a lot's changed since the last time i
was here the world ended
for a while there's a worldwide pandemic
i don't know if you guys watched the
news
uh
pretty pretty good story there for a
long time i don't even know if it's over
i think i can't tell no one's come out
to tell us either way i feel like greta
thundberg should come out and
just give us good news for once in her
little life
and be like hey i know
i'm like the groundhog of bad news but
the pandemic's over everybody i think
she should be the one to tell us
[Applause]
she should be given that honor but i
don't know i thought the pandemic ended
in march of 2021 and i actually declared
that it was over i yelled out loud i
declared the pandemic is now over i have
no jurisdiction to do that
but i saw so many other people yelling
craziness about the pandemic
that i felt left out all right
but i really thought the pandemic was
over in march of this year uh because i
was flying home from kansas city
missouri
yeah oh are you okay i've never already
yeah
they do have an airport you all right i
was
i was flying home from kansas city
missouri and across the aisle this lady
had the whole row to herself
and uh she laid down face down
into the airplane seat cushion just face
right into it no pillow no rolled up
sweatshirt just face into a seat cushion
and i was looking at her i'm like yeah i
i think the pandemic's over now
but it is not it is there is more
man this pandemic it's just i don't know
a bunch of craziness has happened feels
like a super bowl halftime show that's
what it is like a really long one when
we're at home and we're just like yeah i
guess this is entertaining but when can
we go back to the thing we showed up for
you know it's definitely entertaining
moments but it's a little long in the
tooth huh
wrap it up
i miss this i miss doing comedy in front
of people like during the pandemic i
didn't stop doing comedy i was doing
comedy on zoom i don't know if you got
you know zoom the meeting app that yeah
that should have been illegal
but they let us do comedy on zoom if you
don't know what that is comedy on zoom
is exactly what i'm doing right now
except i would be doing it in my living
room doing it into my laptop screen
which uh hurts my heart just to talk
about
here's something you might not know
about comedians but if we bomb at a
venue we just don't go back to that
venue all right there's plenty of bars
and restaurants i've never stepped foot
back into in san diego where i live
because i bombed there and they've
offended me and when i drive by i give
them an ugly look all right
cause i remember that they hurt my heart
but during the pandemic i was doing
comedy on zoom in a place i paid to live
at
so i couldn't even leave
the next day i would just wake up and
i'd make coffee in the morning like yep
that's where it
that's happened i lost my dignity
now when i did zoom comedy i did try to
make it feel like the real thing so what
i asked was for everyone to put their
microphones on so i could hear the
laughter so it was like this
and i remember in december i did a
company christmas party at one in the
afternoon which that should have been
illegal all right
nothing is funny at one in the afternoon
okay you can't do comedy at one in the
afternoon god's watching all right
it's meant to be done at night in secret
you know that's what comedy's meant to
be
but i was doing comedy at one in the
afternoon and uh i asked everyone to put
their microphones on and there was an
older lady in the audience i could tell
by her voice she didn't have her video
on it just said nancy on the screen
and she had her microphone on but i
don't think she meant to
because like two minutes into my act i
hit a punch line and everybody laughed
and for a second i'm like all right this
feels good this feels like the real
thing as soon as the laughter died down
nancy who doesn't realize her
microphone's on goes i don't know how
much more of this i can take
i gotta get to costco
really taking the wind out of my sails
right now
man i do not miss zoom
i did another company christmas party
that same day and you know how you can
see the other members of the meeting up
at the top i had someone leave my show
by closing their laptop screen
do you get why that hurts like they just
claw i saw them make the decision and
execute
like it's dark in here i can see the
first few rows but if someone in the
back was like i can't stand this i gotta
leave i'll never know and i'll leave
tonight going i had a fun show
but this person just looked in my soul
and went that's about enough for you
do you get why that she didn't leave the
meeting she left technology
she's like i'm gonna go read a book or
something
[Music]
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