-I don't usually dive into heavy news topics,
but I do think every now and then
we need to check in with what's going on in the world.
-Hmm. -That's why we're gonna do
a segment we're calling "Sad News."
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ "Taps" plays ]
[ Laughter ]
So cute.
So, with the help of my two lovely guests, Jim and Antoni,
we're going to read some absolutely real headlines.
And please, prepare yourself,
because these are really very sad.
[ Clears throat ] Queue the music, please.
♪♪
Sad news. In Maryland, a dead goose
fell out of the sky
and knocked a hunter unconscious.
[ Laughter ]
-Sad news.
A woman in California had a dream
that she ate her engagement ring.
[ Laughter ]
And she woke up to find...
she had eaten her engagement ring.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Clears throat ]
Sad news.
A bull insemination facility caught on fire,
resulting in a massive explosion of semen.
[ Laughter ]
-Sad news. [ Laughter ]
A mouse launched itself into a deep fryer
at a Texas fast-food restaurant.
That's really sad.
[ Laughter ]
-Sad news.
The mayor of a New England town
opened up a 50-year-old time capsule,
and it was filled with nothing.
[ Laughter ]
Said the town mayor, "It was a big disappointment.
We were all excited about it."
[ Laughter ]
-Sad news.
The cylinders of pressurized bull semen
were very, very full of semen. [ Laughter ]
So firefighters at the scene
had to dodge projectile semen missiles."
[ Laughter ]
-Delicious. [ Laughter ]
-[ Clears throat ]
Sad news.
A man cooked a pork chop that looked like Freddie Mercury.
[ Laughter ]
Then he ate it.
[ Laughter ]
-That must have been a great pork chop.
[ Laughter ]
Sad news.
An airporn work-- An airport worker --
[ Laughter ]
Or an air porn worker.
[ Laughter ]
An airport worker was fired for giving a traveler
a note that said "You're ugly."
[ Laughter ]
By the way, I'm not that ugly.
[ Laughter ]
-Sad news. In a Virginia town,
250 escaped pigs were lured back to their pens
with a trail of hot dog buns.
[ Laughter, audience "Awws" ]
-And, finally, sad news.
A Florida toilet exploded
after the septic tank was struck by lightning.
[ Laughter ]
-That's very sad. -I know.
-Devastating.
-This has been "Sad News"! [ Cheers and applause ]