So let's start with the obvious.
This creates an extremely competitive environment
for men on apps
who may feel like it's hard to get a fair shot.
They're spending all this time
and nothing's really coming out of it.
Meanwhile, women are bombarded with said sausage
and may become overwhelmed.
Consider for instance, that to get a match
a woman needs to swipe right on just three guys
but for men, they need to swipe right on more than 50 women.
With one exception, the top 10% of men
get matches at about the same rate as the top 10% of women.
But outside of that privileged bubble of beautiful people
who all wanna (beep) each other,
it just gets more and more dismal the deeper you go.
The bottom 10% of men only get about one match per week,
while the bottom 10% of women
still get about one match a day.
Interestingly, this sex ratio issue
isn't limited to apps alone.
It can happen in pretty much any dating market.
There's a growing body of research
documenting this happening
amongst college educated daters as well.
Why?
Well, women are graduating
at higher and higher rates than men.
So if you intend to get with someone
who shares educational level,
which by the way is the overwhelming norm,
that makes for a very competitive atmosphere
for straight, bi, college educated women.
(gentle music)
So let's talk less obvious.
The effects of sex ratio imbalances
have been studied since the 70s
and the gist is basically this.
When there's a surplus of men
the dating culture tends to emphasize romance and courtship.
When there's a surplus of women
the dating culture tends to emphasize sex.
And the early studies found that
people actually have better sex
in these more sex centered dating cultures
but it has some downsides too.
Women deal with higher rates of objectification
and they have fewer choices of partner
if they wanna settle down and have a family.
Given the potential for reinforcing stereotypes here,
I do wanna emphasize that
these are broad cultural patterns over time.
They don't necessarily reflect individual experiences
which can vary widely.
Back to Tinder,
all this could mean something interesting
for our cultural conversation about hookup culture
on college campuses and who or what is to blame.
Plenty of people blame dating apps for hookup culture.
And if hookup culture does indeed exist,
it's possible that the sex ratios
and our perceptions of sex ratios
are playing a role in this behavior as well.
Let's think about it.
Tinder's greatest allure is offering us
an endless buffet of options.
So if it SEEMS like there's a surplus of women available
even though there's not, it seems possible that
this could drive a more sex centered dating culture as well.
So plenty there to chew on.
But of course, none of this answers the question about
why dating apps are so male dominated to begin with.
(gentle music)
The traditional explanation here
would be sexual selection theory.
You've probably heard of this.
The theory goes that women are more selective
about who she chooses to have sex with
because the potential costs
reproductively are higher for her.
Whereas men may be less discerning
because the reproductive costs are lower.
We also know that dating apps have more appeal
to people who are interested in casual sex
and so two plus two equals sausage fest.
But as tidy of an explanation as that may be
there is one little factoid
that kind of throws this theory for a loop.
Tinder sex ratio didn't use to be this imbalanced.
As recently as 2015, it was more like 60/40.
That means that over time,
women aren't signing up for dating apps at the same rate
and or they're logging off.
If the multi-billion dollar invention
of female centric dating apps are any indication,
the (beep) boy contingency is a big part of the problem.
Problem isn't that all dudes are insufferable creeps
who treat women on apps like blow up sex dolls,
it's just that there are enough of that type of guy
that pretty much every woman is going to encounter that
when she uses dating apps.
That's how we got things like Bumble
but actually even Bumble can't claim a win here
because their app is still 67% male.
(gentle music)
So I have a few more tidbits for you to consider
about dating apps in light of the sex ratio theory,
if that's what you wanna call it.
The first is that in environments
where there's a lot of competition,
people tend to lie out their ass
and you can apply this to any competitive situation.
Take capitalism.
As industrialization took full effect,
the Federal Government had to interfere
because there was so much false advertising.
So not surprising that in a competitive dating market
there's quite a bit of truth stretching to be found
especially about things that might set someone apart
right off the bat like their appearance,
saying they're taller or thinner
or whatever than they actually are.
The degrees they hold,
I've unfortunately countered that one.
As well as signals of their socioeconomic class.
And sure, individually these might
seem like little white lies that are harmless
and maybe they are, but in the aggregate,
creates a dating culture
where people start to distrust each other.
Number two, the paradox of choice that while it might seem
like more choices should make us happier
because we can find the most perfect mate of all,
it actually ends up making us more miserable.
And even if you don't use apps
where you're already in a relationship,
we are all keenly aware of how many choices
lay just a few clicks away.
The mere presence of this tool can overwhelm us
with considerations about our partner, what we want,
what a perfect partner for us might look like
and this can make it harder for us to commit to them.
And even worse, the paradox of choice has been shown
to make us feel less satisfied when we do make a decision
and to constantly be kind of second guessing ourselves.
Who doesn't need a little more self doubt in their life?
Am I right?
As a side note on this one,
I wonder if the paradox of choice
that's come with dating apps in forming our dating culture
has driven some of the increased interest
in polyamory as relationship style.
I also wonder if the presence of dating apps
has made it easier for people in toxic
or abusive relationships to walk away
because at least in theory,
you know that there are more choices for you out there.
My final observation of the spillout here,
it seems like dating apps are making it
a little more awkward maybe
to connect with people the old fashioned way in real life.
From what I can tell this mostly applies to Gen Z
because they are the first generation
to not know a dating world without apps.
It feels more normal to connect over a dating app
or even Instagram,
or maybe it just feels less risky?
Now, I wonder if this dynamic
I'm approaching someone in person
was not made more complicated by Me Too.
During Me Too,
the type of things that make women feel uncomfortable
or threatened were discussed all over the internet.
And that was obviously,
a very important and overdue conversation.
But there hasn't been as much discussion about,
okay, well, how can a thoughtful and compassionate guy
approach a woman in a way that isn't weird?
Can he?
Should he?
What if you're interested in someone you work with?
Is that totally off limits now?
What is the new protocol?
Now that I'm thinking about it
I wonder if you know that alone doesn't drive
some guys to use apps instead as well.
I hope I'm coming off as a Luddite
who thinks dating apps are horrible here!
But I do think there are some things
we should be considering and talking about more widely
because it might help us figure out
how to have better dating app experiences
and also how to create a better dating app market.
One of my friends, Michael,
he started the dating app Sweet Pea
to deliberately challenge some of this algorithmic nastiness
that happens with dating apps and part of that is also just
these apps are not transparent about it, right?
All right, my dears,
I would love to know your thoughts on this.
I would also love to know are there certain topics
bouncing around in your head right now
related to sex and relationships,
that might be interesting discussions
to have here on my channel.
Doing live streams regularly now
I've realized how much I miss talking about sex
and you guys are so thoughtful and I feel like,
yeah, it's just fun! So let's do it.
All right my dears, I'll see you next time.
(gentle music)