- I just hope
to be half as entertaining as Jonno, okay.
(upbeat music)
Welcome to Mended Light, I'm Alicia Decker,
CEO and co-founder, and this is how to overcome
fear of dating after divorce.
My advice don't do it, just don't don't date.
No, I'm just kidding.
Let's get real, let's be serious.
Let's talk about divorce, divorce is hard.
Divorce is miserable, I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
So here's the thing. I mean, if you've been divorced,
you know that, even if it's the right thing for you,
even if it's the right thing for your children,
if children are involved, divorce is challenging.
And sometimes you're in a situation where divorce
is the answer, it's the right thing to do.
It is the path that you need to walk.
It doesn't change the fact of how challenging it is.
And then you get divorced and you're lonely
and you're sad and you're heartbroken
and you don't wanna be alone,
but you don't wanna go through the potential trauma
of what you just went through.
And what about your kids and what are they gonna think?
And your family and your friends,
there is so much, no wonder it can be traumatizing.
So how do you get through the fears
that your future could potentially,
or will potentially just look
like the past that you got out of, right.
'Cause that fear is always there.
There's always a fear of repeating it
or of having different traumas or harder things, right?
How do you have the life that you've always hoped for,
but you don't even know is possible?
So here's some guidelines.
I know not all of them are gonna be a fit for everyone,
and we all have our individual challenges,
but I know these will be helpful along the way.
So here's the thing.
Don't rush yourself into doing something
that you're not ready for.
If you are not ready to date, that is okay,
let go of the shuds, let go of the judgment,
let go of what you think you need to be doing
and do the things which feed your soul.
So, so often in divorce and in marriage, there's so much,
there's so much of taking care of other people.
There's so much of trying to meet needs.
And so often, especially in divorce,
there's financial strain, right?
Don't add one more thing to your plate until you're ready,
do not push yourself into something
you think you should be doing
and give yourself time and space
and don't do it until you're ready to, okay.
So for example, for me, after my second divorce,
I was never getting remarried at all, and for that matter,
after my first divorce, I was in no rush either.
And so I spent a lot of time with my brother who was single
and it's like, he became
my little like security blanket, right?
Because I wanted to go out and do things
or I wanted to go get lunch,
but I didn't wanna go by myself,
but I didn't want it to be a dating situation.
And it was hilarious because people around town,
it was a small town,
like that didn't know that was my brother.
It would get back to my former spouse
that I was dating this guy all the time.
And he had a motorcycle,
but it just turned out to be my brother, not creepy.
- Hey bro.
- But don't rush into something that you're not ready to do.
Get a brother, get a sister, get a best friend,
have someone who's going to be your buddy.
And it doesn't need to look like dating,
which takes me to my second point.
When you are ready to start dating again,
do it in a form and a fashion that works for you.
Maybe you're comfortable with just going out on group dates.
Maybe you're comfortable with just meeting people
for coffee, do it in a way that works for you.
It doesn't need to look like a certain thing.
So when you're ready, take the smallest step forward
that you can possibly take without falling.
Maybe it looks like coffee dates.
Maybe it looks like group dates, like I said.
I had a very, very strict policy
when I started dating again,
is I wasn't ready to be serious
with anyone maybe ever again, right.
And so I never went on more than two dates with a person
because I wasn't ready for it to be serious.
And I also didn't want the stress of wondering
if I was leading them on or they thought
this was going somewhere when it wasn't,
'cause they couldn't possibly understand
everything that I had been through, also,
I had a son and so I wasn't ready
to have him even be aware that I was dating.
And so I only dated when he was with his dad or he was out
of town or he was gone somewhere, right.
Because my dating life did not overlap
with my parenting life.
And that's what worked for me.
And so you need to get clear on what works for you
and only do what you're comfortable with,
taking these tiny steps forward
when you are starting to date again
will help you address those fears,
will help you confront those fears,
but recognize that it's not a one and done thing.
So you're not going to just get to a certain point
in your dating relationship or even like engagement
and married, where those fears just go away.
Like if you've experienced a decent amount of trauma
in your past relationships,
that stuff stays with you, it always stays
in the back of your mind of like, yeah,
I think they're a good person, but what if?
Like, I think they're an honest person, but what if?
Like, I think they're this, but what if they're not?
And they really have like
this whole other part of themselves
that they're hiding from me,
I've never experienced any of that,
so I wouldn't know, kidding, kidding.
Recognize that as you take these steps forward
to confront and address those fears,
you are gonna learn, you are gonna grow.
You are going to create new experiences in your life
and new realities and you will be able
to release those old experiences
and create a new reality, right?
Because we have to believe it's possible
to have a healthy relationship.
We have to believe that good and healthy partners
and spouses are out there, right?
And so we need to take these initial steps,
but those fears will come up again and again,
and there's no reason to put judgment into those fears.
There's no reason to spiral into a place of hopelessness
or being lost or anything like that.
Like recognize that those fears are going to come up.
So I have a funny story around this one, right?
So I was never getting remarried again.
We visited that and it turns out that I met someone
and we became friends and he lived across the country.
So that was safe, safe.
And we were friends for quite a while.
And then we started dating long distance, and then,
you know, we moved into this place of engagement.
So I was picking him up one time from the airport.
I had a lot going on professionally and in my career.
And of course I had my son and all those things.
And I didn't even recognize
that like I was in a fearful place
or I had any insecurities going on.
And I'm a pretty conscious person I would say.
I'm pretty well aware of like what I'm thinking
and feeling and what's going on for me.
