- All right, everyone take a seat.
- Wait, why does Justin have a church in his house?
- And why does the cross have a little foot on it?
- Oh, that's a "T" for Theroux,
because Justin believes in himself so much.
- Ugh, ew. Can we just go back down to the living room?
- No, there's a lot of bad stuff in this binder,
and I don't want Chase to hear.
Now, I want to start with Cary.
- Great, yes, I've done a lot of bad things.
Um, when I was 11 years old,
I would get boners in church because one of the altar boys
was super hot, so I would just tuck my dick
up into my belt during communion.
- Cary. - I know which altar boy.
- And when was in the eighth grade,
we took a class trip to Water World,
and I purposefully rode the log flume
with my friend Kevin's dad so I could buy
the picture afterwards and masturbate to it.
- Oh, honey, did you hear he died?
- I did.
And when I was 23, I worked at a hotel
and Christopher Meloni stayed there,
and one day he went out to the pool,
so I snuck into his room and smelled his underwear.
But then he returned to a different room,
so I don't know whose underwear I smelled.
- Oh, my God. Cary, let me cut to the chase.
- Ooh, we should trademark that, my God.
- I meant things I could find online.
You just described three private, sad moments.
How would I find those things?
- Oh.
Then...
I'm just kidding.
- You know what, I didn't find anything bad on you.
- Good.
- You can go do your little play,
but, Cary, please have sex.
- I'm trying.
- I know something bad that I did online.
- Good luck, babe.
- Beth Kellogg from church
is always posting photos of these ducks in her yard.
So one night, I did have a little glass of wine,
I commented, "Enough with the ducks,"
and then I unfriended her.
I already had to change churches,
and now I'm so worried it's gonna ruin Chase's career.
- Awww, that is absolutely not in this binder.
- Ah.
- Every single thing in here
is about Brooke.
- Oh. - Excuse me?
No, my whole thing is smart, young progressive.
So I don't know what you think you found,
but...was it my Gchats?
- Nope. - Oh, then I'm golden.
Come at me.
- You used the word "retarded" on Twitter
no less than 56 times.
- I mean, are we sure that was me?
- Your first tweet was, "Twitter is retarded.
Come at me."
- Ooh.
Well, that was a long time ago.
Now I'm a social justice warrior.
People on Twitter always tell me
I'm a classic white feminist.
- That's not good.
And we deleted that account. - What?
- I also deleted photos of you from Halloween
as Terri Schiavo. - What?
- Okay, I went as Terri Schiavo before,
and then I happened to pass out at the party.
- Okay, shall I continue?
- Well, if you have anything else.
- Let's talk about your LiveJournal.
- Oh, no.
- What do you mean?
He's our brother.
- Keep your voice down. He's been through enough.
- He has a right to know. - No, we have to protect him.
[cell phone buzzes] That's what family does.
So it's settled.
We decide tomorrow.
- Agreed. Brian?
- No. - No?
- You think I want to say no?
Like some kind of sick freak?
- Of course not, but-- - But nothing!
We decide the day after tomorrow.
- And finally, your Venmo account.
- Okay, what could I have possibly done wrong on Venmo?
- Every time you pay Cary for anything,
you write that it's for "slamming that puss."
- Brooke. - Well, okay.
That is just sibling humor.
- We deleted that account too.
- [sighs] - And that's it.
- Really? I'm okay?
- Well, karmically, you need to do some soul searching.
- Yeah. - Optically, we're fine.
- Okay. - All right.
Let's call Yendani, people.
- This is gonna be so romantic.
[beep]
- Hi, Yendani.
- Hey, Chase.
- Okay, kids, so tonight
we'll start off with Instagram live,
and then tomorrow I have you on the red carpet
for the Hot 97 Summer Jam.
- Oh, my God, I love Summer Jam.
Okay, one year I got so drunk, and I went home with this guy,
but I was dating somebody else,
and so I waited until he was asleep to kiss him.
That way it wasn't cheating.
[laughs] - That's sexual assault.
- Oh, oh. No, no, you're confused.
I'm a girl, and he just wasn't awake.
And I kissed him, so...
- Yeah, no, that's sexual assault.
- You know, you make a great point, Yendani,
and we're gonna take a break and just think about that.
So...
Okay, we're on mute now.
So everybody keep smiling and don't move your lips,
'cause this is very bad.
- Am I doing it? Are my lips moving?
- Oh, I gotta get those pictures.
Who do I gotta suck? Who do I gotta [bleep]?
- There are no pictures.
- Did he wake up and file a report?
- No, he doesn't know. Like, nobody knows.
- Oh, nobody knows?
Okay, ooh.
- Oh, okay. - Who gives a shit?
- Okay, we're fine. We're fine.
- No, we're not fine.
Yendani said it. I committed sexual assault.
- But no one knows. - But I know.
And strong, powerful women
like me and Yendani,
we don't do stuff like this.
I have to go tell him.
Someone DVR "Real Housewives of Atlanta" for me.
- I don't think Justin has DVR.
- Damn it.