[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] - How are you?
Good.
I don't know what's going on, we had a--
I know, the cushion feels oddly erect.
Like--
We just had a bride sitting on it,
so I think that might have something to do with it.
Sorry about that.
Are you, like encouraging posture?
It's not a-- yeah, we got it at the Relax the Back store,
and it hasn't been great for us, I'll be honest with you.
Yeah, well.
What do you have there?
Well, so I wanted to give you something.
This is probably a huge mistake.
I just found, like two days ago, my childhood diary.
Really, like little kid childhood diary?
Yeah. Yeah.
And I thought I wanted to give it to you
in sort of an intimate space.
And this is the space, yeah?
Yeah. Anyway.
- May I take a look? - Take a-- yeah, please do.
Can I read any of this--
This is so mortifying.
--aloud?
Please don't let my parents know.
It's all-- I'm so boy-crazy.
Oh, are you really-- oh, yeah, there's somebody named Ryan
who gets mentioned a lot here.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, wow, Ryan.
Oh, there we go, look at that.
And my mom used to always say, like, don't be boy-crazy.
Does that work, when you tell a kid not to be boy-crazy?
I love Ryan, boy do I. Look at that.
Wow, boy, do you love Ryan.
Yeah.
Let's see well what else we have here.
Oh, this has got to be great. - Oh.
"He likes me.
I know Ryan likes me.
He always puts his arm around me and calls me honey,
even if he's going with Beth."
Ryan Lewis.
Oh, Ryan Lewis.
Yeah.
There's two Ryans.
OK.
There's actually a few Ryans.
All right, "Ryan Lewis, our paperboy, likes me too,
and on weekends I flirt with him.
Got to run."
Wow, the paperboy.
You know, as I read through all these painful memories,
I realized that I bribed everybody in my life.
Ryan Lewis, I would leave sodas out for him.
Ryan G, I would leave, like, I would
buy him ice cream all the time.
Like, I don't know.
You're like a sugar-mommy--
Yeah.
--even back then.
Wow, that's remarkable.
Well, I believed in myself.
Let's see.
Sean seems to like me, but he is really conceited.
OK, no-- we're getting-- we're getting dark, now.
I'm maturing physically--
- Oh god. - --quite rapidly.
No, no.
I don't have big boobs, but I have something.
This is the part that you weren't supposed--
Lately--
- [GROANS] - --I've gotten really weird.
I keep on thinking someone's watching me, always--
when I'm in the shower, in my room, even right now.
All right.
Wow.
Like, it's time, now. I--
JIMMY KIMMEL: It's the beginnings of paranoia.
I take it away. JIMMY KIMMEL: How about that?
Yeah, oh, completely. Completely.
Do you remember all that?
Does it bring you back, or is that like a totally different
person when you read that?
No, I'm still completely paranoid.
JIMMY KIMMEL: You are completely paranoid.
Yeah, I mean, I mean, for instance right now,
nobody's watching me, but I feel like people are watching me.
- Can I tell you right now-- - Yeah?
--right now there is a man dressed
in a wedding dress who's watching you very,
very closely. Don't turn around.
Did he shave his shoulders?
He did shave his shoulders, especially for this event.
Yeah.
Doesn't he look beautiful? - [GASPING]
Maybe he could make the next-- the diary--
do you still keep a diary?
Is that something that you kept up with, or did you give it up?
No, no, no, I'm too lazy.
Yeah, it takes a lot of discipline to keep a diary.
- Do you? - No, no, no.
I-- of course I don't keep a diary.
I would never, ever do something like that.
Because I have a brother.
When you have a brother, you're not allowed keep a diary.
Yeah.
Because your brother will get into the diary.
- Oh, my god. - I got into my sister's.
I found out she loved Donny Osmond,
and I tortured her throughout her whole childhood
just for loving Donny Osmond.
My mom was like, what is [BEEP]..
You know what's weird, my mom asked me
that question, too, at Easter.
Did your mom really say that? - Am I allowed to say that?
Yes.
So your mom was spying on your-- no, and by the way, no,
you're not allowed to say that.
Whatever they heard at home was not what
we heard here in the studio.
Say mom, it's just like when you go, pew.
It's--
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
By the way, I'm just kind of still
going through your diary here.
Oh, god.
And there's so much good stuff.
It's vulnerable, isn't it?
You should-- you should publish this, because this
is all really, really good.
I mean, this could be--
this is great, too, because this is like a how-to kind of thing.
It's "How To Be Cute."
You guys want to find out how to be cute?
[CHEERING]
How old-- it says--
I didn't know you were going to go this deep.
Yeah, no, I'm going this deep.
I thought you were just going to keep it in the early pages.
This is June 7th, 1992.
"How to be cute."
Way too old.
OK.
I mean, I'm like--
this is, what, sophomore year?
This is, "How to be cute.
One, smile.
Two, wear cute hats.
Three, be friendly."
I would put "be friendly" ahead of "wear cute hats,"
but that's just me.
"Be sarcastic.
Use no hairspray.
Be daring, be different, be yourself."
And then you will be cute.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
You should make that into a T-shirt.
Thank you so there's validation somewhere out there.
Don't use hairspray?
Anna Faris will get what she wants out of her life,
and not much could dare to stand in her way.
- No, I didn't write-- - Yeah, you did.
You wrote it right there, unless somebody weird got in here
and wrote that for you.
Is that possible?
It looks like your handwriting.
Wow, this is just like the Mueller investigation.
We're learning so much.
I hadn't even, like, after I found it,
I hadn't even gone that far. - Yeah.
No, you must go farther into that thing, and read.
Oh, god.
Well it was great to have you here.
If I don't kiss him, I'll have to find someone soon, because I
only have seven months left.
I don't know. That was--
To live, or in school?
I see.
- Who knows? - Wow.
Oh, god.
Well, it's very good to see you.
The movie is called "Overboard."
Anna Faris, everybody.
It opens May 4th.
JIMMY KIMMEL (VOICEOVER): Hi, I'm Jimmy Kimmel.
Click to subscribe to our YouTube channel, or if you want
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