WELCOME ONE AND ALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THERE'S BIG DOIN'S IS WHAT THERE IS.
I MEAN, THE WHEEL KEEPS ON TURNING.
ON SATURDAY, A MAJOR OIL PROCESSING FACILITY IN SAUDI
ARABIA WAS KNOCKED OUT BY DRONE STRIKES.
RESPONSIBILITY WAS IMMEDIATELY TAKEN BY HOUTHI REBELS.
ALSO KNOWN AS "HOUTHI AND THE BLOW-UP ( BLEEP )."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S THE TRANSLATION.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THESE HOUTHI REBELS ARE IN
YEMEN, SO, WE'RE GOING TO BOMB IRAN.
( LAUGHTER ) OR NOT.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S AMERICA AT WHA?
( LAUGHTER ) WHILE THE HOUTHIS CLAIM THEY DID
IT, THE ADMINISTRATION BLAMES THE HOUTHI'S ALLIES, IRAN.
ACCORDING TO ONE INTELLIGENCE EXPERT, "THIS IS THE HANDIWORK
OF A SOPHISTICATED, MOST LIKELY STATE ACTOR, AND MOST LIKELY THE
WORK OF A GOVERNMENT OR GOVERNMENT-SPONSORED GROUP,"
AND ARGUED THAT SUCH AN ATTACK COULD NOT BE CARRIED OUT WITH
TEN DRONES, WHICH THE HOUTHIS CLAIMED TO HAVE USED.
YES, DRONES ARE HIGHLY-ADVANCED TECH.
SO THEY'VE NARROWED DOWN THE SUSPECT TO IRAN OR YOUR DAD WHO
JUST BOUGHT A QUAD-COPTER AT BEST BUY.
( LAUGHTER ) TOTALLY SWEET.
WE'RE TAKING THE FAMILY PICTURE.
WE'RE TAKING THE FAMILY PICTURE THIS WAY THIS YEAR.
WE'RE DOING THE CHRISTMAS CARD!
EVERYBODY IN THE YARD, EVERYBODY!
OH, I BLEW UP AN OIL REFINERY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
ANYWAY, OUR TOP INTELLIGENCE OFFICIALS THINK IRAN DID IT, AND
SO DOES OUR TOP UNINTELLIGENCE OFFICIAL-- DONALD TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHO -- WHO -- ( PIANO RIFF )
WHO TWEETED: (AS TRUMP)
"SAUDI ARABIA OIL SUPPLY WAS ATTACKED.
THERE IS REASON TO BELIEVE THAT WE KNOW THE CULPRIT, ARE LOCKED
AND LOADED DEPENDING ON VERIFICATION."
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
YOU DON'T GET TO BE "LOCKED AND LOADED" AND WAIT "ON
VERIFICATION."
( LAUGHTER ) DIRTY HARRY DIDN'T SAY (AS DIRTY
HARRY) "GO AHEAD, MAKE MY DAY...
ONCE YOU'VE BEEN FOUND GUILTY BY A JURY OF YOUR PEERS, PUNK."
( LAUGHTER ) HE CONTINUED, (AS TRUMP)
"WAITING TO HEAR FROM THE KINGDOM AS TO WHO THEY BELIEVE
WAS THE CAUSE OF THIS ATTACK, AND UNDER WHAT TERMS WE WOULD
PROCEED!" OH, I KEEP FORGETTING THAT CROWN
PRINCE MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN NOW TELLS THE U.S. PRESIDENT WHO TO
ATTACK AND HOW.
IT'S ALL PART OF THE TRUMP HOTEL REWARD PROGRAM: "RENT 500 ROOMS,
GET A FREE WAR!" ( LAUGHTER )
THIS MORNING, AFTER THE ATTACK, CRUDE OIL PRICES ROSE SHARPLY,
BUT TRUMP SAYS NEVER FEAR, TWEETING, "BASED ON THE ATTACK
ON SAUDI ARABIA, WHICH MAY HAVE AN IMPACT ON OIL PRICES, I HAVE
AUTHORIZED THE RELEASE OF OIL FROM THE STRATEGIC PETROLEUM
RESERVE."
WHICH, OF COURSE, IS HIS NICKNAME FOR DON JR'S SCALP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
(TRUMP ACCENT) WE HIT A GUSHER.
THEN, TRUMP PUT EVERYONE'S MINDS AT EASE BY BLURTING OUT: "PLENTY
OF OIL!" ( LAUGHTER )
"PLENTY -- PLENTY OF OIL."
SOUNDS LIKE SIRI ACCIDENTALLY RECORDED TRUMP'S K.F.C. ORDER.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, I LOVE IT.
I LOVE IT WHEN IT SQUIRTS DOWN THE THROAT, MAN.
>> Jon: ORIGINAL RECIPE.
>> Stephen: ORIGINAL RECIPE, ONLY WAY TO GO.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THIS AFTERNOON, TRUMP
INVITED REPORTERS INTO THE OVAL OFFICE
TO ATTEND A PRESIDENTIAL MANSPREADING, AND DELIVERED A
BRAND NEW EPISODE OF: CHAIR CHAT OPEN.
TRUMP HELD TODAY'S CHAIR CHAT WITH THE CROWN PRINCE OF
BAHRAIN, AND ANSWERED SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT AMERICA'S
POTENTIAL NEW WAR WITH IRAN.
>> I DON'T WANT WAR WITH ANYBODY.
I AM SOMEBODY THAT WOULD LIKE NOT TO HAVE WAR.
WE HAVE THE STRONGEST MILITARY IN THE WORLD.
WE HAVE THE BEST EQUIPMENT IN THE WORLD, WE HAVE THE BEST
MISSILES.
BUT, NO, I DON'T WANT WAR WITH ANYBODY.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "AS YOU KNOW, I WILL DO ANYTHING
TO AVOID A WAR.
IF IT COMES DOWN TO IT, I'LL SAY THAT THE ENTIRE AIR FORCE HAS
PLANE SPURS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY DO.
SO SAD.
IT'S SO -- IT'S SO, SO SAD.
IT'S SO -- IT'S SO -- IT'S SO -- IT'S SO SAD.
( PIANO RIFF ) AND HE DROVE HOME THE POINT THAT
AMERICA IS PREPARED.
>> THE UNITED STATES IS MORE PREPARED THAN ANY COUNTRY IN THE
HISTORY OF-- OF, IN ANY HISTORY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"OF -- OF... YOU KNOW THE THING WE LIVE ON.
BIG, FLAT, DRAGONS ON THE EDGES."