- Ah, you're gonna be fine.
We've just gotta stop the bleeding.
- I'm bleeding?
(audience laughing)
(Jake screaming)
- Oh!
- What?
- Nothing, nothing, just a little trickle.
Here, take my shirt.
Hold it up here.
- Ow!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay, let's get you up nice and slow.
That a boy.
I'll grab my car keys and we'll head to the hospital.
- A hospital?
I don't wanna go to a hospital.
- Did I say hospital?
I meant Disneyland.
(audience laughing)
- Boy, is your eye red.
(audience laughing)
- You should see it from in here.
(audience laughing)
What are you doing here, Jake?
- My mom brought me.
Will you take me swimming in the ocean?
- Can we talk about it after my head stops exploding?
(audience laughing)
- Why is your head exploding?
- Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
- If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
(audience laughing)
- Nobody likes a wise ass, Jake.
(audience laughing)
- You have to put a dollar in the swear jar.
You said ass.
- I'll see the dollar and raise it five.
- You raised five dollars on that?
- I call.
- Call. - Call.
(audience laughing)
- Queens, full of nines.
(everyone groaning)
- Hey kid, don't you know what a full house is?
- Yeah, and I also know what a psych out is.
(audience laughing)
- [Charlie] I love this boy.
- Uncle Charlie!
- [Charlie] Not now Jake.
- I just heard the fudge nugget song
you wrote on TV.
- [Charlie] Great.
♪ From a magic chocolate mountain ♪
♪ In a secret chocolate mine ♪
- [Charlie] Great.
♪ Come granny's big fudge nuggets ♪
♪ With the taste that's oh so fine ♪
- Jake, I'm not alone in here.
- Noway!
(audience laughing)
This isn't my fault, I was provoked.
- You were provoked?
- Yeah, it means--
- I know what it means.
(audience laughing)
And it doesn't matter.
What you need to do now is apologize.
- But I'm not sorry.
- You don't have to be sorry, just say it and look it.
You've got those big cute kid eyes.
(audience laughing)
Use 'em.
- That would be lying.
- That's your line in the sand, you mutton head.
You just flipped off your teacher.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah but I was being honest.
- And look where it got you.
(audience laughing)
- Oh.
I think I just lost my innocence.
(audience laughing)
- Come on kid, we'll have breakfast out on the deck.
- Already had breakfast.
- Okay, we'll have lunch.
- Not lunch time.
(Charlie grumbling)
(audience laughing)
That's his head exploding.
(audience laughing)
- See my relationships with women,
they come and go, but you and me, we're family.
That's solid, that's forever, you with me?
- I think so.
- I mean maybe I shouldn't be laying
this on you because you're 10,
but I'm beginning to realize,
I might not be the guy I thought
everybody thought I was.
- Hm.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, it's a mind blower, isn't it?
You see, the problem isn't with
who I go out with, the problem is with me.
Your Uncle Charlie has major trust issues with women.
(audience laughing)
I think it might have something
to do with my relationship with my mom.
(audience laughing)
- I understand.
- Do you?
- No, I'm just tired and I don't care anymore.
(audience laughing)
- Here, try this.
- What is it?
- Just try it.
- Hey, that's good.
- Of course it is, it's chicken in from under sauce.
- From under sauce?
- Yeah, from under the toilet.
(audience laughing)
So here's what you do, hide it
in your room some place no one will look.
- Oh, I saw this movie once
where they put the money in a plastic bag
and hung it in the toilet.
(audience laughing)
- Let's see, last name, Harper.
First name, Jake.
Ob?
- Mm-hmm.
- Jacob, I knew that.
(audience laughing)
Middle name?
- You don't know?
- Of course I know!
I wanna see if you know.
You fell on your head, dude.
- David.
- Wow, Jacob David, they went
full old testament on you, didn't they?
(audience laughing)
- Age 10.
Allergies?
- I don't know.
- Is there anything you eat that makes you sick?
- I ate a worm once.
(audience laughing)
Goodnight Uncle Charlie.
I love you.
- Yeah.
Okay.
(gentle piano music)