- It's hard. It's hard.
You ever realize how hard it is to get in shape?
'Cause everything costs money.
It's expensive to get in shape.
Everything costs money.
Workout clothes are expensive.
You guys, I went to a store called Lululemon.
Now I know why they lose weight.
They can't afford to buy food after they buy that shit.
It's insane.
If you don't know what Lululemon is
it's a store that sells workout clothes
for people that don't need to workout.
Like, they're thin.
I went into the store, right?
Guess what I found out.
I'm too fat to fit into their workout clothes.
I'm too fat to workout?
I have to lose 20 pounds before I can start working out.
But I didn't wanna leave empty handed, right?
So I started looking around for anything that fit, right?
I'm like, "Where the hell are your headbands?
You don't have headbands? You don't have wristbands?
You don't sell key chains?
They don't sell key chains here."
Finally, I found a sports bra that kind of fit, right?
Kind of fit.
If I light a candle and pray, I can put-
I can put it on.
You know when you try clothes on and they fit
but then you don't know how you're gonna get 'em off?
"I need scissors," like that, right?
I looked at the price. 80 bucks. 80 bucks!
I was like, "80 bucks!"
For 10 bucks, I can go to Home Depot
and hire a day laborer to hold them up when I go jog.
Andale, Pepe.
- I've done pretty good during COVID.
'Cause I feel like you could either...
I lost some weight during COVID. You could go two ways.
If you wanted to gain weight, this is your time.
I mean, everybody's fine with it.
You can just do it.
But I've been doing all that up until COVID.
I've always lived by that rule.
So during COVID I was like, "I need to stop."
And my neighbor started-
He started working out in his driveway,
and so he was like, "Let's work out in my driveway."
And you know, it's hard to make a lot of excuses during CO-
You're like, "I'm just so busy.
You know, I'm just...
I can't. I got a lot of stuff to do today."
And he's just out there.
So I started doing it with him, and he had a trainer.
And I'm not a big fan of working out. Never done it.
And I told him, I was like,
"I just wanna do upper body stuff."
And they go, "All right, well,
how about we just do legs every day."
That's all it is, is legs.
I think it's a huge conspiracy with trainers
that you never actually do your upper body.
And when you are doing it...
I mean, I asked him. I go, "Is this upper body?"
He goes, "Yeah." I go, "Yeah?
'Cause I'm bending down quite a bit."
What I eat is- that's the main prob-
I eat like a child.
I mean, it's not good.
He goes, "Let's go through what you had for breakfast
or your whole day of eating."
He goes, "Let's go through yesterday."
And in my head I'm like, "Well, yesterday's not a good day."
You know. Let's pick another day.
He goes, "Go through yesterday."
I go, "All right, I had donuts in the morning."
And he goes, "All right, was it, like,
they were just out or something?"
I go, "No, I drove. I drove to it."
I drove to it. And he's like, "Is it on your way?"
I go, "Nope, I was late to where I was going because of it."
He goes, "What about late night snacking?"
And I was like, "Well, I had Sour Patch Kids last night."
He goes, "Did you watch a movie?"
I go, "No, just regular TV."
And he told me, he's like, "The little kid bag?"
I go, "No, it was a bag. It was a bag of them."
If you saw it without a label,
and someone said, "Hand me that bag,"
they wouldn't be confused on what you were asking.
I always have trouble going to sleep,
and I swear, every doctor,
it's like, I eat Sour Patch Kids and have soda.
And I'm like, "What's going on, man? I can't...
Dude, at night, my brain just doesn't stop."
And they're like,
"Yeah, dude, you can't eat Sour Patch Kids in bed.
Maybe that's a problem."
- I used to be thin when I was six.
I put on some weight, but luckily this is intentional.
I don't wanna brag or anything
but I'm preparing for kind of a big role.
It's a cinnamon roll.
I don't wanna look like I can't finish it,
you know what I mean?
Once after a show, a woman came up to me,
and she was like, "You're not that fat,"
like it was a compliment.
I was like, "Well, thank you. You're not that polite."
But I am fat. You know, some people should be fat.
You know, we all have that friend
that's lost tons of weight,
and whenever you see him,
you always think, "You look better fat."
"You're thin, but you look exhausted.
Go back to being fat.
Looking at you makes me wanna sit down."
"Nothing tastes as good as thin."
I can think of a thousand things.
Even unsalted french fries taste better than thin.
You ever eat fries without salt on them?
You're like, "Huh, these could use some salt,
but that would mean I'd have to get up and move.
I'll just imagine there's salt on them."
