(relaxing R&B music)
- Oh damn.
Check that (beep) out.
- What is that?
- Woo.
I didn't know they made 'em like that. (laughs)
- I don't even understand what I'm seeing.
- Mm. Woo.
I would love to see what's under there.
- I am really curious about that.
- (laughs) Yeah dog. Yeah.
- I mean, I have no idea.
- Well, you know we obviously have some idea. (laughs)
- I don't.
- Well it's a coochie, baby.
- Yeah. Or something.
- No, no, nah, man.
It's definitely her lady parts. (laughs)
- Or maybe it's just more skin.
- Nope. It's a vagina.
- Yeah. Or maybe it's a little face under there.
- No, no.
It's definitely gonna be a vagina.
- Why?
- Because she's a girl and girls have vaginas, man.
- What is that?
- What is a vagina?
It's a woman's reproductive organ.
Are you being serious right now?
(suspenseful orchestral swell)
- Thank you.
That is all I require.
(thudding)
(magic whooshing)
- Oh!
There's aliens.
There's a alien down there.
(beatboxing)
(crowd cheering)
(slow R&B)
£ You know that I been waiting £
£ Had this feeling for so long £
£ And it feels so right baby £
£ How could this feeling be wrong? £
£ Sometimes the thing that you been searching for £
£ Has been right there the whole time £
£ So baby I'm here to tell ya £
£ I'm waiting right here just to make you all mine £
£ You £
£ You're the one I always hoped for £
£ You £
£ It's a feeling I can't hide £
£ You £
£ And I always been here baby £
£ Standing right here by your side £
£ Yeah, it's been building up inside of me £
£ And I just gotta come out £
£ And tell you what I'm feeling, girl £
£ Tell you our love is what I'm talking about £
£ I gotta tell you what my heart knows £
£ What it has known for so long £
£ I finally need to show you £
£ My arms are wide open that's where you belong £
£ You £
£ You know I'd make love to you gently £
£ You £
£ The way I've seen it in my mind £
£ You £
£ I will take care of you and baby £
£ There ain't no rush baby, let's take our sweet time £
£ I'll do it to you slow the way you never done before £
£ Open up your mind, I will open up your door £
£ I've been searching all around for the one I can call mine £
£ Sometimes the thing you're searching for £
£ Has been there the whole time £
£ You £
£ I wanna give you all I got now £
£ You £
£ And I'll take all you can give £
£ You £
£ And I'll never turn my back on you £
£ As long as we both shall live £
£ I'm talking 'bout you £
£ You, standing right in front of you £
£ You £
£ Woo. Nothing left to hide £
£ You £
£ Sugar, said I'm telling you everything £
£ I've kept buried deep inside £
£ I'm rubbing up against your big bald head £
£ Your big bald head £
£ I said your big bald head £
£ Na, na, na there's no one else £
£ I could be possibly talking about £
£ Cause you are bald and you are here £
(slow R&B music)
£ You £
£ You're a woman I'm a man now £
£ You £
£ And you know that's how I like it £
£ You £
£ Am I specifically talking 'bout you £
£ Because you're a girl and I am the opposite £
£ You £
£ Woman, woman, woman, woman, woman £
£ You £
£ You are a woman, I am a man £
£ You £
£ You know I like women £
£ You £
£ Because I am a man £
£ You £
£ Never liked a man in my life before £
£ You £
£ And I don't like one now £
(transition whooshes)
- Hey, have you ever found yourself
in High Point, North Carolina and not feeling safe?
Come on down to Doug Duggart's Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
You will learn to tackle and grapple.
(gong rings)
Like an ultimate fighting pro.
In my studio you get hands on training.
(girl thuds)
And individual attention. (grunts)
Tackle and grapple.
Take on multiple enemies.
This is a tackle.
That's a grapple.
This is a tackle.
That's a grapple.
There we are. (grunts)
Tackle and grapple.
All ages.
Learn to protect yourself and your loved ones.
(upbeat synth music)
Tack and grapple.
There are many different levels.
There's the beginner level.
And if you pass my private one on one sensai trial,
you may make it into the advanced class.
Tack and grapple.
Doug Duggart's Brazilian Jiu Jitsu,
at the High Point Mini Mall.
Just east of the Pizza Barn,
two doors down from Kyle's Discount Wheels and Furniture.
Tackle, get there. (grunts)
Get down there. (grunts)
No stay away.
Special discounts for college students.
Move it, get your leg down.
(gong rings)
Get your leg down.
(transition whooshes)
(man sniffing)
- No, let me through c'mon.
This is (beep) Gene.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
What's the matter Rich?
- In the next episode, Steve Urkel turns Carl
into a giant sandwich and accidentally eats him!
- (laughs) Wait that's hilarious. Buddy it's hilarious.
- Come on, I'm an actor Gene!
This was supposed to be about me and my family.
- I know.
But after that first guest spot with Steve Urkel,
America fell in love with him, man.
We had to make him a regular.
Hey, listen he's the star of the show now, sweetheart.
We gotta play ball bubala.
- Don't you dare bubala me, Gene!
