How ya go’in?
Today we’re looking at
the rich content landscape of
closed-circuit Television.
It’s a handy invention
for conducting workplace safety reviews.
This footage shows us
ya need to slow the fuck down
when parking ya moped at work.
Everyone is more concerned
for the bike,
rather than the intern
with a severed toe.
This bloke returns home from the pub
to discover an intruder on his verandah.
He punches.
Panics, dodges and weaves.
The intruder keeps buzzing around his face.
They both pause for a minute.
The bloke decides to bring
his shoe into the fray.
He unleashes a big swing.
Misses. Another one.
Dunno if that connected.
Weaving.
A third swing.
BAM!
That fly is outta here.
But Ozzy Man what is the value
of this CCTV footage?
Well, like a pro boxer
this fella is gonna wanna review the footage.
He can see what he did right,
what he did wrong,
and keep learning
how to KO large annoying blowflies.
“Is this number four?
Is this where he lives now?”
“Mum, why are you driving suspiciously?”
“I’m not.
This is how I normally drive.”
“Why are we even here?”
“Yeah, this is the one,
hold on I’m gonna smash
the little golf cart garage!”
“Mum, what the shit!?”
“Let’s reverse and do it again.”
“Aw this is Dad’s house?”
“Yeah, it is.”
“Oh...!”
“Pay ya fucken child support, Derek!
“Why’d ya bring me to see this?
“Ya cheap prick!”
“Can we go?”
“Sure love, let’s do a Fast & Furious
spin out of here.”
“Woah.”
This human is waiting for
the security gate to open.
Alrighty, all clear!
Let’s go!
Off they go.
Okay, well, nothing too exciting
happening there—but what’s going on in the distance?
In flies an impatient wanker with a Porshe
who decides waiting 30 seconds is worse
than fucking up the car.
And the gate.
It’s pretty satisfying when
CCTV captures dumb arse shit like this.
Here’s another debacle
with an inanimate security object.
I get it,
some days the world feels over surveilled
with too many rules.
“Exit only my arse!”
Says this guy.
“I’m not gonna let the government
decide where I can
and can’t exit.
I’m not a SHEEP!
Oh, g’day officer!
Yeah, I was gonna pay,
I just, I blame the media, heh.”
And whammy!
That’s how this guy deals
with boom gates.
He lets them hit the missus in the face.
He does a spinny fucken wheely
for no reason!
The missus is like
“FFS, you’re not Tom Cruise.”
Valid comment!
Off to the pub I gooo...
off to the pub I go!
I’m an airport baggage handler
going to the pub!
I’m gonna drink—I’m gonna drink—
FUCK, LOOK OUT.
OW!
Bloody hell, Tim!”
“Sorry, you reckon this will be on camera?”
“Of course it's on camera motherfucker,
we work at an airport.”
Elevator CCTV is a very honest
and confronting window
into human behavior.
Make no mistake if you’re in an elevator,
you’re on camera,
like in the airport.
Don’t let that false sense of isolation
fool you,
like it has this little dickhead,
who thinks it’s a funny idea
to piss all over the buttons,
like he's in private,
no one's watching him.
Piss all over the buttons.
He goes right up to the top,
down the bottom.
Fuck me! You know what else
elevators have inside of them,
besides cameras and little dickheads?
Electricity, mate!
Maybe pissing on the OPEN DOOR button
wasn’t the best prestige
for your trick.
Look at the buttons, flickering,
and the lights are off now.
You stuck!
Let’s keep this elevator energy going.
I suppose it makes sense
to use an elevator
to move a large pane of glass,
if this is a tall apartment building
which I assume it is,
that’s a lot of stairs to walk down.
So yeah nah nah nah nah
you'd use the elevator.
But you might wanna do two things differently:
1- measure the depth of the elevator
versus the length of the glass,
and 2-
whoever’s job it is
to keep your finger on the Open door button,
make sure they do their fucking job.
Smash…
Ahh, I reckon that's broken.
And they've got no one to blame
but themselves.
Or maybe they can blame,
that little dickhead
there was pissing on the buttons.
In fact, I kinda wanna blame everything
wrong in the world,
on the little button pissing dickhead.