My name is Jordan Schwartz, comedian, documentation, and social media private investigator.
But now, my entire legacy has been taken from me.
Because, as of this week, I, Jordan Schwartz, have been cancelled.
I'd been pushing the edge with my content lately and I'd been seeing a massive boost from it.
My Instagram following had nearly doubled from 22 followers to 30.
And one of my Reddit post have gotten 5 upvotes.
And everyone at school knew my made-up meme words and catchphrases.
I was, frankly, an innovator.
Principal Harris is so "sloopy," right?
Yo, that shirt is "chromeo."
Man, I'm feeling really "borp" today, you know?
You feelin' "borp" today?
Ha ha ha, yeah.
Yo, uh, Jordan, you got the answers to the history class?
"Gorkus!" "Gorkus."
"Horbo!"
Oh my god, Jordan.
Dude, that is so "phombord." Sorry, it's so super "phombord," right?
It's "phombord", it's a meme, it's just a meme, not a big deal.
And then came the incident.
Dude, Rachel, those shoes are so "floofer."
W-wait, what did you just say?
"Floofer," your shoes are "floofer." It's a meme I created. Not a big deal.
Oh my God, you can't say that! That's so offensive!
Uhh, what? It's not offensive, it's just a joke. Relax, guys.
YO, JORDAN JUST CALLED RACHEL A "FLOOFER!"
IT'S-"FLOOFER" IS A MEME, IT'S-GUYS, IT'S JUST A MEME.
Look, Jordan, if you apologize to me right now, in front of everyone, then I'll forgive you.
Uhh...
NO! NO, I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE! I'LL NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR BEING WHO I AM!
Okay, fine, then you're cancelled.
What?! Heh, okay. Yeah, I'm cancelled.
Alright. What, everyone's just gonna ignore me now?
Guys? Come on, I'm not cancelled, right?
Gu-guys, come on, stop.
I'm not, I'm not can-, I'm... Gu-guys...
Oh my God, Steven? S-s-steve? Steven?
Guys?! I really have been cancelled.
NOOOOOOOOO!!! This is so "gorkus."
*exhales*
I had been de-platformed for doing what I love and creating art.
Just as I was building my brand to new heights, it was taken away from me.
Even the teachers had cancelled me.
And who can tell me the name of Genghis Khan's mother?
Anyone?
No one?
Anyone?
Mr. Grotch, I know the answer.
Not a single person here?
Worst of all, I was stripped of my student council membership, right before
we got to publicly petition for changes in school policy.
Everything was taken from me. I'm a victim, probably the-th-the greatest victim of all time, probably.
But then, one day during lunch, I discovered something fascinating.
I wasn't the first student at Blandview High School to have been cancelled.
I gotta know what the dudes gonna be like, right?
That's your right.
So, you got cancelled too, huh?
Yeah.
Welcome to the club. I'm Niel. I was literally the nicest guy in school to all the girls.
But whenever I ask them out, they would call me a "creep" or a "stalker."
One day, they all banded together and cancelled me.
Hi. I'm Ben. I like to play Devil's Advocate but apparently that's not cool
to do in history class anymore, so I got cancelled.
And I'm Cindy. The government keeps trying to poison me but I refuse to let them.
But then I got cancelled when our brainwashed school nurse said I could cause another smallpox outbreak
How about you?
I said a really, like, super funny joke and everyone got all weirdly offended and cancelled me.
Insane.
You poor thing.
I know, right?
That's sounds like a clear attack on your free speech
I know, right?!
Listen, what you need to do is you need to stand up to these people.
Yeah.
Nobody should tell me what to do with my body.
These people had done nothing wrong. Society had abandoned them
for being genuine, honest, and passionate.
I have to do something. Their voices need to be heard.
All I have to do is give them a platform... and I know just how to do it.
And that is why we should make more ramps to allow easier access for those with disabilities.
(wut. isnt dat like de opposite?)
