HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE RIGHT HERE WITH THE LOVELY AND TALENTED MATTHEW
McCONAUGHEY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WANT TO GET BACK TO SOMETHING.
THIS IS A GREAT COMPLIMENT YOU PAID ME.
I DID A SHOW WITH SEVERAL OF MY FRIENDS, JAMIE, PAUL AND THOSE I
USED TO WORK WITH IN THE '90s CALLED "EXIT 57", AND I THINK
MAYBE A BAKER'S DOZEN PEOPLE IN AMERICA WATCHED THAT SHOW IN
'95.
YOU WATCHED THAT SHOW.
YOU ACTUALLY CAME BACKSTAGE AND STARTED QUOTING THAT SHOW TO ME.
>> RELIGIOUSLY WATCHED THAT SHOW.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW THAT SHOW.
>> OH, I KNOW THE SHOW.
( LAUGHTER ) GUYS, IT'S HARD TO FIND BUT IT'S
WORTH THE LOOKING FOR.
IT WAS ON COMEDY CENTRAL 9:30, I BELIEVE SUNDAY NIGHT, '94, '95.
I WOULD GO TO (BLEEP) KEVIN AND GAVIN'S EVERY SUNDAY NIGHT.
WE WOULD ROLL A FUNNY CIGARETTE, SHE WOULD MAKE TURKEY TACOS AND
WE WOULD WATCH "EXIT 57".
IT'S A 30-MINUTE EPISODE.
THAT I HAVE SIX HITS.
TWO OUT OF THE THREE WERE HOME RUN SOCIAL COMMENTARY.
KNOCKOUT STUFF.
I HAVE NOT FOUND ANYTHING -- WHEN YOU GUYS HIT IT, I'VE NOT
FOUND ANYTHING MORE FUNNY SINCE.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S NICE OF YOU TO SAY.
I HAVE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MOSTLY NOT MY WORK.
>> THIS IS STUFF WHERE -- ALL RIGHT, COLBERT HERE, OKAY, THIS
IS THE KIND OF COLDY.
OPEN UP ON NEW YORK CITY, HIGH RISE, HE'S OUT ON HIS PORCH,
77th STREET.
HE'S A WELL-TO-DO STOCKBROKER AND HE COMES HOME, OUT ON THE
PORCH BY HIMSELF, HE'S HAVING DIALOGUE WITH HIMSELF, LOOKING
AT THE LIGHTS OF NEW YORK CITY REALLY TAKING HIS TIME.
AND HIS WIFE SHOWS UP PLAYED BY AMY SEDARIS.
SHE WALKS IN.
HE DOESN'T SEE HER.
SHE HESITATES BECAUSE SHE KNOWS HE LIKES "HIS TIME."
SHE DECIDES TO COME UP AND PUT A SOFT HAND ON HIS SHOULDER.
AS HE DOES -- AS SHE DOES, HE SNAPS A SECOND.
SHE SAYS, I'M SORRY.
HE SAYS, NO, I'M SORRY, I'M NOT PUSHING YOU AWAY, I'M PULLING ME
CLOSER TO MYSELF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GREAT STUFF.
>> Stephen: WELL, HERE'S THE THING, WE LIKE TO DO BITS WITH
OUR GUESTS SOMETIMES.
WE WROTE "SEXY SOUTHERN LAWYERS" BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, TIME TO KILL,
LINCOLN LAWYER, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A SEXY SOUTHERN LAWYER FOR
A JUDGE.
>> THAT WOULD BE GOOD.
>> Stephen: BUT THEN YOU SAID COULD WE DO A SCENE ABOUT TWO
GUYS THAT WORK IN A NEWSPAPER.
I DIDN'T REMEMBER THE SCENE.
THIS IS THE BEGINNING TO HAVE THE SCENE.
>> JUST WHAT THE HELL KIND OF PAPER YOU THINK YOU'RE RUNNING
AROUND HERE?
>> YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR MOUTH, MERKIN.
YOU'RE ALREADY AT THE TOP OF MY PISS LIST.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SO, THERE I AM AT
ABOUT AGE 14, I THINK, AND I DIDN'T REMEMBER THE SCENE AT ALL
BECAUSE IT HAD BEEN SO LONG AGO, WE HAD WRITTEN SO MANY THINGS
SINCE, BUT PAUL FOUND AN OLD VHS OF THAT SHOW, AND WE TRANSCRIBED
THE TAPE, AND WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO THAT SKETCH?
>> YES!
I WOULD LOVE TO, MAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS MY FAVORITE SKIT OF ALL
THE YEARS OF "EXIT 57", AND I'VE SEEN THEM ALL MANY TIMES.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE SKIT.
AS YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY CALLED SOMEBODY MERKIN.
ME AND MY BUDDY JOHN, I TURNED HIM ON TO THIS.
WE LOVED THE SKIT SO MUCH I CALL HIM MERK AND HE CALLS ME MERKIN.
WE DID THIS FOR YEARS.
ONE DAY HE SAID MERKIN WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST?
I SAID, TWO EGGS AND TOAST.
HE SAID, I GOT, I SAID THANK YOU MERKIN.
SOMEBODY SAID, WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM?
MERKIN, A SKIT.
HE SAID, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
A PUBIC WIG.
( LAUGHTER ) SO WE STILL CALL EACH OTHER
THAT.
>> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL MAKE MATTHEW
McCONAUGHEY'S DREAM COME TRUE.
STICK AROUND.