Item #: SCP-789-J
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-789-J is kept in my toilet and only i can talk to
it
Description: SCP-789-J is a ghost that is a face.
it lives in a toilet and it talks to you while you poop.
then when you poop it goes "no stop aaaa-" and then stops because there is poop in its
mouth.
SCP-789-J travels around in butts.
you can only get rid of it by wiping.
that is the moral of the story.
sometimes it kills other butts and makes them butt ghosts too.
but it is always lonely because it is a butt ghost.
Addendum: if you fall in the toilet, it eats your butt.
by researcher james, age 11
SCP Foundation tales: That's The Joke
Threat ID: KTE-8544-Porcelain "Butt Gh
Authorized Response Level: 7 (Apocaly
Description: Type-Z8 poltergeist inh capable of travel by inhabiting hu
subdued temporarily by defec taken to avoid falling
Wiping is t ass
I know the thaumaturgists already told us that it wouldn't be susceptible to targeted
metaexposure, but I still maintain that it was worth a shot.
I didn't even need to use the whole page.- Researcher James, age 8.
00:00: Test commences.
Subject instructed to initiate stated protocols.
00:14: Subject reports gastrointestinal distress.
KTE-8544-Porcelain produces characteristic vocalization.
00:23: KTE-8544-Porcelain attempts to replicate via subject's posterior, but is hindered by
testing protocols.
03:19: Subject ceases testing protocols.
KTE-8544-Porcelain observed to be subdued, but active.
Subject instructed to remain on toilet in case protocols must be resumed.
03:41: due to subject's unusually small frame and an oversight in toilet selection.
04:19:
I would have sworn that those cafeteria burritos would do the trick.
Here's hoping they can get the guy a new butt.- Researcher James.
Researcher James was instructed to interview KTE-8544-Porcelain to ascertain information
that could assist in the entity's liquidation.
Researcher James is seen pacing the restroom.
Camera focused on KTE-8544-Porcelain shows the entity in its toilet.
Scene is dramatic.
Researcher James: So.
KTE eight five four four porcelain.
If that is your real name.
Who are you?
KTE-8544-Porcelain: i am the butt ghost!!
RJ: And why should I believe you?
<Slams his hands on the toilet seat and presumably glares at the butt ghost in a threatening
manner.>
BG: im going to eat your butt
RJ: How bizarre.
Why do you eat our butts, butt ghost?
Butts do not equal love, you know.
BG: ffft fart poot poop phbbbt
RJ:
Fascinating, truly fascinating.
You know, despite your rather… prolific history of gluteocidal self-replication, you
seem to be a solitary creature.
Mind telling me why?
BG:
RJ: But of course.
It would only make sense, with you being a butt ghost.
One last thing:
Wiping.
Why does it get rid of you?
Where are the hostages?
BG: im
a butt ghost
RJ:
It all makes sense now!
What else could the moral of the story be?
I've got all I need to go to the presses with this!
Closing statement: Researcher James was grounded for unrelated reasons after the conclusion
of this interview.
He knows he's only allowed one snack in the afternoon.
And by the way, we don't have to make him a Researcher just because only he can talk
to it.- Researcher James's Dad
Test ID: 8544-Porcelain-Gimmel-83
Description: At the recommendation of Sanderson Consulting Partners, a task force was formed
to use victims of KTE-2985-Silver to destroy the butt ghost.
Four infectees were brought to the toilet containing the entity.
The entity was destroyed by repeated exposure to emissions of the infectees.
Question: Is there any reason we couldn't have just used normal lasers?- Researcher
James's Dad
Yes.
The reason is because butts.- Researcher James
KTE-8544-Porcelain: Liquidated.
SCP Foundation tales: An Excerpt from Goodbye Ghost
Act 2, Scene 2:
James: (Crying) But can't they help you in some way?
Butt ghost: There is no cure for butt cancer.
J: But what will I do without you?
BG: James, you've never needed me in the first place
J: What do you mean?
BG: Inside of you lies the power, not me.
I'm only a spirit that haunts the posteriors of mammals.
J: I can't let you go.
BG: You already have.
(Gestures to the framed photo of James with his arm wrapped around a yield sign.)
J: It's not what you think!
BG: No, it's what I know.
J: But butt ghost…
BG: Shh, don't speak.
You've broken my heart enough already.
J: I can't let you go.
BG: You had no trouble letting your other women go!
J: That was years ago, Butt Ghost!
BG: A butt ghost never forgets.
J: You forgot me once.
BG: I had to go soul-searching, James.
J: And what did you find?
BG: I found my spirit place.
The air was still and the water was cool.
I felt a presence.
I turned to look, but no one was there.
I was alone.
The moon overhead gazed down at my prone body.
I felt nothing and everything at once.
And that's when I realized, my people need me.
J: Ankle ghost will be fine.
BG: It's not just Ankle Ghost anymore, James, it's the world.
J: What does that even mean?
BG: They're revoking ghost licenses everywhere now.
J: No!
BG: It's true.
J: But what about your estranged relationship with your brother?
BG: Ghost Butt will either have to get out of my way, or join me.
J: How?
BG: James, you know me too well to question my ability in dealing with these issues.
J: Very well.
I can only hope you don't fail.
BG: Failure is not an option.
J: Good luck.
BG: Thank you.
J: Here take this.
(Passes plunger)
BG: I will not let you down.
J: Goodbye, Butt Ghost.
(Salutes)
BG: Goodbye, James.
(Flushes)
Something even the loneliest man can relate to, Goodbye Ghost brings us to realize our
own mortality and the importance of our relationship with our friends, regardless of corporeality.
- Foundation Tribune
Play of the year.
Period.
- CI Review
Guaranteed to make you both laugh and cry, the Butt Ghost's performance is the best of
the the year, if not the century.
- Time-anomaly Magazine
What the FUCK is this shit?
- O5-7