Feels like a sacrifice.
You're like, "What am I, a pioneer here?
Sucking it up. I should be on that show 'Survivor.'
Once I had fries without salt on them,
so I'd probably live anywhere, really."
I just wish I wanted to eat something healthy.
Recently, I saw an apple,
and for a moment, just a moment, I didn't recognize it.
I was like, "What is that? Oh! That's an apple!
So weird to not see it in a pie."
But fruit- no one really wants fruit.
There's too much work with fruit, right?
You gotta wash it,
you gotta peel off that sticker Al-Qaeda put on there.
There's work! Like an orange-
Has peeling an orange ever really been worth it?
There's not even chocolate in this.
- It's the last day of my diet.
I was only doing it to get in these jeans for this show.
That's it.
I did. I accomplished it. I'm eating everything.
Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, quaranfifteen. I gained 25 pounds during quarantine.
Yeah, but I lost 18 of it back, so it's cool.
I did Weight Watchers.
Anybody else ever done Weight Watchers?
Aye, it works.
It's easy to follow. I just do the app.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm losing weight.
I'm sleeping a lot more now that I'm on Weight Watchers.
'Cause when I run outta points for the day, I go to bed.
That's how I do it.
What I'm gonna stay up for?
I'm not gonna stay up five more hours and be starving.
That's stupid. Why would I do that?
But now I'm thinking...
You know what I mean?
What I really wanted to do,
I probably should stay on it,
'cause I had this goal of going skydiving this year.
I really wanted to go.
I don't know if any of you guys ever been skydiving.
I tried to go.
You have? You've been?
Yeah. Did you like it?
- I don't know why I'm talking to you like I can hear you.
You have on a mask.
No, don't take it off.
It's fine. I shouldn't have asked.
Yes, you went skydiving. You probably liked it.
Yeah. You liked-
Yeah. You liked it.
I wanted to go last year for my birthday.
I called to make an appointment. I was very excited.
Talked to the guys, you know,
taking down my basic contact information.
And then he asked me approximately what I weigh,
and I told him.
And then he said, "Well, we could let you jump,"
which that's not a promising first half
of a sentence, right?
"We could let you jump."
And then he tells me they're gonna have
to add a weight surcharge to my jump fee
because I'm too puffy.
Yeah, and I was like, "Nah, dude, like I'm not really trying
to pay a fat tax on my birthday.
What's the charge for exactly?"
And he says, "Well, you know,
you're above the recommended weight,
but you're still within the parameters
so we can let you jump.
But the extra weight puts more stress
on the jump instructor,"
which is the person on my back.
So that's what the fee is for.
And again, I was like,
"All right, but just so we're clear, by stress,
do you mean I could physically injure this person?
Or will just the thought of being strapped
to me keep him up at night?
Like what kind of stress we talking about here?"
"She's so fat. I'm stressed out."
'Cause that I'm not paying for. I'm not paying for that.
- I started boxing.
Boxing became a hobby.
Reason why I started boxing because I felt like
it was something I could get better at every day.
Every day I can get good.
It's me against me.
When I found a trainer, man,
guy had amazing talent underneath his belt.
Golden Glove fighters, Junior Olympics-
Like, I mean, there's so much-
Lightweight champions.
I said, "Look, I know you're not working now, man,
but I'll pay you good money to train me."
He said, "Kevin, if you take me on,
I'll make you the best fighter there was."
I said, "Well, that's too much.
I don't want that. I just wanna get good."
He said, "Done."
He became my trainer.
Gotta be honest with you, he was fuckin' good.
Made me good.
Told me shit I thought I would never hear.
Compared me to boxes that I'd never heard of,
but it still was a compliment.
Told me I reminded him of a fighter named Lefty Lou Earl.
He said, "Kevin, do you know who that is?"
I said, "No, I do not."
He said, "I'm gonna bring you a tape. You got a VCR?"
"No. No, I do not."
The thing that made me laugh
when I told him I didn't have a VCR,
he was like.
Like I was in the wrong year.
"Can't believe you don't have a VCR. Goddamn."
"Why do you still have a VCR, sir?"
Told me that I had one
of the best jabs you've ever seen.
said, "Kevin, your jab reminds me of lightning coming
from your shoulders.
Lightning coming from your fucking shoulders."
He said, "Kevin, you ever thought about fighting?"
I said no.
He said, "What about sparring?"
I said, "No, but I would."
"That's all I need to hear. Tomorrow, 6:00 AM.
I'ma set you up. You need to see how good you are."
6:00 AM I come to the gym.
He got a guy near my height, my build.
