“Don’t be sad”, or “Don’t be angry”, or “Don’t be scared”. We often say such things.
It doesn’t really help. You can’t simply wipe away someone’s feeling just by saying,
“Don’t feel sad”, or “Be strong and courageous”.
Although we have all probably heard hundreds of times about the vital importance of
listening to others before we respond,
it is amazing how much work there is still to be done to make this as a habit, conscious habit.
You might now know the book by Dr. Stephen Covey, ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’.
I think if you have not read it, I wish you would take time and share it with your family.
One of the effective habits he identifies is ‘seek to understand before you are understood’.
In other words, listen first.
Try to understand the other person before you start talking about what you think or you feel.
St. Francis of Assisi’s beautiful prayer also says that, “O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love, for it is in giving that we truly receive”.
Listening to others first goes far beyond being simply polite or considerate.
It actively contributes to satisfying, fruitful interactions.
Listening moves us closer to each other. It creates relationships
Don’t we all want to be heard and understood? And it saves time and stress.
Just as we want to be heard and understood,
others also like to be heard and be understood. Only then communication can happen.
Listening carefully will save you so much of time
Think of how much time gets used up in sorting out misunderstandings
just because you didn’t listen properly,
or the other person didn’t listen properly,
apart from the tensions that arise between people who don’t feel heard by each other.
So often, even if we are not actually interrupting a speaker,
we are itching for a moment when we can say what is in our mind. Response predominates.
Dr. Stephen Covey pointed out that most people do not listen with the intent to understand.
They listen with the intent to reply.
In conversations, people so often jump in to tell their own story instead of hearing the other out.
“Oh, the same thing happened to me!”, and off they go telling about an experience that was similar,
and all the focus shifts to that person and their story
and the one who wanted to be heard is left high and dry.
In Heartful Communication, we call these interruptions ‘circuit-breakers’
Remember this word ‘circuit breakers’.
Because they often disrupt the connection between people.
It is almost like this: you have beautiful air-conditioning working in your living room or bedroom
and there is a circuit-breaking. What happens? You don’t enjoy that room anymore.
Similarly, when a circuit breaker
somehow triggers during communications, during discussions,
it also interrupts the flow of our discussion.
We offer unwanted advice in so many diverse ways.
My Adi Guru Pujya Lalaji Maharaj
gave us one of the most singular principles of life that he himself exemplified with.
He said and I quote, “Never offer advice unless invited, otherwise it is likely to yield bad results.
If you find any fault with anybody, pray for his freedom from it”
So here is his guidance﹘ instead of giving advice, criticising, or talking about someone behind their back
we can offer prayer.
Most of us are very, very good at fixing or giving advice, and we are not at all good at simply listening.
Like when we tell the person who is speaking to us not to feel what they are actually feeling,
“Don’t be sad”, or “Don’t be angry”, or “Don’t be scared”. We often say such things.
It doesn’t really help. You can’t simply wipe away someone’s feeling just by saying,
“Don’t feel sad”, or “Be strong and courageous”.
Many of these circuit breakers come out of wanting to settle someone’s problem to make it better.
But often people need to be fully heard first.
Someone told me how when one of their twins had died,
several people responded saying, “At least you have the other one. It is unfortunate, though.
” Empathy doesn’t begin with the words ‘at least’.
The lady really needed empathy and understanding for her loss of one of the twins.
Sometimes maintaining silence, not a single word spoken
can grant someone heartfelt satisfaction. For example,
attending someone’s funeral and later on visiting that family every evening
speak no word, just be there. That is more than enough.