[Disclaimer read by Jimmy Firecracker]
[Please keep these captions clean for deaf viewers. You can add funny extras to the English (Canada) captions. Thank you!]
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Ladies and gentlemen at home...
Mr. Satan... *our champion*...
*IS DEAD*!!
POLICEMAN [via loudspeaker]: Please go back to your homes, and stay there peacefully!
VEGETA [off-screen]: AAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
MR. SATAN: What happened...?
Did I kill him...?
Did my punch destroy the ring?!
...Is this my blood?
GOKU: Oh good, he's alive!
VEGETA: One thing... I wanted *one thing* today!
PICCOLO: What about killing Cell?
VEGETA: Would you believe me if I said this was more important?
TIEN: I'd be shocked otherwise.
MR. SATAN: (Drooling)
JF: Mr. Satan...!
Did you die??
If so, you have officially beaten Jesus' respawn time!
Can you tell us what happened out there!?
MR. SATAN: Magnets...
JF: How does that work?
MR. SATAN: They put magnets under the ring, the tiles, an' uhh...
When I went for my punch, I must'a-- they must'a turned it on
and I went flyin' cuz of all the iron in my blood, cuz I eat muh spinach.
BYSTANDER: That makes sense!
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
PERFECT CELL: Alright, now that the back of my hand is all warmed up, who's first?
GOKU: Guys, don't freak out.
Mr. Satan may have lost, but you've got *another* World Champion *right here*!
TIEN: Technically, we have two.
GOKU: Yeah, but I beat you, so does it still count?
TIEN: Of course it does!
VEGETA: *Does* it though, Triclops?
TIEN: And how many tournaments have *you* won?
VEGETA: I dunno; how many PLANETS have you blown up?
TIEN: None.
How many Gokus have you beaten?
GOKU: Can I fight now?
VEGETA [o-s]: YES! TIEN [o-s]: YES.
PER. CELL: Getting right down to it, are we?
A bit out-of-character.
Shan't you send in your entourage, one after the other, so as I may leave *you* for our Grand Finale?
GOKU: Well, I mean, I already waited a week, so I *guess* I could wait a couple more minutes--
PER. CELL: *No*, *no no*, this is good! Call my bluff...
No, I'm more than happy to skip the hors d'oeuvres and dive *straight into the main course*!
GOKU: *Now* you're speaking my language.
JF: Ladies and gentlemen...!
This orange hillbilly has entered the ring... set to take on *Cell*!
MR. SATAN: I would advise all parents to remove their children from the room *immediately*!
And to tune back in when I, MR. SATAN, *get back in that ring*, and show that trickster what-for!
Right after I shake off this concussion.
And also stretch.
Stretching is important, kids.
GHH-hh...!
PER. CELL: *Holy crap*, Prince, do you feel that!?
VEGETA: F*** off!
PER. CELL: And he didn't even have to pump up, like some roiding, angsty child!
TRUNKS: Hurrghh...!
PER. CELL: Well, Goku, now that you've shown me yours...
let me show you mine!
GOKU: Yeah, whip out your power, Cell! Let me feel it!
PER. CELL: Oohoooh! Now you're speaking MY language!
JF [o-s]: Mr. Satan, they are engulfed in FLAMES!
MR. SATAN: Fire-retardant clothes, obviously!
And their bodies are covered in a thin, protective gel!
Just like our stuntman, Morgan, from Skygina II.
God rest his soul!
JF [o-s]: What happened to him?
MR. SATAN [o-s]: AIDS.
JF [o-s]: Always wear a rubber, kids!
MR. SATAN [o-s]: And don't share needles.
PER. CELL: So, you gonna take a swing?
Or you just gonna stand there, staring into my eyes?
GOKU: Hm? What was that?
I was busy staring into your eyes...
PER. CELL: Oh, you beautiful Saiyan bastard, just punch me already!
KRILLIN: By the way, Trunks, wasn't your hair, like, shorter yesterday?
TRUNKS: Yeah. I decided I liked it longer.
KRILLIN: ...Neat.
PER. CELL: ♪ Chickity China the Chinese chicken ♪
Wait, so the after-image can't move, h-how do you even--?
YAMCHA: Guys, he ringed Cell out!
...Oh.
KRILLIN: ...You just forgot we can fly, didn't you?
YAMCHA: No, but...
I just have hope, okay? Is that so wrong?
TIEN: The fact that you have *any* hope left in your life is your most admirable quality.
YAMCHA: Huh... thanks, man.
PER. CELL: Yamcha, for the love of God, don't *thank* him!
And as for you...
Clever little move there.
But would you *truly* have been satisfied with a ring-out?
GOKU: Well yeah; it's how I beat Piccolo.
And Tenshinhan.
And my wife!
JF: My God...
this orange hillbilly *beats his wife*!
GOKU: It really wasn't much of a fight...
One hit, and she just went down.
Then we got married, I put a baby in her,
and now she just stays at home, cooks my dinner, and raises our kid!
CHI-CHI: Y'know... when he puts it that way...
CROWD: (Jeering and booing)
CROWD: (Jeering and booing) BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!
GOHAN: Suddenly *really* happy I don't go to public school.
PER. CELL: Fair enough, Goku; this is a test of skill *as well* as power.
But if you're looking for a ring-out...
you'll have to try a little bit *harder than that*.
GOKU: Oh, don't worry, Cell...
I'll show you just how *hard* I can get...!
