And now we've got to go down here too. We're going to go over to Arizona.
All right. And we're going to be talking to Lisa. Hi, Lisa, how are you today?
Um, my husband is nobody seems calm.
I understand that the body I discovered by he,
he crystal to me,
he crystallized life because that's when he told me that he wasn't alone.
But with another person they were coming, they were coming to live with us.
I mean, live in my town. Um,
it's been three months, uh, July 30th.
And, but we lived together for two months. I previously,
uh, had an affair two years ago. The condition to me,
even though everything that happened as indigenous to me was that I lose weight.
And, uh, I didn't with the way, because I was going through a lot of stress,
like eat my feelings. I, a lot of things, he was very angry.
That's when I learned about marriage helper, I thought I was crazy.
That's how I figured out that I was a mom. I tried to explain it to him,
but he, he never wanted to share anything for three years.
He was angry. Um, for two years, then he started, uh,
the Mirena affair was on fifth, 10th since November last year.
So it's been a year now. He crystallized three months ago.
My question is, can you go with crystallization to the Valley?
Because he left, like you was,
we kind of work in our programs. I lost my weight.
And he was starting to show that he was very confused that he even told me,
I don't know if I love her,
but I need to do this because you know what you went through. Like,
he kind of says that I owe it to him. He asked like,
I owe it to him because of what I went through.
And he still expresses, uh, you don't know what I'm going through.
This is very hard. He, he asked me about everything I do. But when I can ask,
I don't know if it's a Kush because basically she works nights.
But those nights he stays in my house telling her that is because I have a
special needs and I need to sleep. My, my,
my son does have insomnia and I sometimes can't sleep for three or four days,
but he says that he's doing it because he wants to be with me.
And we have like a better relationship. We have a better relationship.
Sometimes I relapse, but can you have a Valley?
But at the same time of crystallization I'm how long should I keep this? If I,
I do think eight, his eyes were doing better.
Okay. Well, let me explain to the other people listening a couple of things.
If I may very quickly, because you use some terms they may not be familiar with.
And so let me explain those. When Lisa talks about crystallization,
that's actually what we referred to is the second phase of a thing called
limerence limerence has to do with a lot of things. Now,
I don't have time to explain limits here because we have so many callers
waiting. If you would like to know about limerence,
here's what I recommend that you do. You go to
youtube.com/marriage.
Helper. And if you go to youtube.com.
Tom slash marriage helper and subscribe, and if you're subscribed there,
we have several thousand subscriptions. So it's pride there. It's free.
It doesn't cost you anything.
And then you have access to all kinds of videos that we've done there.
And you'll find several that are on the subject of limerence.
Sometimes there'll be titled things like madly in love,
because limerence is a version of being quote, madly, eleventy quote.
Now I'm actually writing another book about limerence actually writing my first
book about limits. I've written many books, the first book about limerence.
And in that I'm talking about three phases of limerence.
And I've talked about that some on recordings and et cetera,
and that's where Lisa's getting this idea of crystallization.
Limerence basically has three phases, but,
but it's not always easy to know which phase or person is in. Now.
She's convinced that her husband is in the second phase,
which is crystallization.
And if he is then that's the most intense level of leverage. I mean,
it's pretty powerful right there.
I don't have time to explain it again and go to the YouTube videos and watch for
the book. When it finally comes out.
Hello.
Based on that current level of completion,
that should be finished about 10 years after I die,
I'm going to try and get that book done as quickly as I can.
But you're guessing if you guess that a person has crystallization, even,
even at least having to guess there, because there's no bonafide tests,
that'll tell you. But if you're there, you're in a tense situation,
very intense. Now, when she went on to describe,
if you heard what at was saying, pardon me,
allergies here when she was describing is that he's with her,
but he's also with Lisa that particularly when, as she's working,
he's back over here and that he's actually saying things to Lisa.
To try to get her nuts.
To end this thing,
as she was saying it almost as if you owe me,
because since you have been through limerence earlier in our relationship,
you understand the intensity of the emotion I'm feeling. Therefore,
since you understand the intensity,
the emotion that I have with this other person,
I'm asking for some tolerance that I'm interpreting that that's the word I'm
using based on what Lisa said, I'm asking for some tolerance,
let me live like this for a while with her,
but still somehow making a relationship with you. Now,
that is what we referred to as the Valley.