And so I go to pick him up from the airport
and I kid you not, we're still living
across the country from each other,
but our marriage date is getting a lot closer.
We're supposed to be doing a lot of like preparation,
wedding preparation stuff.
And I start panicking and I'm waiting for him
to come out the escalators
down to baggage claim and he's not there.
And I had just talked to him and I just been texting to him,
but now he's not answering.
And I try calling him and I'm saying like,
maybe three minutes goes by right.
Three to five minutes and I can't get ahold of him.
And I'm like losing it.
And I don't even know what I thought was happening,
but like three to five minutes had gone by,
I was there to pick him up at baggage claim
and I couldn't get ahold of him.
Well, it turns out he was in the bathroom
and he was changing into a suit
so he would look nice.
♪ Oh no ♪
And at the Vegas airport,
you can get the darndest things from the vending machines.
You can actually get a bouquet of roses
out of the vending machines.
So my husband being the sweet, thoughtful person,
he is, he just flown from across the country.
He couldn't bring flowers with him on the plane very well.
So he had picked up roses
from the vending machine in the lobby.
And then he had gone into the bathroom
to change into his suit.
And he had had the suit for quite a long time.
And so it was kind of small on him and hadn't worn it
for a few years, so the suit didn't actually fit.
Like it was short on the arms and it was short in the legs.
Right, and so his suit's too small for him.
(laughing)
And he couldn't find his colored socks.
So he comes out of the bathroom in a suit
that's too small for him holding vending machine roses.
And I can see his white socks and we're supposed to be going
and getting stuff ready,
doing wedding preparation stuff.
And I lose it on him, lose it.
Where were you?
Why couldn't I get ahold of you?
Like, it's been four and a half minutes
since I talked to you and I didn't know where you were
and it's not like I thought he got hurt.
I was like, I think this is a bad idea.
I think we shouldn't get married
because I couldn't get ahold of you
for four and a half minutes.
And for some reason you gave me roses from a vending machine
and you can't even wear a suit that fits.
And you have white socks on with the suit, I kid you not.
And none of these things, if you know me,
none of these things are things that would upset me.
None of these things are deal breakers.
And so he's like panicking because he's just trying
to be sweet and thoughtful and kind,
and he didn't know that his phone,
he didn't have reception in the bathroom
and that's the only reason I couldn't get ahold of him.
And so we walk out to the car and we sit in my car
and I start to cry and I'm not a crier.
I think maybe this is the first time he's ever seen me cry.
And I just totally break down.
And this is the moment that I realized that all these fears
that I have about dating and potentially getting remarried
and getting hurt all over again,
that's when all these spheres come up
and it wasn't even something that I was aware of.
Now, thankfully to this day,
we joke about me losing it at him for no reason,
because it really had nothing to do with the roses
or his suit or the fact he was wearing white socks, right?
Like it had nothing to do with that.
It had to do with all those fears.
And we had a really powerful,
meaningful conversation about my fears
and concerns moving forward.
And truthfully, I didn't have any fears
or concerns about him.
I trusted him, I trusted his integrity.
I trusted that he was gonna be honest with me.
Like I trusted all those things, but you still have
these fears, these concerns,
these what ifs in the back of your mind of, yeah,
I thought that was all true before and it all fell apart.
And I can't go through that again,
having a person in your life, you know,
whether that's the person that you're dating.
If you get to the point
where you feel comfortable dating someone,
or whether it's a best friend or a therapist
or whoever that might be, having that person your life
that you can talk to those fears about
and can hear and understand them, it makes the darkness,
it makes the aloneness,
it makes all of that go away and it helps you to have hope.
And it also gives you a different perspective.
Like just speaking the words out loud
takes the bite out of our fears.
And if there is something going on that you're not aware of,
and if there is something going on that you're not aware of,
or there is something to be concerned about,
like you can get that safe, trusted person's perspective.
They can let you know, like, okay, yeah.
Maybe that's red flag, yeah,
that's something you should be aware of.
Or they can be like, no, like you're good.
It's a safe person.
So last tool is you're going to need to address
any of the underlying beliefs that aren't serving you.
you have certain beliefs about yourself.
You have certain beliefs about your relationships,
about who you are in a romantic relationship or partnership.
There are certain beliefs
that you're gonna carry with you
from your previous relationships
that aren't gonna serve you.
So for me, one of these really hard, core, deep,
underlying beliefs that I had
when it came to any relationship anywhere
is that I was unlovable, right?
Because there were certain dynamics in my family
of origin that that caused conflict, right.
I have a strong personality type and there was some conflict
because of some of those personality traits.
And then I had gone through two marriages
and it had been rough for a lot of different reasons.
It had been rough.
And so I had this underlying belief that no one
was ever really going to love me for who I was.
And now from the place that I'm at now,
I realized that that's not a true belief.
I call it an incongruent belief.
It's not congruent with who you actually are,
but it is something that you believe.
We have lots of videos that talk about restructuring
your beliefs about yourself.
We're not gonna go into the details of how to do it here,
but check out our channel,
look for some of those videos and pay attention
as you take these steps through getting over your fear
and being in a place
where you feel comfortable dating again,
recognize what in-congruent beliefs pop up for you.
Recognize what untrue beliefs pop up for you
that you know aren't true,
but at the same time, at a core level you believe them.
I just wanna give you a big hug.
As you go through this challenging experience, it is hard.
Some days it is hard.
If you've enjoyed this video, check out our video,
can you be traumatized and not know it?
The answer's yes.
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