Hey, everyone.
My name's Jim Gaffigan,
and it's time to ask a comedian.
They didn't have one, so I'll deal with the questions.
What weird rituals do I need to do
before I go on stage?
I'm somebody who's relatively low energy,
so I have to focus
on getting my energy up.
And that comes through
amphetamines, uppers,
non downers, super uppers.
Whatever the Sackler family gives me.
Sorry after an entire hour of work
I want to unwind with a burger and a crack pipe.
What was the first role I ever auditioned for?
It was to be a pizza delivery guy
who meets a lonely housewife.
I probably got that because of my body.
I can't control who I turn on at this point.
The first thing I ever auditioned for.
Oh my gosh.
I think it was a commercial.
I auditioned for a lot of commercials.
So the first commercial I did
was this commercial for Moviefone.
There was this thing called Moviefone
back, way before,
Netflix was just a twinkle in Ted Sarandos' mind at that point.
Or his eye.
That sounded inappropriate.
The pandemic is like a TV show you saw thought was canceled
and then it got picked up by Netflix.
The strangest place I've ever performed comedy.
Performed at a rodeo. Like at the rodeo.
There were bulls, and people being bucked, or whatever.
I've done an Orthodox Jewish restaurant
where there was a list of words that I couldn't say.
"Oh, I can't say tuchus."
Well, you know, half my act is tuchus.
But that's almost kind of the fun of it,
as a comedian,
is these strange environments.
And then you attempt to control it
because you want to limit the odds
of you just looking like a fool.
What song do I like to walk out to?
So I always walk out to "Empire State" by Jay-Z.
You know, my friend.
Alicia Keys, former girlfriend.
But no, I actually used to walk out to it
when it was a new song.
And now it's kind of like a throwback.
It's weird if I was like,
"I walk out to Happy Birthday."
That would be weird.
Happy birthday to you.
What's a movie you pretend you've seen
but you've never seen?
That's kind of implying that I'm a liar.
But yeah, I do lie a lot.
I've never seen "Gone with the Wind."
I've never seen "The Big Lebowski."
"Million Dollar Baby," I never saw.
If I'm working with someone, I won't lie,
but I'll kind of act like I've seen most of their stuff.
Everyone in the entertainment industry
tells you, "I'm a big fan,"
and they're all lying.
You know what happens when you go out to dinner?
I don't want to brag, but I've been out to dinner.
The waiter, what they always do when they put down the check,
that's when they say, "I'm a big fan."
"I'm a big fan."
Implying you better tip.
I'll give them a full nickel sometimes.
Is there a joke I do
that I love that the audience never...
Well, I feel that way about a lot of my jokes.
Jim, that joke's scary.
The newest joke is usually something that I have a strong affection for,
but if they're not going over, they're not going over.
So finding a balance of what I want
and what other people want.
Really, I'm a great guy.
I often get mistaken,
I used to get mistaken for Philip Seymour Hoffman.
He was good in Capote.
That was always flattering because
he was one of the finest actors in the world.
People are like, "Oh my gosh, are you Miley Cyrus?"
And I'm like, "No, I'm not Miley Cyrus."
And they're like, "Oh, sorry."
And then I'll snicker.
Because I am Miley Cyrus.
Can I just read this?
It says, "You're a Cancer."
"Do you identify with your zodiac sign?"
"You horrible person, Jim."
I like to think I'm a cancer on society.
What is a better day in the office, acting or stand-up?
I would say I like doing both of them.
I love acting, but it is such an insane pursuit.
Auditioning is kind of like stripping, but you don't get a dollar.
And then stand-up is so nocturnal
and nomadic and kind of odd.
So you become, like, socially inept.
So it's good to do both of them.
That's weird.
Well, I hope I answered some of your questions.
And made you feel a little bit uncomfortable.
It's time for you to go and watch "Comedy Monster" on Netflix.
It's going to be great.
I love you.