Hello I m Darren Magee and the topic for today s video comes from questions asking if I would
outline some of the common characteristics and behaviours of a narcissistic adult child. When
it comes to talking about narcissistic families, this isn't always an easy topic to cover. It can
be difficult enough when it's the parent who is the narcissist. The very person who was supposed
to love you, care for you, nurture you, guide you, is the very person who hurts you. Or having
a narcissistic brother or sister, someone you've had maybe a lifelong close relationship with is
the very person who goes out of their way to hurt you. Sometimes out of envy or vindictiveness,
or maybe just for their own gratification. But the thing about being a parent is you never stop being
a parent. It doesn't matter what age the kids are, you never stopped loving them, worrying about
them, caring about them. Wanting the best for them and it can be heart breaking for a parent to be
bullied, manipulated, used and abused, sometimes thrown under the bus by one of their own children.
And it is only natural for a parent to blame themselves for how the child ended up. So
they tried to fix them. They try to rescue them, make them a better person, but usually
to no avail. Now how or why people end up as narcissists is maybe a topic for another day,
but it's not uncommon that maybe one of the parents could have been a narcissist themselves,
and if that's the case quite often they teach the children to disrespect the other parent. However,
even when that is the case, if there are two or more children, maybe only one of the kids
becomes a narcissist, the others don't, and this further adds to the confusion. But regardless of
the reason for the sake of this video I'm going to talk about an adult child who's narcissistic and a
parent, or indeed other family members who aren't. So just as a reminder the common characteristics
of narcissism include a huge sense of entitlement. There is a lack of empathy for other people. They
can be exploitative and manipulative. They can be highly disagreeable and highly resistant to
any form of criticism. And these characteristics would be long term, consistent and pervasive,
not just once in a while. So the common characteristics and behaviours of an adult
narcissistic child would first of all be at a low level, maybe they only see the parents whenever
they want something. Other than that, there's no contact, no phone calls, text messages,
or just calling round. They see the parents as a resource. With that sense of entitlement,
they don't have to earn or reciprocate anything. It is theirs by right. With narcissism we often
see is its other people's responsibility to make them happy. To narcissistic child,
it is a parents job to give them what they want. Now what others might consider to be cute stories
of something someone did or said whenever they were a child, to a narcissist they might consider
these things to be embarrassing or insulting. Narcissists have this need to be seen as flawless
and perfect. So struggle to be seen as anything less, even if it's just a harmless, innocent or
even a cute anecdote of when they were five years of age. Now with all narcissists, they might not
act narcissistically in front of other people. They might come across as caring, well mannered,
concerned for the parents well-being and happiness. They are dutiful and they are
respectful. It's when no one is looking that the narcissism presents itself. Here we often see the
manipulative side of narcissism. Presenting a public face to hide the real face. Next,
they blame the parents for all of their misery, all of their shortcomings. Everything that goes
or has went wrong in their lives. They will blame the school that they were made to go to, the area
they lived in, their failed relationships, failed business schemes, their unsatisfactory job or
situation they find themselves in. It is all the parents fault. Even in their own relationships
with their partners they could be blaming the parents for their behaviour, for how they are
treating their partners. With narcissism we also see a sense of superiority. They know more about
everything than anyone else. Parents are perhaps not equipped to deal with this modern world. They
don't understand technology properly. The narcissistic child must be consulted about
everything. Where there is any kind of contention between them and someone else, especially maybe
the other siblings, they will demand the parents sort it out. They will demand the parents side
with them. Claim they re being treated unfairly. Or there some kind of unfair disadvantage. They
will demand the parents sort out the problems, get an apology for them, or cut contact with the other
kids. They might use the parents to triangulate the other siblings. Carry messages for them,
punish or spy on their brothers and sisters. Try to recruit their parents as flying monkeys. With
narcissism we also see envy and cruelty. So there could be unkind comments, insults. Now
if the parents are retired, maybe comfortably retired, if their siblings are reasonably happy,
well off, successful, there could be bitterness and resentment regardless of their own status.
Narcissists have a need to be admired. No one really admires them if they're happy or reasonably
successful as well. And also they're not so good with boundaries or not so good with words like no.
No can bring outrage so they maybe threaten the grandparents from seeing their own grandchildren
if they don't comply. Or perhaps they re asking for money and the parents say no. They might guilt
trip their parents with things like, Well then your grandchildren aren't going to eat this week
Or, We're all going to be made homeless, and it will be all your fault. In some cases, as parents
get older, become more frail, a narcissistic child might want more control over their finances and
assets. Perhaps demand that things be signed into their names. But maybe freeze the other children
out. Now they might claim that they're the only ones looking after the parents. They have the
parents the best interest at heart. The other kids don't care. It is the other kids who are trying to
control and manipulate. So they claim they are trying to protect the parents best interests.
Again, with narcissism, we rarely see things like fair play or negotiation. Things are never
really shared out or divided equally. They either wanted all or they want the lion's
share. Now whether that s attention, money, inheritance, babysitting time, whatever. We
see mixture of things like the competitive nature, the envy, being disagreeable. Again,
believing they deserve more than everyone else. But again might claim that they behave this way to
protect the parents from others, from their greed or behave as if the parents owe them something.
In some extreme cases, that can be what s known as elder abuse, and this can involve
controlling and exploiting the parents, using up all their money, their resources,
just for their own lifestyle or their own hair brained schemes. They create division to isolate
their parents from other family members. And as I said earlier, if someone has a child or children
who behave like this, it can be heart breaking. It is only natural that people are going to question,
perhaps even blame themselves do what they can to help an adult narcissistic child. Trying to make
them see the impact of their behaviour, trying to reason with them. Might even find themselves
making excuses for that narcissistic behaviour to other people who they hurt as well. I'm not saying
that people with narcissistic traits can t be helped. It is a spectrum, there are many different
levels and different ways in which it can manifest itself. But sometimes there is a point,
there is a point at which there is no reasoning. They can't be helped, they won't be helped. They
believe they are fine as they are. It is everyone else's fault. And regardless of the relationship,
sometimes the more someone tries to help a narcissist, the more they do the more they
try to pacify them, the more they give they're actually enabling them. They are feeding that
sense of entitlement. They're feeding that belief that they don't have to take any responsibility.
They are showing them their toxic behaviour works. Sad truth is about narcissism, the more you give,
the more they demand. But it's never enough. Now if you have a narcissistic son or daughter
I would invite you to think about speaking to a mental health professional, someone who could
help you to understand and manage the impact of that behaviour and to implement boundaries.
Keep a hold of and don't lose whatever social support network you might have. And if you find
yourself being bullied, exploited, abused, maybe consider seeking professional advice from whatever
services are in your area that can advise you. But if you found this video interesting if you
find it helpful please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time, thanks for watching.