- Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to my channel.
This video is all about the myths about monogamy
that are ruining our relationships,
and not just long-term monogamous relationships,
but our dating experiences and people who,
maybe want to have a monogamous relationship,
our expectations.
It's just ruining it all, really.
I think I first started encountering these ideas
from Esther Perel's Ted talks,
and also just from the more I learn about polyamory.
I'm just like,
ah, monogamous people could learn a thing or two
about how you value and do relationships.
In our society, monogamy is seen as aspirational.
It's put on a pedestal
as the thing that we should all strive for.
And it's also just completely normalised and assumed
and we never questioned it,
we're just told from a really young age
that a monogamous relationship structure
is the thing that we will all have eventually,
and is also the thing that we will all want to have,
but for a lot of people,
our cultural interpretations of monogamy are too rigid.
And the truth is, a lot of people cheat.
A lot of people cheat.
So, if people are cheating, is that relationship monogamous?
They thought it was.
And the reality is, monogamy isn't for everyone,
so why are we pretending that it is?
And this is not gonna be a video about polyamory,
it's not a video saying, we should all be polyamorous,
but it is gonna be a video
about how monogamy and relationships are customizable.
We don't have to take this blueprint that society gives us
of like cis, heteronormative, monogamous, sexual,
and romantic relationship,
and just go, oh, that's fits,
because for most people,
even if you are cis and heterosexual
and in a monogamous relationship like myself,
even I'm like, hey, these things don't even fit me,
so how can we even expect them to fit people who don't fit
into the cis, hetero relationship structures?
It doesn't serve any of us.
So yes, I am in a monogamous relationship with a man.
I am married.
And a lot of these myths about monogamy
are things that I have absorbed over the years
and are things that, in our relationship,
we talk about, we are open about,
we acknowledge that these are messages that we've received
and we're by no means, perfect.
It's definitely like a process of unlearning lots of things,
and actually going, hey, what kind of relationship
will suit us best as individuals, not as like,
oh, well, this is how a monogamous relationship
is supposed to go, so I guess we'll just do that.
So these myths come from Toxic Monogamy Culture,
which I believe was a term coined by Hillary Berry,
the medium article that has been cited a few times
for this, doesn't exist anymore.
So I don't know, but that is what I believe.
But there's lots of other people talking about this online.
I think I was first introduced to the term
Toxic Monogamy Culture from a Tumblr post.
So, it's disseminated throughout the internet.
But basically, Toxic Monogamy Culture is defined as,
monogamy as a cultural institution that has been interpreted
and practised in unhealthy ways.
And it's so pervasive that it can even impact
polyamorous relationships,
who arguably maybe have more understanding
about these kinds of things, but it still seeps in.
Even though what I believe was the original article
on Toxic Monogamy Culture is no longer available,
I found this really great one on the website of allgo.
I think that's how it's pronounced,
who are a charitable organisation
working with Queer People of Colour in Texas.
So thank you to them for sharing the ideas
from that original post on their website.
And I'd never heard of them before
until I found the article
and it looks like they do amazing work in Texas
with Queer People of Colour in different communities.
So definitely check them out
and I will be donating to them as well.
So have a look.
And if you're in Texas,
and you're a Queer person of colour, have a look.
So these are six myths about monogamy
that are ruining our relationships.
The first is that, if you truly loves somebody,
you will never be attracted to anyone else.
I bought into this so hard. (giggles)
Being attracted to somebody else who isn't your partner
does not devalue your love for them.
And there's also lots of different types of attraction,
romantic, sexual, sensual, aesthetic.
You might find yourself being attracted to friends,
colleagues, complete strangers,
who you pass on the street or celebrities
like people that you see on TV, fictional characters.
And this is something that took me
a really long time to realise,
and I still feel like it's a bit more complicated,
but these feelings are ultimately not in our control.
Like if we develop a crush for someone
or if we're attracted to somebody,
oftentimes it just happens.
And we're like, oh. (giggles)
And I think it's really important
when you're in a relationship to acknowledge
that you can have feelings of attraction to other people,
but you're not necessarily in control of those feelings,
so why should we be blamed for them?
I think we're in control of playing to those feelings,
and like, to get obviously like doing something
about those feelings,
but I don't believe the feelings
themselves are in our control.
I would love to hear what you think about that.
So I have this pattern in my teenage years
and my early twenties,
where I would only fancy one person at a time.
And if I developed a new crush,
those feelings would replace my old crush feelings,
and suddenly it was all about this new person.