*audience claps*
Thank you, Philip. That was something. Up next, we have a petition by Colen...
Hold up!
Okay, Jordan, I can't just allow you to do this.
I don't care, Mr. Grotch! I will not abide by the unfair standards and rules of this school anymore.
I am taking over this platform whether you like it or not.
Fine. I would argue with this but I just don't care anymore.
Students of Blandview High School, my name is Jordan Schwartz, but you already knew that.
A week ago, I was cancelled for being who I am.
A dank meme lord who makes hilarious catchwords and phrases.
Some of which you decided to be offended by.
Well now, I'm here representing those who've been cancelled as well for being simply who they are.
We are by far the most stigmatized, discriminated against minority in this school.
And there I say, the whole world. Well now, I'm giving them their voices back
My name is Neil Simons and I was cancelled for being too nice to girls.
I've compliment them, helped them with their homework,
hold the door open for them, yet none of them would date me.
Because those stupid b*tches don't know what's good for them and they only wanna date Chads!
Hi. I'm Ben Loggins and I got cancelled because I like to play Devil's Advocate.
Was the US's use of slavery bad? Yes. But did it also build the Washington Monument? Yes.
Healthy debate is dead in this country!
Hi. My name is Cindy Jacobs and I got cancelled because I refused to let the government
take my body with vaccinations WHICH WILL ONLY MAKE ME GAY, AND AUTISTIC, AND VEGAN, AND...
I gotta stop this, I gotta stop this, I gotta no-no-no-no-no-no, gaahh!
*audience shocked*
Gah, get out of here, YOU FREAKY PEOPLE. That's OFFENSIVE and NUTS!
Hooh-ho-ho! Heh.
Boy!
Ho, heh-heh. Boy, what they were saying was offensive and wrong. I think we all know that.
Good thing I stopped them.
I did, I did a great think and I think we can all agree and
I think we can also agree that I should be forgiven for calling Rachel a "foofer."
Jesus Christ, Jordan. "Foofer" isn't a bad word.
What?
We were sick of your shit, so we just used it as an excuse to ignore you.
You're literally the most annoying kid in school and that says a lot, considering I talk like this.
So I-I'm not, I'm not cancelled?
Jordan, you just gave the most offensive kids in school a chance to berate the student body with their hateful beliefs!
Yeah, uh, yeah, uh, but I stopped, I stopped them!
With Philip's crutch!
Urgh, yeah, a-asshole.
You're cancelled forever, dude.
Boy, this day couldn't get any worse. *chuckles*
Jordan, you're expelled.
*crowd cheers*
Oh, well, now this day couldn't get any worse. *chuckles*
Hi. My name is Mr. Jimmies and I am a comedy talent scout and I am going school-to-school across America
to look for our next great comedian and I just wanna say that I am gonna do everything in my power to make sure
that this man has no career ever for the rest of my life til' the day that I die.
*audience cheers*
Well, that was a total "floofer."
"Shim-poo," "shim-poo," "shim-poo."
Yo, this is so "bo-bo-bogus," "bogus." That meme wasn't good, that wasn't a good meme.
That's okay. 'Cuz not all are gonna be hits.
Until the day that I die, pass that, I will haunt you, and my children will stop your career down.
Their children will stop your career down, you will never succeed in comedy, you will never make it anywhere.
You have no career, not even the middle of America, not even casino comedian tours.
Not even with the blue comedy collar tour. None of that. Blue collar and the blue comedy.
Thank you for watching my heroine tale
Now, I'm sure you definitely want to see where I got my comedic beginnings
and my adventures as a social media private investigator.
You'll find those documentaries that I have made right here on this screen,
and make sure to comment below what avenues I should pursue next.
Maybe I'm a producer, or a captain, or a juggler.
I, Jordan Schwartz, am capable of anything, so long as I set my mind to it. See you next time.
"Gor-gorkus"