Got my headgear, my codpiece, my mouthpiece.
Puts it all on me.
Starts putting Vaseline all on my face
and all on my headgear.
I said, "What's this for?"
He said, "So the punches slide off."
"But we never talked...
Okay, well, we didn't discuss that, but all right.
Okay, all right.
If that's what it's gonna do,
then that's what it's gonna do."
He gets done putting Vaseline on my face.
He walks out the ring.
I said, "Wait, you didn't do him yet."
He said, "He's okay. He don't need it."
"Huh. All right. That's weird. Okay, whatever.
I'ma go with the flow."
He said, "Guys, we gonna do three three-minute rounds.
Nobody's here to hurt anybody. Let's have a good time.
Keep it loose."
He yells out, "Take it easy on him!"
I assume he's talking to me.
He's gotta be talking to me.
I yell back, "Got you, coach!"
Put a confident laugh behind it. Ah ha ha.
We get to our corners, the bell rings, ding, I come out,
I just want him to see that I can fight.
You could tell I could fuckin' fight
by the way I hold my shoulders.
Look how I'm moving. Hmm?
My feet is spaced apart.
Look at my fuckin' foot moving.
Look how I'm fucking moving, bitch.
This ain't gonna be no cakewalk.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. You see it.
He flatfooted. Oh, he not even on the balls of his foot.
I'ma whoop his ass.
I'm getting more confidence as I move around.
My coach says, "Kevin, stop playing. Let your hands go."
All right. Ask and you shall receive.
I hope he got the weather channel
'cause there's about to be some lightning.
We throw a jab. You take a step, take a step.
Let the jab go at the same time. Turn it over.
Whap, every time. Whap! Whap!
That's how you throw it.
I take my step. I'm about to turn it over.
I'm right here. Here it is. About to turn that bitch over.
You better brace yourself here. Come!
Ooh, he's coming. Right here!
I'm right here. But I'm about to get here.
Here I am. But I'm about to fucking get right there.
You better brace yourself. I'm right here.
Before I did that,
he hit me.
I immediately lost my vision. Immediately.
I went blind immediately.
Couldn't see shit. Everything was fucking black.
- I gotta get in shape. I gotta...
I love sports and I just...
You know, that was my dream.
My dream was to play professional sports.
That was my- That was...
Yeah. Yeah.
I don't think I have to tell you people how that turned out.
That didn't...
But I still love it. I still love it.
I love sports. Sports clothing.
I love Under Armour.
I told my manager, I said,
"Hey, I wonder if we can get an endorsement deal.
Could you call Under Armour and see if...
'Cause I noticed The Rock got one.
I thought maybe we can get one."
And he was like, "You want me to call them?"
"Yeah, can you give them a call?"
He's like, "All right."
He called me back, like, five minutes later.
I was like, "That was fast."
He's like, "Yeah, that was fast."
I said, "How did it go?"
He said, "Not good.
In fact, they asked me if you wouldn't mind
not wearing their clothes."
Be careful with the clothes you buy
when you're getting fat,
and then you lose weight and get...
You gotta change your wardrobe accordingly.
I threw on a mesh shirt
from when I lost weight a long time ago.
And I went to work out in it.
Thank God I walked by a mirror.
I was like, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no."
I look like a bag of avocados.
Took a little weight off. I gotta get more weight off.
I gotta do it. I gotta do it.
'Cause I was getting so big, by the way.
Was taking longer in the shower.
It was like washing a van. You know, I was like...
I just started negotiating with myself.
Like, "You know what? I'm just gonna do the front today.
That's all. I can't be washing all day.
I got things to do. I got errands to run.
I'll get everything else tomorrow. I'm done."
- I recently bought the Zumba DVDs.
Now, there's a Zumba DVD set that comes with maracas.
It's like the little weights, right?
So you can keep the beat along with them, you know?
Like.
The other day, you guys, I popped it in.
Oh, I wish you had been there, man.
Oh! You guys, I was killing it, you guys.
Like, oh, like.
I was sweating.
I was like, "Oh my God, that must have been 20 minutes."
Four minutes. Four minutes. Four. Four. Four. Four. Cuatro.
I got tired, right?
I go into the kitchen and get a glass of water.
There's a bag of popcorn right next to it.
I like, "Oh my God, that looks so good."
So I pop the bag of popcorn,
and I go back into the living room
with my popcorn and my water.
And the DVD's playing.
I'm like, "Oh my God, I'm working out!"
So what do I do?
I sit down, and I watch the DVD like it's a movie!
I love Zumba.