PER. CELL: Well, if we're going to get freaky, then perhaps we can make this...
A menage a moi?
GOKU: G-Gohan, wha-what was that?
GOHAN: It's French, Dad.
Specifically, "My household". But it's really, awkwardly--
CELL 1: NNNEEEERD! CELL 2: NNNEEEERD! CELL 3: NNNEEEERD! CELL 4: NNNEEEERD!
CELL 1: But speaking of academics,
CELL 2: it's time to take you, Goku,
CELL 3: to Perfect University.
CELL 4: We'd say, "Take you to school",
but I think we're beyond the basics.
GOKU: Doesn't that make it... P.U.?
CELL 1: And we love that you got that. CELL 2: And we love that you got that. CELL 3: And we love that you got that. CELL 4: And we love that you got that.
[♫ "We Are Number One (But It's Perfect)" [Instrumental] ♫]
TIEN: This has gotta be for shits and/or giggles.
The Multi-Form technique basically halves your power level with each copy.
PICCOLO: Yeah. But at least we can follow the action a little better now.
GOHAN: Wait, were you having trouble?
PICCOLO: Yeeah...?
GOHAN: Well then, you're gonna have a *lot more* when they start getting serious.
KRILLIN: Wow. Saiyans; am I right?
TRUNKS: Erh... yeah?
KRILLIN: ...Aw shit, was that racist?
JF: Mr. Satan...
Can you explain this *malicious mutant's multiplication*!?
MR. SATAN: Well, Jimmy... y'ever heard of *mirrors*?
JF: I believe I have.
MR. SATAN: Well there you go.
BYSTANDER: That also makes sense!
CELL 1: Pop quiz, Goku!
Which attack is this?
GOKU: Ooh! That's the... the-the beam thing!
Uh, jeez... ugh... ah, this is killing me.
I-I mean it *killed* me.
Piccolo, what's this thing called?
PICCOLO: Oh COME ON, Goku! It's the MAKAKAS--!
...MA-KAN-A-KA--!
...MADAK--!
NAIL: 'Makankōsappō!' KAMI: 'Makankōsappō!'
PICCOLO: THAT ONE!
GOKU: ...What?
CELLS [in sequence]: MA
CELLS [in sequence]: MAKANKO
CELLS [in sequence]: MAKANKOSA
CELLS [in sequence]: MAKANKOSACANNON!
GOKU: Alright. Time to do some math!
Hahaah! Looks like four divided by one is just one!
GOHAN: *No*, Dad; that's still *four*!
PICCOLO: Gohan.
GOHAN: I know; banging my head on a brick wall...
PER. CELL: Y'know, I was hoping you'd play along, maybe make four Gokus...
but, if you're just gonna sink the showboat, I'm not going to bother.
GOKU: Sorry, Cell. I'm here to win!
And you're never gonna beat me with your stolen techniques!
PER. CELL: And what, are you gonna beat me with *your* stolen techniques?
GOKU: What...? I don't steal techniques!
PICCOLO: Actually, Goku...
...yeah, you do.
GOKU: Whhaaaaaa...?
What about the Kamehameha?
KRILLIN: Naw; that was Master Roshi!
GOKU: The Solar Flare?
TIEN: That's mine, thanks.
GOKU: The Spirit Bo--?
KING KAI [telepathically]: Goku, I'm watching the tournament; don't *think* you can pull that shit!
GOKU [t]: Oh hey, King Kai! Quick question:
Did I learn the Kaioken on my own?
KING KAI [t]: My f**king name is in it...!
PER. CELL: Kaaaaa-meeeee...!
GOKU [t]: (Gasp)... That's Yamcha's move!
King Kai, I gotta go.
PER. CELL: ...HAAAA-MEEEEE...!
GOKU: Hey, Cell? Uh, pretty sure if you shoot that this close to the ground, it'll blow up the--
PER. CELL: ...HYEAAAAAAA!
GOKU: '...I should skidaddle.'
JF: M... MR. SATAN! WHAT DO YOU--?!
MR. SATAN: LASERS, JIMMY! LASERS AND INDUSTRIAL FANS!
JF [o-s]: SUCH INSIGHT...!
{POP}
PER. CELL: Wow... It's over...
After everything... I killed him with his own technique...
Hmh... ain't that a kick in the he--
OOOAAAAGH!
[♫ Closing theme (DBZ eyecatch) ♫]
KRILLIN: Hey, what do you think happens to those beams when they fire off into space like that?
GOHAN: Well, if it can sustain its form, it's all about whether or not it comes into contact with anything...
KING MOAI: Good day to you, my faithful subjects!
It has taken over a thousand years,
but we have *finally* repopulated our new Arlia!
To celebrate this momentous occasion,
I shall now make love to my
I shall now make love to my HOT.
I shall now make love to my HOT. BUG.
I shall now make love to my HOT. BUG. WIFE!
Who is also my
Who is also my SISTEEER~!
InnnSECSUAL!
[Coitus ensues]
KAISERNEKO: Hi there! It's your editor and director, KaiserNeko of TeamFourStar!
Thanks for enjoying episode 58, and if you'd like, please go to SharkRobot and check out our new T-Shirt: Perfect University.
Link in the description!
Also, if you wanna see more TFS goodness, go check out TFS Gaming.
As well as our latest side project - the "Cell Vs." series.
Thanks for tuning in, and I'll see you next episode!