Now last week, Steve used his transformation machine
to turn Carl into a car and drive him
around the Monaco Grand Prix.
Come on!
How many times we going to use this transformation machine?
This was supposed to be a blue collar Cosby Show.
Now you turning it into Quantum Leap!
Who writes this (beep)?
- I couldn't tell you even if I wanted to. Okay?
We got like 21 writers up there. Okay?
You know what I'm saying Reginald?
But you and I both know that
they don't decide what happens in the show. Okay?
We both know who decides what happens in the show. (laughs)
- Two weeks ago, Steve Urkel used his invisibility ray
on Carl and I wasn't even in the goddamn episode!
It was just my voice!
- Yes. I know.
I know Reg and I'm sorry.
I (beep) apologize. It'll never happen again.
- Then Steve used his voice changing ray
to turn Carl into a high pitched nerdy voice!
Who do you think provided the voice for that?
- Don't get too feisty on me now Reg!
Let's not go down that path. Okay?
- Oh, we are going down that path, Gene!
In a couple of weeks Harriet, Eddie, Laura, grandma,
Aunt Rachel, Little Richie and the other little kid
are gonna get teleported to another dimension!
And then Steve injects Carl with his own DNA!
So Carl turns into another Steve Urkel!
That's two Steve Urkels and no family
on a show called Family Matters!
How the (beep) does that work?
- Listen Reg, I don't know what to tell you.
Urkel mania is unstoppable. Okay?
He's a phenomenon.
There's nothing we can do about it. Okay?
It's up to...
Him.
- No, no, no, no, no!
I'm an actor!
I'm a (beep) actor!
I am a real actor!
I did Richard III!
I was in True West with Sherman Hemsley!
I was in Diehard dammit!
(beep) Steve Urkel!
- (beep) You will suck Steve Urkel's (beep)
if he wants you to!
You will suck his (beep) (beep)! Do you understand?
He is our bread and butter, you mother (beep)!
I am high on cocaine!
- I'm (beep) actor Gene!
I done more cocaine than you weigh mother (beep)!
- I'm gonna tell you what you are Reginald VelJohnson!
You're a (beep) pawn in that nerd's game!
You are a (beep) pawn!
Do you think I have any power over what that monster does?
Any power at all?
(Reginald screams)
I am the senior vice president of development for the...
(Gene gasps)
- Gene?
Gene?
Gene? What's become of you Gene?
(orchestra swelling)
- I am nothing.
- Gene. I don't know what you mean by that, Gene.
But you're scaring me.
(thud)
No, no don't do anything crazy, Gene.
Everyone does too much coke sometimes.
What are you gonna do with the gun, Gene?
What are you gonna do?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We can talk this through.
(gun cocks)
Oh, okay.
- The king is dead.
Long live the king.
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
(gunshot)
(Reginald gasps)
(door creaks)
- Did I do that?
(ominous music)
- Jaleel?
- Jaleel? There is no Jaleel. Only Steve.
It's always been Steve.
- Yippee ki-yay mother (beep)! (groans)
- Forgetting something, Carl?
- Don't you come near me.
Stay away from me. You hear?
- Could have all been so simple, Carl.
Just say your lines and take the money.
- You monster.
(Reginald pants)
(ominous music)
What are you doing?
I can't control.
- Am I doing this?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Steve, I'll do anything.
- You do what I want on Family Matters.
- Yes. Oh, of course Steve.
(ominous music)
- See you on set Carl
- Get out of my house Steve!
(ominous music)
(transition whooses)
(eagle cries)
(suspenseful electronic music)
(bones cracking)
(body thuds)
(dramatic electronic music)
(logo whooses)
- [Man on Radio] All units status check.
- Front of house is clear.
Huh? Did you hear that?
(guns cock)
Must have been nothing.
(suspenseful electronic music)
(bones cracking)
(body thuds)
- Back patio's clear.
(bones cracking)
(man grunts)
(bones cracking)
(suspenseful electronic music)
(bones cracking)
(body thuds)
(laughter)
(birds singing)
- Yes.
(water splashing)
(Carol gasps)
(birds singing)
(frisbee whooshes)
- Now it's my turn to play.
(dramatic music)
(finger snaps)
(guns cock)
(women screaming)
(guns cock)
(Carol gasps)
(Teague grunts)
(bones crack)
(bodies thud)
(Carol moans)
(Teague laughs)
- Carol.
(gun cocks)
- Teague!
- I thought I killed you the first time Mr. Teague.
I promise I will not make the same mistake twice.
(fists thud)
(groans)
- Oh, you are a good cop Mr. Teague.
But a lousy fighter.
(fists thud) (Teague grunts)
- No!
Teague.
(groaning)
- Oh snap, Mr. Teague.
(bones cracking)
(body thuds)
- Snap, indeed.
(cheerful music)
(Carol moans)
- Teague, you saved my life.
- No, Carol.
You saved mine.
(heavy breathing)
(romantic music)
(bones cracking)
(Teague gasps)
- Oh (beep).
Oh (beep).
(bones cracking)
Let's just...
(bones crack)
(dramatic music)
(upbeat acapella music)