You guys are just in time to watch us
unveil the top three.
Who jumped from the dais to the medals stand?
- Wow. - I don't even know.
And you'll find out with me
right when--well, does now work for you?
'cause I would like to know now.
Is it--okay, good. Okay, great.
Well, okay, so at number three,
if you're one of those kooky 9/11 deniers,
you're actually not gonna enjoy
this insanely dark, super funny set
by Pete Davidson.
Sorry, Aunt Sheila who I blocked on Facebook.
You missing out.
- It's an honor to be at a roast
hosted by Shaq's dick.
[laughter]
Justin, you know, I lost my dad on 9/11,
and I always regretted growing up without a dad
until I met your dad, Justin.
Now, I'm glad mine's dead.
[laughter]
- There's a reason this clip is in the top five,
and it's because Pete's brutal honesty
lending his experiences to these jokes--
I mean, wow.
- Pete is good for, like, making you sad
about his dad dying, but then coming
with a great curveball right after.
It's like, "Aww. Shit, that's hilarious."
- What's up, Ludacris? What's up, man?
You might know Ludacris
from your mom's "That's What I Call Music" CD.
[laughter]
- That's a dig.
He'd never want to be on those mixes.
It's like, if you made it on one of those,
like, what's happening, year in review mixes,
it's probably not a good next year coming.
- That's funny until I look in the mirror
as a 42-year-old man, and I go,
"Wait a minute, fuck you, Pete Davidson.
"Ludacris is a legend, and I was very happy
"that he was in the building
"and doing well and looking very healthy
and has good skin."
- At number two, she's pulled a million
perfectly browned turkeys out of a million ovens.
- Can you talk to them? - [gobbles]
- So of course she's good at roasting.
She's not the Barefoot Contessa, y'all.
She's the bare foot-in-your-ass contessa.
Run to the china hutch
and break out the good silverware
for everyone's favorite blind drunk ex-con,
Martha Stewart.
- Let's get to the reason I'm here tonight,
which is to give Justin Bieber some tips
to use when he inevitably ends up in prison.
[laughter]
I've been in lockup, and you wouldn't last a week,
so pay attention.
The first thing you'll need is a shank.
I made mine out of a pintail comb
and a pack of gum.
[laughter]
I'll show you how later. It's so simple.
[laughter]
I found Bubbalicious works best,
and it's so much fun to say.
[laughter]
You see, when I did my stretch,
all the hood rats on my cell block
wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart's ass,
so I decided some bitch needed to get got.
- Those words are definitely out-of-bounds for her,
but she read them with a comfortability
that made me believe
she might have done 30% of what she was talking about.
- I walked into the chow hall,
picked out the biggest bull dyke,
and I stuck her.
From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones.
[laughter]
And, Shaq, I hope your mom doesn't still hold a grudge.
[laughter]
- She's eating these boys alive.
Like, this woman is ruthless.
She's tough, not afraid.
- That is just brilliant. The writing is amazing.
How it made it sound, like, just like
she was doing one of her shows.
- Who knew that Martha could be
such a little assassin on the dais?
Martha was bang, bang, pow.
- Well, here we are.
Who has got the number one spot in the Hall of Flame?
I don't even know. Let's see.
All right, the number one roast moment is...
Me.
[triumphant music]
I didn't know it was gonna be me.
I really didn't. This is so nice.
♪ ♪
That's so-- I'm kind of shocked.
That's--I--they really didn't tell me this.
Just go to it. That's so nice.
♪ ♪
"Will and Grace" was really the best you could do.
It just--
[laughter]
"Just Jack." "Just Jack."
It's also what I'm gonna do in my hotel room alone,
after sitting next to Blake Griffin all night.
Jesus Christ. You're so hot.
What the fuck?
[laughter]
You're so--I'd fuck you in front of my grandparents.
That's how--
I almost want to, you know?
I feel like Mimi would be proud.
[laughter]
- Oh, man, Blake Griffin is so hot.
He makes me want to learn about football.
- Okay, first of all, one thing about Nikki Glaser is,
she's not wrong about how hot Blake Griffin is.
I would let Blake Griffin
run me over with a fucking snowplow.
- It does feel a little bit unfair
that he's, like, so hot, so rich already,
and he wants to do comedy.
Like, just pick a lane.
Like, you can't have everything in this life.
It's not fair.
[wolf whistle]
- Blake, you look like a Black guy that got made
by a printer running out of ink.
That's-- [chuckles]
- That's accurate.
He light-skinned. He know he a redbone.
- That joke is just so creative.
You see the printer running out of ink.
- That's why comics are the best at roasts,
especially, like, the younger comics,
'cause they're hungry. They know this is a big deal.
You know, you put Hasselhoff or Blake Griffin on there,
they're like, "Look, I got a zillion dollars."
They don't need it. We need it.
That's why I'm doing this.
I'm in my fucking pajamas right now.
I got no shoes on,
and I'm hungover in my apartment
doing a Zoom show. We need it.
- Usually, when a white woman fucks up
an NBA player's shit like that, it's a mistress.
- That was crisp. Not a stall.
Not a hankering in her throat.
She came for everybody, everybody's crown.
And she also threw her pussy out there.