- I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE
THAT USUALLY SAYS, "HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?"
BUT, HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?
WHOO.
I HOPE YOU'RE STAYING HYDRATED, REALLY,
BECAUSE THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT WITH THIS KIND OF WEATHER.
HERE'S WHAT WE'RE DOING-- OUR ELLEN WATER IS NORMALLY $2;
TODAY YOU CAN GET TWO BOTTLES FOR JUST $4.
[laughter]
NOW THAT IT'S HOT,
IT'S THE PERFECT TIME TO STAY INSIDE AND PICK UP A GOOD BOOK.
HA, I'M KIDDING.
[laughter]
WHO READS? NO.
GO SEE A MOVIE. IT'S AIR-CONDITIONED IN THERE.
THAT'S THE PLACE TO BE.
AND I'M SURE YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN IN A FEW FILMS OVER THE YEARS.
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
OF COURSE, THERE'S "CONEHEADS." REMAIN SEATED.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
"CONEHEADS" WAS MY FIRST, AND, OF COURSE,
THEN THERE WAS "GOODBYE LOVER."
AND THEN I STARRED IN THE CRITICAL DARLING "MR. WRONG,"
AND ONE THUMB UP CAN'T BE WRONG.
WHAT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW IS
I'VE BEEN IN SOME REALLY, REALLY BIG BLOCKBUSTERS,
BUT MY SCENES SOMEHOW GET CUT FOR TIME,
OR I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS,
BUT I MADE A MONTAGE OF SOME OF MY BEST WORK,
AND I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD ENJOY IT.
- THE LAST THING I NEED
IS ANOTHER PICTURE OF ME LOOKING LIKE A PORCELAIN DOLL.
- SORRY I'M LATE, YOU GUYS.
THEY WERE HAVING A LIFE BOAT DRILL.
BORING!
I GOT OUT OF THERE. OKAY.
[glass shatters]
HOLY TUGBOATS.
- WHAT IS IT?
- HOW MANY DAYS HAS IT BEEN SINCE THE WEDDING?
- 14. WHY?
WILL YOU TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?
- CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?
[loud clattering]
[clattering continues]
SO WHAT'S UP?
- WHERE WILL HE BE TAKEN, THE BOY?
- TO A SAFE HOUSE,
MOST LIKELY THE HOME OF SOMEONE IN THE ORDER.
I'M TOLD IT'S BEEN GIVEN--
[paper rustling]
- MY LORD, I'D LIKE TO VOLUNTEER MYSELF FOR THIS TASK.
- I MUST BE THE ONE TO KILL HARRY POTTER.
- METHINKS THE RIGHT HONORABLE LADY DOTH SCREECH TOO MUCH.
[laughter]
- OH, NO, YOU DID NOT.
- IF THE RIGHT HONORABLE GENTLEMAN
COULD PERHAPS ATTEND MORE CLOSELY TO WHAT I'M SAYING,
RATHER THAN HOW I AM SAYING IT,
HE MAY RECEIVE A VALUABLE EDUCATION IN SPITE OF HIMSELF.
[cheers and applause]
[squeaking]
- HEY.
DON'T LEAVE ANY FINGERPRINTS.
JUST CLEANED THOSE.
LITTLE TIP FOR YOU: DON'T LOOK DOWN.
HAPPENS EVERY TIME.
THAT'S WHY WE USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM. RIGHT, LINDA?
LINDA? LINDA?
LINDA!
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU.
I'LL LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET.
THERE WAS NO LINDA. THAT WAS ACTING, FOLKS.
YOU CAN WATCH A LOT OF OTHER MOVIES AND SHOWS
THAT I'VE BEEN CUT OUT OF ON NETFLIX.
I WANT YOU ALL TO CATCH UP ON ALL YOUR FAVORITE SHOWS
THIS SUMMER, LIKE "SCANDAL" AND "SHERLOCK,"
SO YOU'RE ALL GONNA GO HOME WITH A 2-YEAR NETFLIX SUBSCRIPTION.
[cheers and applause]
BULGARI HAS MADE JEWELRY FOR OVER 130 YEARS,
AND THEY JUST RELEASED A NECKLACE
FOR THEIR ANNUAL SAVE THE CHILDREN CAMPAIGN.
A PORTION OF THE SALES PROVIDES HEALTH CARE
FOR 50,000 NEWBORN CHILDREN.
AND TODAY YOU'RE ALL GOING HOME WITH A NECKLACE.
[cheers and applause]
WE'LL BE BACK.