You've probably already said some of these things. Don't worry, we'll give you
some alternatives to the 7 things you should never say to your child.
Disclaimer upfront, Vicki. We all say these things, okay? -I was going to say. This one's a little hard
because you know you got em all. So here we go.
-There are reasons why they're on the list. Let's start with this one.
Stop crying. -Don't cry. -Kids cry. -Yeah. -Adults cry. People cry.
We have emotions and kids have a hard time regulating their emotions. So, let's
give some alternatives to each of these instead of saying, "Stop crying." Which
makes the child feel like there's something wrong with them. -Right. -How
about we do some inquiry? Some discovery? -So you could say, "Why are you crying?" But
here's the the caveat. When you ask that question, sometimes you're
really not asking the question. You say, "Why are you crying!?" And again, it comes
off as a judgment. It's a statement like, y"Yu're crying is driving me crazy or
it's stupid or it's dumb." Whatever. -Good point. -When you ask them,
you need to make sure it's truly a question. -Right. -Why are you crying?
What? What happened? -What happened? Tell me more. -Yeah. Tell me why you're crying. Yeah.
-You know. It's so interesting. I had this interaction with an 18 month old girl as
she was crying and her dad was holding her and she's that neighbor and a friend
and I approached her and I said, "Oh, Millie, why are you crying?" "I miss my mommy."
18 months. -Yeah. -They can connect with that question as long as it's a question.
-And can I also say that sometimes they won't know. I mean how many times have
you... Maybe not you. I know that I have many times cry and I don't really know
why I'm crying. I'm not sure I could tell you exactly the reason but I know that
I'm feeling melancholy and I'm feeling like crying. And you know what? That's
okay to just say, "I just feel like crying." But you asked and you genuinely were
looking for an answer. -Come at it with it empathy. -Okay. -So that's a great first
rule. What's another thing what not to say to our child?
This one should be so obvious but unfortunately we slip into it sometimes.
"Why can't you be more....?" Whatever, fill in the blanks. -Yeah. -"Why can't you be more
like your brother? Why can't you be more loving? Why can't you be more kind?" Why
can't you be more? -Yeah. And you know what? -I just had this thought. I thought, I
would never say, "Why can't you be like your brother?
Why can't you be...?" And then I realized that I think sometimes you might think
it and the way you show up to people. You know. we are trained to read people. We
are trained as humans to read people. And so, if you think
you're hiding your thoughts that, "Noy this kids not not shaping up to be just
like his brother. I wish." You're going to show up that. So, you're going to have to do
some of your own work to kind of change the way you see it and make sure
that your words don't come out. "Why aren't you more...? Why can't you be more
like so-and-so... Or why can't you be stronger? Why can't you be happier?" Like
you pointed out earlier, Vicki. That's not even a question. -Right. -Think about it.
What possible answer could anyone give. -There is no... -Why can't I be more...
I can't even answer that. And your kids can't either. -It's an accusation really. -So,
let's give an alternative for that as well. Let's say that you want your child
to be more kind or more loving. What if instead we approach to like this: "Hey,
let's work together on being more kind or loving. Let's work together on..."
Whatever it is that you want to accomplish there. And then we get out of
that question that's not even really a question. And another one I've heard too
is what do you think needs to happen so that they can feel your concern or your
love or your acceptance, you know? Maybe for a child who's not being particularly
kind. -Right. So... -Okay. Next one. -Okay. This one is so easy to slip into. I find
myself doing it all the time. But when you use the word, "You always or you never..."
