FOLKS, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU KNOW, WE DON'T TALK ABOUT INTERNATIONAL STORIES A LO
ON THIS SHOW, BUT YOU SEE THE NEWS.
IT'S A DANGEROUS WORLD, AND EVERY DAY, TENSIONS ARE RISING
BETWEEN THE UNITED STATES AND OUR SWORN ENEMY, CANADA.
COLD MEXICO.
THE GREAT WHITE NORTH KOREA.
LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT TRUMP HELD A MEETING WITH CONSERVATIVE
MEDIA OUTLETS-- IT'S HIS VERSION OF COMIC-CON-- AND HE
ANNOUNCED THAT "WE'RE GOING TO BE PUTTING A 20% TAX ON SOFTWOOD
LUMBER COMING IN-- TARIFF ON SOFTWOOD COMING INTO THE UNITED
STATES FROM CANADA."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, AS FAR FAR AS I KNOW, THIS
IS THE FIRST TIME ANYONE HAS REJECTED JUSTIN TRUDEAU'S WOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: SUCH A NICE GUY.
SUCH A NICE GUY.
THAT'S THE RUMOR.
AFTER THE COMMERCE DEPARTMENT CONFIRMED IT YESTERDAY, CANADA'S
MINISTER OF NATURAL RESOURCES FIRED BACK, SAYING, "THE
GOVERNMENT OF CANADA DISAGREES STRONGLY WITH THE U.S.
DEPARTMENT OF COMMERCE'S DECISION TO IMPOSE AN UNFAIR AND
PUNITIVE DUTY."
( LAUGHTER ) DISAGREE STRONGLY!
THEM'S FIGHTIN' WORDS.
THAT'S CANADIAN FOR (BLEEP)!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE IT IS.
THERE IT IS.
NOW, FOR THOSE KEEPING SCORE, TRUMP IS NOW A FRIEND OF PUTIN
AND AN ENEMY OF POUTINE.
( LAUGHTER ) FOR YEARS, THE UNITED STATES HAS
CLAIMED THAT CANADA UNFAIRLY SUBSIDIZES THEIR LUMBER
INDUSTRY, BUT TENSIONS HAVE NEVER HIGHER.
AND LIKE ANY CRISIS INVOLVING SOFT WOOD, THE ONLY WAY TO
RESOLVE IT IS TO GET TRUMP AND TRUDEAU INTO OUTDOOR BATHTUBS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RUB-A-DUB.
>> Stephen: I'VE NEVER-- THOSE CIALIS COMMERCIALS, I'VE NEVER
BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE OUT WHY THEY'RE IN THE BATH TUBS.
ARE THEY IN THE BATH TUBS BECAUSE WHAT THEY'VE DONE JUST
NOW IS SO DIRTY THAT THEY WANT TO WASH, OR WHAT THEY'RE ABOUT
TO DO IS SO FREAKY, THEY WANT TO BE SQUEAKY CLEAN?
( LAUGHTER ) EITHER WAY, DON'T DO IT.
NOW, LAST NIGHT-- WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THE CANADA THING?
LAST NIGHT, TRUMP ALSO TOLD THE CONSERVATIVE MEDIA, "WE'RE GOING
TO START DOING LUMBER IN OUR COUNTRY.
IT'S GOING TO MEAN THAT FARMERS ARE GOING TO START SELLING MILK
IN OUR COUNTRY."
( LAUGHTER ) EXPLAINS WHY TRUMP WAS KICKED
OUT OF BOY SCOUTS FOR TRYING TO MILK A SYCAMORE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THAT'S-- THAT'S-- SO THAT'S
DONALD TRUMP ON THE INTERNATIONAL STAGE.
RARE, BECAUSE SINCE BECOMING PRESIDENT, DONALD TRUMP HAS NOT
LEFT THE COUNTRY.
HE'S BARELY LEFT THE COUNTRY CLUB.
BUT TODAY, TRUMP SENT IVANKA TO BERLIN TO PARTICIPATE IN A
WOMEN'S CONFERENCE, MAKING HER THE FIRST TRUMP TO ATTEND A
WOMEN'S CONFERENCE THAT DIDN'T INCLUDE A SWIMSUIT COMPETITION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ THIS MORNING, IVANKA SPOKE ON A
PANEL TITLED, "INSPIRING WOMEN: SCALING UP WOMEN'S
ENTREPRENEURSHIP."
AND THE TRUMP FAMILY HAS A LONG HISTORY OF INSPIRING WOMEN--
TO MARCH, TO SUE, TO FLEE FROM A DRESSING ROOM.
AND IVANKA SHARED HER STORY OF BECOMING A SUCCESSFUL
ENTREPRENEUR.
STEP ONE: BE BORN RICH.
STEP TWO: JUST IN CASE, MARRY RICH.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, WHEN IVANKA
WAS TALKING ABOUT HER FATHER AND HOW HE WAS A CHAMPION OF FAMILY
LEAVE, SHE WAS MET WITH GROANS AND
HISSES FROM THE AUDIENCE.
WELL, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
TRUMP OBVIOUSLY SUPPORTS FAMILY LEAVE.
THAT'S WHY HE'S ALWAYS LEAVING ONE AND STARTING ANOTHER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ IT'S SO HARD TO SAY GONE ♪
>> Stephen: AND THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN GOING WELL FOR IVANKA BACK
STATESIDE.
BECAUSE THEY'VE HAD TROUBLE MOVING IVANKA'S LINE OF
CLOTHING, SO THEY SECRETLY RELABELLED IT AS
ADRIENNE VITTADINI.
THAT'S HOW UNPOPULAR THE NAME "TRUMP" IS.
HER CLOTHING HAS BEEN PUT IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.
THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
IN FACT, THE WHOLE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION COULD BENEFIT
FROM A SIMILAR REBRANDING.
AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THAT.
SO DOES OUR NEW PRESIDENT, ENRICO VITTADINI.
( APPLAUSE ) IMA GONNA MAKE-A AMERICA
GREAT AGAIN.
THAT'S A SPICY BORDER WALL.