I always thought that it was the alcohol I thought that it was because it made me feel
good but in reality I was drinking to solve a spiritual malady I was drinking because it
created a change in me what a sad thing that all my life I had been doing this because I thought
I was having fun and in reality I was looking for a spiritual experience and I didn't even know it
and there's so many people out there that don't know it and you see him killing their selves and
they think they're having fun and until I got something better through this process I didn't
know any better I just did what I knew and you know it's a sad thing because you see a lot of
people come into alcoholics and honestly the doctor's opinion talks about some people that
are normal in every respect except the effect produced by alcohol meaning that the phenomenon
of craving is really the common denominator that ties us together whether we're periodic s-- and
we go out at you know in one night and destroy a family or a marriage or we do it every day I
can't stop once I start I can't control the amount I take but you know some people come
in here and they drank just the way I did they did all the disgusting despicable things that
I did when I was drinking like feeding their brand-new girlfriends underwear drawer or threw
up all over their best friend's car you know we have wheat guts of great stories around here to
write a book on it and this thing is they did all the things I did and I've seen these guys
come into Alcoholics Anonymous and as soon as they put the drink down everything works for them they
fit in their part of the career welcomes them back you know and they'll come to meetings once
a year never take you know they'll never take a step their life will get continually better and
they'll look at us they'll look at me and they'll say you trained again my experience every single
time I put the drink down the first that say to me is boy you need to be on medication why
are you so angry why are you so emotional why can't just sit still you know what I'm trying
to dog food commercials and at some point I had to start to look at that second half of
step 1 and understand that when I wasn't drinking I had a whole nother set of problems and our book
is very clear I hate to cite pages but page 52 talks about untreated alcoholism it's really
describing the spiritual malady and when I'm not drinking I'm afraid of misery and depression when
I'm not drinking I can't control my emotional nature when I'm not drinking I can't manage my
personal relationships when I'm not drinking I'm full of fear when I'm not drinking I'm of
no use to other people when I'm not drinking on basically unhappy now the way that plays out for
this type of alcoholic again when I'm hanging in there and I'm not drinking is I don't fit in I'm
not part of you don't understand me life doesn't treat me right I'm underappreciated not paying
me enough everybody's in my way she's cheating on me for God's sake I got a drink and as soon
as I pick up a cocktail I intuitively know how to handle situations that used to bath
all right you give me a couple more drinks my whole attitude now look upon life changes three
four more drinks fear of people in economic insecurity leave me I'm buying the whole bar
drinks better looking to write you give me a couple vikon and I could comprehend the word
serenity and I know peace give me a little cocaine I want to start a business with you
right get me down on my last 20 bucks no matter how far down the scale I've gone I'll show you
how my experience will benefit others we got a plan you know the sad thing about that is
if you really look at the promises that 12 promises they're outlined in the book at the
end of the promises what it says is we finally saw that God could do for us what we cannot do
for ourselves my sponsor said well let's look at alcohol when alcohol really worked not in the end
but when it really worked and when booze really worked for me it solved that problem and I just
proved it by showing you that when alcohol worked it did each and every one of those
things for me and at some point I had to look at that fact that you know what the conclusion
there is there's a relationship between God and alcohol and I never saw it before alcohol gave
me the illusion that my life is manageable and the relationship between God and alcohol has a
lot of us know if you get to the ghettos in this country you get to places where there's
absolutely nothing left there's two things that always stick out churches and liquor stores
why do you think that is because they both give man hope they both give man hope you
take the booze away from me the one thing that gave me the courage to ask that pretty
girl out the one thing that gave me the guts to go after that big job the one thing that
made me connected with myself with you and with this power in the universe that made me one you
take the one thing away from me that gave me the wings to fly and you don't give me
something better you think I'm gonna stay in these rooms just don't drink no matter
what a chance when I'm not drinking I'm chasing you for exits past my exit on the freeway right
got a few of those in here huh what up guys drinking I'm
counting your items in the checkout line you know
when I'm not drinking I am so separate different and alone by nature my own
mom is like for God's sake drinks on you were nicer I'm hard to live with
insanity I always thought insanity was doing the same thing and expecting different results you
hear that a lot in a a but a little deeper than that real insanity for us is doing the
same thing knowing exactly what's gonna happen and doing it anyway and surrender like I was
talking about with that soldier that lays down that rifle the first surrender maybe to alcohol
around here but somewhere further down the line there's another surrender to the will of God