-Mmm. -That is so easy for me to slip into when I'm talking even to you or
about myself. So, but with our child we want to be
really careful not to say, "You always throw a fit. You always react..." -Not even
possible. -Yeah. -Always is always inaccurate. And never is
never accurate. -Right. So, let's just avoid them. -Avoid those words all together. Now,
what can you use in place of them? -Just state what happened, you know? When he
took your toy, you hit him. -And using samantha the-- as well. So. I can see that
you're really upset. Which is not like, "You always lose it." -Yeah. -"I can see that
you're really upset right now." But bring it to the present. -Right. -Talk about
what's here and now instead of always a never. Vicki, I can't even believe we're
going to this next one. "I wish I never had kids." Alright, do we really even
need to discuss that? Can you see that that's destructive and harmful? And it's
not even about your kids. It's probably you're frustrated about
something. It's probably that you are having an emotional meltdown in the
moment and it's not even true. You don't wish that you'd never had kids, you'd be
really sad if they were gone. Like what we were saying before, maybe bring it to
the here and now. This isn't the always or never kind of a thing. You might instead
express to your child, "Right now I'm feeling really frustrated and I need a
little bit of time to calm down." -You know, kind of reminds me of a comment it's
kind of a flipside but one time you were talking one of our children and they
were very upset about a consequence or somethin and our son said
something the fact, "Sometimes I feel like I hate you.
I know I don't. I know I'd be really sad if you're gone. But I feel like it." That
was so beautifully said from his side. I mean really showed a lot of control. So, I
think it's okay to show your kid that you get from point. "Right now, I am super
super frustrated so I'm just going to take a minute..." -Then calm down. -Calm down.
-That models what you want them to do. -Right. -Okay, this next was just like, oh,
stab me just a little because I don't know how many of us haven't said something
like this at least the most of the women in my world. You know, "I'm on a diet." Why
is this such a horrible thing to say? -Well first of all, a diet is what you eat.
-Everybody's on a diet. -We're all on a diet. You go to the zoo and
says "Diet: rodents" Or whatever, right? It's what you eat. That's what a diet is. Now,
most times when people say that, they're saying, "I'm on a diet. I'm not happy with
the way my body looks and so I'm restricting myself and..." It usually
implies something about self image and self concept. The reason this is even on
the list Vicki is because we did a little bit of research and this shows up
in most of the lists about what you mudy not say to your kids. Rather saying I'm on a diet or
implying something about self-image, what if you were good to go back to something
a little more healthy and say something like, "I'm trying to make good choices
about what I eat and put into my body. Because I feel so much better when I do."
-So, you're kind of changing it from a judgment of your image or your
self-image or your body shape or anything to be more about wanting to
feel good, wanting to have the energy, wanting to live a life of health.
-Beautiful. Vicki, this next one ties into one that we've already talked about. "Big
boys don't get scared. Big girls don't cry." -Yeah. -Okay? It's like the stop crying
one. And so we can apply the same arguments to that that we did to the
first one and maybe the same alternatives. Instead do some inquiry.
-Right. Find out what's going on.Wwhat are you feeling scared about? -And you just
talk that through with them. -Talk it through with them. And I like this one
too. "Let's see if we can find out what it really is." -Yeah. -Like a child who's afraid
of something in the closet. "Oh, there's a monster in my closet." You're afraid of a
monster in your closet. Let's see if we can find out what's really going on
there. -Yeah. -Okay? And then you go do some exploration together.
Vicki, another obvious one. -"What's wrong with you? Can't you do anything right?"
-Again, how are you going to answer that? -There's no good answer. But
you know? I think one of the the real challenges or difficulties of this
particular type of respondents to your child is that it takes away the value of
mistakes. Everybody mistakes. We're human. And so it's okay to say, "Hey, you are
human. We all make mistakes." And then process
the mistake and what they could do another time. Talk about how to handle it
another time. But rather than... -I love that. Accepting the value of our mistakes
helps us to be more tolerant and forgiving not only of ourselves but of
everyone else around us. And so you're modeling that for your child as well. If
you haven't yet checked out the parenting powerup, please come and join
us over there. Tell them about some of the things they can get there. -We have
some great ways for you to power up the kind of parenting you're doing. To show
up to be the kind of parent you want to be. -This includes a positive parenting
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and there's some free trainings that you can access. Go check it out right now.
parentingpowerup.com.
I wish