The Valley's when a person has relationship with two people,
the spouse and someone else, and as they live in the Valley,
they don't have to really make a choice.
Now he's trying his best to keep Lisa from forcing a choice by telling her the
things that he told her. You've been there. You need to understand.
And that's designed, I don't know him, I'm guessing,
but I'm pretty sure my guess is right.
That's designed to keep her from making any kind of action that would stop this
Allie and her birds. I'm living here with a relationship with,
and a relationship with you. I'm kind of getting the best of both worlds.
I don't have everything I want from either,
but I'm going to get enough from each that is kind of comfortable for me to stay
here. Now, when people have a spouse in the Valley, they have a right.
If they wish to just go run in there and end it to say to him, for example,
Lisa could say to her husband, no, I'm not going to tolerate this.
You make a decision one way or the other either choose her or choose me,
but we're not going to continue like this. Now, if she forces that,
if she does that, she actually used the word push,
because that's the word we use a lot of our teaching.
If she were to push that force,
that then she must understand that he has two options and she's not sure which
one is going to take. The option might be that he goes with the other woman.
Now she's got to be ready to accept that as reality, that if that happens,
it happens and not to beat herself up because she went ahead and forced
something to occur. In other words, if you're going to make this decision,
understand the potential consequence and don't beat yourself up,
if that negative consequence occurs,
because the other possible consequence is that he ends up with her and starts to
work on this relationship again.
And Lisa has the right to make that demand one way or the other.
Now we do sometimes recommend to people that if,
if in the Valley progress is being made toward you. In other words,
he pardon me, allergies. I apologize.
He or she, your spouse involved with another person,
but also involved with you. And if there's progress being made with you.
In other words, you're, you're talking more, you understanding each other more.
You're beginning to spend a little bit more time with each other.
Emotions are beginning to redevelop, particularly in the string spouse.
Then sometimes, sometimes it can actually be advocated. He just,
if you let that spouse continue in the Valley for a little
while now, no, it hurts. It's going to hurt like, Oh yeah, get out.
And if you can't handle it, then don't, if you can't handle it,
then don't try to let it go on for awhile.
But if you can cope with it and progress is being made toward you rather than
making the demand right now.
And you don't exactly which way they're going to choose.
You can wait a little longer as that relationship with you,
intensifies gets better and gets stronger before you ever make that demand.
And then it's more likely that the spouse is going to move toward you than
toward the other person. Now, people say, how long do I let this go?
It's an art, not a science. It has to do with is progress being made.
Do you feel that progress is being made with you?
Because if that's not happening,
there's no reason to let this thing go any further. And another thing would be,
are you really able to cope with this?
Because if the Valley is causing damage, not just hurt,
it's always hurts,
but causing damage to you or to your children that they're involved,
or even until the other person and that awareness it's affecting you physically,
where that, that you're beginning to find yourself. They get sick easily,
or you're moping all the time, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually.
If it's affecting you negatively in these ways. At some point,
even if some progress is being made back towards you, at some point,
if enough damage is being done, you still have to make the demand.
You can't wait longer to see it.
This gets better because of the damage being done to you or to your children,
or even conceivably to your strength. Spouse makes it where, like,
we can't let this go on further than this. The damage is becoming too bad.
Therefore I'm going to make a demand, choose,
choose that person or choose me now, did you hear all that quick summary?
If they're making progress with you and you can handle it and it's not causing
damage, sometimes it makes it okay to let the Valley go a little further.
So you can intensify your relationship because whenever you make that demand,
the a man's going to be choose the other person or choose me.
And if you make that demand, you have to stand with it. You cannot give it up.
And then, whereas you can't vacillate back off and go, okay, nevermind. Now,
if you make that demand, you have to back it up.
Otherwise you're going to lose all kinds of things that are not good for you.
So if you need to make it now, make it. Now, if you can tolerate it for a while,
do if it starts causing damage. I hope that makes sense.
There's all that I talked to her a whole lot of things.
[Inaudible].