My name is Tamara Chambers
and I'm about to watch Return to Oz for the first time ever
It's gonna be some much fun
Tamara's Never Seen!
*disturbed silence*
*drop*
It's like this horrifying combination of like Twilight Zone and The Waltons
First of all the show Dorothy, who is apparently aging in reverse because she looks like she's seven years old
...She has incredible hair though
So "Dorothy" finds a key on her farm in Kansas that says "Oz" and she looks at it for...a hundred years
Then, she takes the key and runs to Aunt Em, because of course, Aunt Em already thinks she's crazy
So, Aunt Em takes her to a doctor, who is going to use electrical currents to cure her of her "Belief in Oz"
Which is actually pretty progressive for the time. So...Way to go, Aunt Em.
There's a doctor and a nurse, Mrs. Wilson, who's super horrifying and, like, real fierce.
And then it just magically turns into a horror film, right in front of your eyes.
Return to Oz, a story about Dorothy Gale in Kansas, turns into a *horror film*
So Dorothy's in a Psych Ward (basically) strapped down to this chair, about to get electrocuted for believing in Oz
And...And...There's this terrifying nurse (In this amazing black dress)
and this doctor, and they're about to electrocute her, and then a lighting storm happens and the whole place goes black.
So the nurse and the doctor leave Dorothy to go take care of some other patients who are moaning...scarily...and creepily...
(It's not good)
So then they escape through this dark forest while Mrs. Wilson is chasing them
(In her *amazing* dress, like, it's amazing, it's a really good dress)
And they fall into a river and all of a sudden out of nowhere there's, like, a floating piece of wood
Like out of nowhere, like, in the Titanic
Just chillin' there...just...
And then it turns into like a crib that's floating which... it turns into like a chicken coop I guess, but it looks like a crib
And it's floating, in the middle of a river, and then that river turns into, like, the fuckin' ocean
So they're just out in the middle of nowhere in the ocean in a crib that's floating
Then! Dorothy wakes up and there's a talking chicken...in the crib, which, it's a chicken coop, duh, Tamara, duh! Of course! Of course it is!
The ocean is dried up, and it's just a pond
And they're in Oz
Bum Bum Buuuum!
The chicken is named "Billina" which is her chicken from the farm...Kansas...
But honestly, she's super funny
...she's the best part of the movie, I really think, 10/10 would recommend watching Billina again she's *way* better than all of the other famous chickens
*Regretful mumbling*
So they go across the little chunk of the evil...desert.
and you find that the bad guys are rocks
(Which is...it's actually pretty scary)
Then they get to Emerald City, or, what is left of Emerald City
And...
These...things show up, the Wielders
*Unintelligible* What the f*ck? *giggling* What the f*ck!?
They're like loud flamboyant Slendermans on rollerskates...it's, it's amazing
It's *so* scary!
'Cause first of all, they're got these helmets with, like, the-the faces on 'em and you're like
"What the f*ck is that?"
"Is that Clay-mation?"
And then they...put their faces up and it...they're humans, but they're on roller skates and they look like Slenderman but very, very flambouyant and gaitly
*mouthing* I love them
So...after a while, the Wheelers revealed that the Gnome King is the evil big bad guy and that he doesn't
allow chickens...chickens aren't allowed in OZ
(What? What?) so then Dorothy, Billina (the best chicken in the world) and their new friend
Tick-Tock go to Princess Mombi's house to retrieve the Scarecrow who is now the
leader of the Emerald City (that's now destroyed) and honestly the best part of
that scene is when Billina sees the house for the first time and goes "Wow"
"This Princess Mombi is some house cleaner" it's like, girl, you live in a
chicken coop, with poop...way to stay humble, though, then princess mombi locks
Dorothy up, in the tower, in the hopes that in a couple years her head will ripen
for her head collection, so that she can shop with his head off and use it...for
herself because she's a headless. horrifying. creature.
