- You're going to learn how to apologize the right way.
Many people avoid apologies, or when they try to do it,
their apologies are only half baked.
And then other people get upset about the bad apology,
and it goes around and around like that.
Well, today you're gonna learn
how to apologize the right way, the first time.
I'll show you four talking points in a moment.
But first here are some ground rules
before we get to those steps.
One ground rule
is you only need to apologize if you did something wrong.
Don't apologize just because somebody else is upset,
or because they don't agree.
Be on the lookout for false guilt.
Another rule is to do this face to face if possible,
but you can use these tips in an email or a text.
Now, if you did something wrong,
then it's best to apologize.
It's the first step in making the relationship right again.
And stick around to the end
because I'm going to give you a bonus tip
about the legal implications of apologizing,
even for really serious situations,
and what I say will very likely surprise you.
And of course, get to a place in your head,
in your heart, where you can communicate these steps
that we're gonna cover in a sincere way.
If you apologize in a halfhearted or unclear way,
others will see this as a character flaw.
So apologizing is just as much about honesty,
as it is about the words.
Use these four steps as a checklist.
First, name a mistake, and take full responsibility.
Don't be vague about what you did.
Don't say, "I'm sorry I messed up," name the mistake.
Say, "I promised the client that package,
and I should not have done that
without checking with the team.
It was entirely my mistake."
Here are some other sample leading phrases
that you can use to name the mistake,
and take full responsibility.
"I take full responsibility for," and then name the mistake,
or say what you did specifically,
and then say, "This was my mistake,"
or, "I was wrong to," and then name the mistake.
It's a common oversight
not to say what you did specifically.
And this could be because the person's embarrassed,
and they don't wanna draw more attention
to what they did wrong.
But our apology will seem half-hearted
unless we say what we did directly.
Will Smith for example was really vague.
He used phrases like "my behavior was out of line"
in his written apology.
He never said exactly what he was apologizing for,
and people called him on that.
Another common mistake is to wanna point out little blame
for the other people involved.
And yes, it's true that situations are complex
and there's usually plenty of blame to go around.
But it's your job to apologize for your side.
It's not your job to point out,
oh, the other person also made mistakes.
Lead by example, take the initiative.
And you may be pleasantly surprised
that the other person is more likely
to then apologize for their part.
Second, apologize and express remorse.
As mentioned, apologies have to be genuine.
You have to mean it.
When you say words like, "I apologize," "I'm sorry,"
or "I regret what I did."
Now, this might overlap a little with the first point,
depending upon how you worded that.
But double check to make sure that you're apologizing
and expressing remorse
at least by this point in the conversation.
Here's some sample leading phrases for this talking point.
"I apologize for causing this problem."
"I'm sorry that I handled this poorly."
"Please accept my apology for..."
"I regret the harm my actions have caused, and I am sorry."
"I feel terrible."
And here where you see the ellipses, that ...,
that's where you talk specifically
about the harm that you caused.
Now, some people have a lot of trouble
saying, I'm sorry, I'm wrong, I apologize.
In fact, there's a running joke
on the old show "Happy Days" about the Fonzie,
he was the cool guy played by Henry Winkler.
He could not successfully say the words, I'm sorry
or I was wrong.
So if you have trouble saying those words,
you may still have to swallow your pride a little bit more,
admit to yourself that you're not perfect,
and face the fact that you did make a mistake.
The world's not gonna stop turning
if you say the actual words, "I was wrong."
A common mistake here is that some people
will use words like, I'm sorry or I apologize,
but they'll tinker with the way they say it,
so that it's about something else.
They might say for example,
"I'm sorry that you feel that way,"
or "What happened was regrettable."
That's a phoney apology.
Some of the right words are there, but it doesn't cut it
because you have to apologize for your actions.
Don't dance around it, or change the wording
so it passes by you.
People can see right through that phony,
self-serving type of remorse.
If you made a mistake, own the mistake.
Third, say what you'll do to solve the problem.
Now, not all mistakes can be undone,
but we can at least take some kind of action
to make up for it,
or ensure that the mistake doesn't happen again and again.
It's important that you say
what you'll do about it directly.
So here's some leading phrases
to help you start this talking point.
"It won't happen again."
"Here are the steps I'll be taking."
"I've cleared my calendar today to fix this."
This is an important step that many people miss,
but it's really critical that you do this.
So yes, you've already explained
that you were part of the problem,
and you've cleared the air about that.
This step then explains what you'll do
to be part of this solution moving forward.
And this makes it much easier
for other people to trust you again.
So, if you made a technical error,
explain how you'll be attending a training session
to make sure that you learn to perform this task accurately.
If you hurt somebody's feelings,
then maybe do something nice or do something else
that'll build up goodwill again.
Take some corrective action to make it better.
Fourth, follow through with concrete action.
Taking action is the only real proof.
You can say all the right words,
but if you don't back it up,
if you do it again, it's gonna kill your credibility.
People will believe your actions more than your words.
So here's a real example.
If I say to my son I'll pick you up at 3:00 PM,
but I don't show up, I may apologize
and he may accept my apology in the moment,
but the real proof will be the next time.
So a few days later, if I say, I'll pick you up at 3:00 PM,
and then I follow through and arrive on time,
or a few minutes early,
that's proof that my initial apology was sincere.
I walked my talk, as the expression goes.
My actions then start to rebuild trust again with my son.
So, this is a real situation.
I was pretty late picking him up one time
and it bothered him.
I lost track of time. I apologized and he accepted it.
But it didn't really sink in until I showed up on time
every time after that, my actions backed up my words.
Now, before we wrap up,
here's some bonus information
about the legal implications of apologizing
even for serious situations.
So, first, am I a lawyer? No.
Is this legal advice? Again, no.
This is an illustration
about the power of a sincere apology.
And the bottom line is that apologizing
will almost never be used against you even in a court of law
in any kind of successful way.
Now, I talk about this, 'cause some people are just dead set
against apologizing cause they think
it's gonna somehow be used against them.
But even legally, a good apology is powerful.
So let's say you're a surgeon and you made a serious mistake
on the operating table on a patient.
A sincere apology afterward would make it less likely
that you would be sued,
and the same goals for the full range of missteps
that you could make on the job.
People like apologies.
And by the way, if it does go to court,
judges and juries will like that you apologize
and count it in your favor,
rather than as evidence against you.
And this is just an illustration,
but I wanted to balance out this idea
that's out there to never apologize.
It's a little segment for those naysayers out there
who give terrible advice about this.
Let's look at these four steps again.
The next time you need to apologize,
follow these for your talking points
to make sure that you structure your apology the right way
the first time.
Don't skip any.
Otherwise your apology will come across
as half-hearted or half baked.
And by the way, feel free to post your apology stories
in the comment section below,
I look forward to reading them.
Those can be good, bad, or ugly.
And make sure to look at the description below the video
for free resources that I offer.
Thanks, God bless, and I will see you soon.