[THE PAST] The past,
[THE PRESENT] The present,
[THE FUTURE] The future,
[WITH EMILY HELLER] with Emily Heller.
>> Hi, I´m psychic Emily Heller, and I´m here with Comedian John Mulaney.
To find out what the cards have to say about his future.
John, are you ready? >> Yes.
>> You´re positive? >> That I´m ready? Yes, I´m positive.
>> Ok, you´re sure? >> I´m sure, yeah.
>> Ok, I´m not ready, I actually have to go to the bathroom, is that ok?
>> Oh, yeah, yeah go. >> I´ll be right back. Two seconds.
>> Yeah.
>> Could you not touch that? >> Yeah, that´s why it´s fake. No danger to me.
>> Don´t touch anything.
Ok, have you thought about what question you want answered today?
>> I am thinking about buying an apartment. Is that a good idea?
Buying an apartment. >> That´s a little bit of a braggy question,
but that´s ok. >> What do I do with my hands?
>> Just get out of my way.
First card: Ace of cups
>> Right of the bat I have to ask you, what´s your relationship with the ocean?
>> I was eleven when we went to Cape Cod. >> So your family is pretty well off?
>> Yes....A lot of people can go to Cape Cod. It´s pretty...its free to go to Cape Cod.
Second card: The hierophant.
>> What is a hierophant?
>> It´s a little complicated. >> Would you explain it to me since its my Tarot reading,
I feel like you would then explain it, even if it was complicated.
>> I would, but I don´t think we have a ton of time.
>> I blocked off like two hours.
>> Some kind of religious guy. You know, I don´t think that´s you.
Let´s pick a different card. >> Ok, great, so that´s the way this works,
anything you don´t like you can... >> Yeah.
The devil.
>> The devil, I know this one. >> That´s good.
>> We thought this was going to be a straight forward reading, about a real estate purchase.
>> Sure. >> But sometimes the cards show us things we need to see.
That we didn´t ask. Maybe you´re actually up against Satan.
>> May I backtrack for a second?
Just to recap. I´m a hierophant, and I´m up against the devil?
>> The classic hierophant versus devil struggle. >> Devil, like a red, hot devil?
Red hots
>> What, and the third card means what?
>> That is your dream. >> I would love it if that was a hierophant,
having defeated Satan. I bet it´s gonna be some other, more random image.
>> You have no idea what´s about to happen to you.
>> I like how menacing you are. >> If the card had come up here,
if instead of the devil you had drawn the fool,
this reading would be very wacky. We´d be doing bets, there´d be some slapstick going on...
>> Right, living references.. yeah >> I match the tone.
>> I match the tone of the obstacle. >> Okay.
Next card: The lovers.
>> When was the last time you made love?
>> Probably in college.
But I had sex yesterday.
[HIGH FIVE-ING]
>> This next card represents your hopes and your fears.
How you´re gonna feel. >> Both?
>> Yes. >> Okay.
You know, it´s a whatever card.
>> It´s a whatever card?
>> It´s what´s known in the tarot community... >> The community?
>>...as a whatever card. >> There´s like a neighborhood?
>> Yeah.
Next card: The hanged man.
>> Can you turn it to me?
>> Oh no!!
I´m glad that that is a whatever, take it or leave it card.
>> Yeah, well when I said whatever card, I meant
whatever is on this card is definitely happening.
>> Oh weird. It changed after I saw the image?
>> Yeah.
Final card: The chariot
>> So... >> So..
you are going to move. You´re gonna move!
>> Oh, cause it´s a chariot. >> Yeah.
>> Oh, cause it moves? >> Yeah.
>> That actually works. >> You´re gonna arrive in style.
>> I know, with a black sphynx and a white sphynx.
>> So maybe you´ll use an interracial moving company.
>> I was planning on it. I was going to use lethal weapons movers.
>> Oh, I hear great things. >> Yeah, they´re great.
>> They are getting a little old. >> One of them is too old...
for this (BLEEP). >> Let´s do the numbers!
Fourteen. [CLAPPING NOISES]
>> What is it? The last person you get?
>> Oh, I´ve never done this before. >> Ooooooooh.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
>> Thanks Reggie. >> You got it Emily.
[ABOVE AVERAGE] [Productions]
>> And I´m sitting here with actor, marijuana user and bureaucrat, Kal Penn.
>> How are you feeling about this reading?
>> I mean, I agreed to do it, right? I guess I´m feeling consensual.
>> Oh. It´s gonna be very sensual.
>> Ew. I said consensual.