*laughing* but this is for kids... so in the tower Dorothy meets jack which is like a pumpkin, like Jack
Skellington but it's like, more cartoony than the actual cartoon of Jack Skellington
(He's clay-mation, that's why) um...she meets Jack and Jack keeps calling her mom, which is weird...He should stop Dorothy, Jack, and
most wonderful chicken in the world make the plan to escape by creating this
character made out of a Gump which is like...like a deer, and they put his head on top
of a sofa... with some plants to flap away...It's, it doesn't hold up with science, it's not
scientific...at all
I will not give them that, but they need this powder from the princess and so she
goes and steal the powder and then all of her heads catch her, and so all of her heads are
screaming and then the headless Princess Mombi is chasing them and it's SO F*CKING
SCARY
it's like horrific like it's like "horror film" scary and it's for kids which...
is awesome, I love it... I can't imagine watching this as a child...I can't imagine...
my mom didn't let me watch Rugrats growing up, like, this would have scared the *shit* out of me!
Anyways they get the powder, and they're sprinkling it on this Gump character and
she flies away as the headless Mombi's chasing them, so they're escaping through
the air on this nightmare machine of this like Gump head and a sofa and some
plants and meanwhile he's like "What am I?" as he's flapping through
the air and they're like "You're a thing, you're just, you're a thing." literally what she says
she's like "Well, you're a...thing" also,
Jack keeps calling Dorothy his mother and I know that Jack is a newborn
pumpkin...man, but it seems like he's a full-grown pumpkin man because he's man
shaped...and it's *creepy*
so as they're flying through the air, the Wheelers coming looking for them again
and on second inspection,
I love the Wheelers, they are super cool and I want to try on their skates, then
Dorothy all of them crash and the Gump disassembles is everywhere and
they're on *Gnome Mountain*
so this is the first time you see the Gnome King and he sounds like Mufasa and
Kylo Ren put together and he looks like an evil clump of play-doh (and it's awesome)
so the Gnome King transfers them down to his underground secret rock layer where
he reveals that he has the ruby slippers in *the best way* it's like this
incredible reveal, like "They're very powerful" so the Gnome King makes them play this game...
where they have to guess which knickknacks are their friends? Which is pretty
messed up and of-f*cking-course on the last try, Dorothy gets it then, you see
the Scarecrow and he is
horrifying-looking...time has not been good to him, like, I know it's only been six
months but like...maybe he has a drinking problem (and he should stop it) then, as they're trying to escape
all of the evil Play-doh rocks attack them and right as evil Gnome King is about to
eat Jack, the pretend Jack Skellington character, one of Linda's eggs pops
into his mouth and *destroys everything*! done! And he, like melts, like the witch
like evil witch like in Wizard of Oz (I just got that...) That's all it took!
one egg! *snapping* Girl works good under pressure so Dorothy has the slipper back and everything
is restored and she sees the Scarecrow in The Lion the Tin Man and they all
look bad and weird and I love it
so Dorothy leaves Oz with the promise from the queen of Oz that she can return
"Anytime she likes" and she leaves her chicken friend! Which is a bitch move,
honestly then she's like magically back on the riverside in Kansas where she
like fell overboard at the hospital and Toto finds her, like a champion
and that's right when I realized that Toto had not been in the movie at all
like he didn't go back to Oz like "Bark bark f*ck that shit bark, bye have fun"
"I don't like lions so...peace!" then you see that Mrs. Wilson was always Princess Mombi
Mome-bee? Moby Dick? ???? and she's arrested and ends up in a cage just like princess
Mombi did...
Whooooo...and it's just all so f*cked up
like it's so weird and cool and horrifying and creepy and like, you can
tell a lot of money was put into it but it also looks real janky in the best way
like, it stuck to the weird themes of the old movie but did justice to the books
more so because of the ultra weirdness that are brought into it and it was so...
uncomfortable...
to watch... like...why was this made? And how did they cast this girl?
it was a weird choice, I feel like the girls weird choice, the weird puppet
characters were awesome I love that they kept... like you had some kind of idea what
was happening because of Wizard of Oz but if you've never read the books
you're like "What the f*ck is going on??" they're like "oh yeah it's troll mountain" (or Gnome Mountain I don't know it's one of
those) it's- it's *southern accent* Gnome Mountain, and now like all I want is a Whore series...
Horror...not Whore... and like now like all i want is a horror series based on Return to Oz, like,
it just continues the story and it's like a weekly, like, American Horror Story but
like just weird puppets...and little girls who should be older than they are but
it's like they're Benjamin Button...you know...
come on HBO *snaps* I just cannot imagine watching
this as a child...are you kidding me? Wheeler's? *giggles* no, no, what the f*ck how did you watch this
as a kid? How did you do that? Oh my god is that why the Walker brothers are so
weird? Huh.
*Outro music*