That definitely did mean that when I was younger,
I was very fickle
and was just like bouncing from crush to crush, to crush.
But in my current relationship,
I've been able to have crushes towards other people
and it not impact my feelings towards my partner.
And granted, these crushes tend to be
like pretty low stakes,
like I have no interest in actually doing anything about it.
I'm just like, oh, they're nice,
and I kind of get like fluttery feelings around them,
and I'm like, oh, hello.
But honestly, the first time that happened to me,
because I was so used to developing feelings
and then those feelings immediately replacing
whoever my attraction was directed towards before,
I like developed a crush on somebody
and I still fancied my partner.
And I was like, what is happening?
I'm so confused.
I don't understand,
because this has never happened to me before.
Like, I honestly like full on panicked.
I'm really lucky that I'm in a relationship
where we can talk about it,
but that first conversation was so hot.
I also didn't know if I wanted to tell him,
I was like should I tell my partner
that I have this crush on this other person?
And I ended up doing it
because it was like eating me up alive.
Like, I felt horrible.
And so it was really difficult
as navigating this new territory,
but now in our relationship,
because we had that really difficult first conversation
it's just this ongoing lighthearted thing,
where we don't blame each other
for developing feelings for each other.
If anything, it's like a fun thing to discuss together,
and it feels really good.
Not like how it felt that first time, where I was just like,
oh, my God, I'm a terrible person.
And of course with that reassurance
of our feelings for each other.
The second myth is that,
the relationship always comes first.
This comes down to the fact that as a society
and as individuals, a lot of the time
we have a hierarchy of relationship importance.
But if your romantic relationship automatically comes first
all of the time, it devalues the commitments that you make
with other people in your life
and devalues the promises that you make to them.
It's really important to respect
your partners or the commitments.
For instance, if a really important work event
for them came up, but it was on your anniversary,
a lot of people might find that, absolutely no.
Like, our anniversary comes first, but not necessarily,
but Toxic Monogamy Culture makes us think
that our relationship comes first and foremost
over everything, over any other commitments and promises
that we make to other people.
Obviously, if something really tragic happens
and your partner ends up in the hospital,
cancel all your plans, cancel.
But it comes down to the context
and honouring the commitments that you make to other people
outside of the relationship myth.
Myth number three is that,
your romantic partner has to fulfil every single emotional,
social, and physical need that you have.
This is one that I definitely learned from Esther Perel.
I was like, oh, yeah,
why do we expect our monogamous romantic partners
to be everything to us?
Dan is terrible at massages, but you know what?
That's fine.
Well, it's not fine this year
because no one else has been allowed to touch me.
But in a normal year, my friends,
my mother is great at massages,
and also I can pay a professional for a massage.
Dan doesn't have to fulfil that need to me.
I mean, it would be great if he did,
but not gonna hold it against him.
We have so many different needs
and expecting one person to fulfil them all for us
is just a recipe for disaster.
And it's also a really double edged sword.
If your partner doesn't meet your needs,
then we view them as inadequate.
Or if you're the partner with lots of needs,
then you're needy and no one is winning in that situation.
I would definitely recommend checking out
the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord,
Dan and I did a special Patreon podcast episode,
going through all of the different things
on that board and kind of discussing
if that's something that we want in our relationship,
and to what extent, like is like exclusive to us as well?
So it's really important to have these conversations
with people, especially like in a long-term partnership.
Do you need them to be your best friend?
Do they need to be the best housemate,
best co-parent, best financial partner, best travel partner,
best conversationalist, best sexual partner?
And then what areas of your life are exclusive
being emotionally vulnerable with each other?
Is that something that you only do together
or you can be emotionally vulnerable with other people too.
Sex is that something that is only exclusive
to the two of you
or is that something that you can do with other people?
Porn, masturbation, these are all things,
especially in like Toxic Monogamy Culture,
very much it's like, well, once you're in a relationship
you don't need to masturbate,
or if you're in a relationship,
you shouldn't be watching porn.
That is toxic Monogamy culture.
Lockdown this year has been,
especially eye-opening for me and Dan,
because it kind of highlighted a lot of our needs more,
and because we were the only people
who we could really spend a lot of time with this year,
it was actually as if that person
had to provide for all of our needs,
and we found ourselves butting heads a lot.
Normally, a lot of my needs
that I get fulfilled outside of our relationship,
like shared hobbies, different topics of conversation,
doing like activities, like going to the theatre,
or like going to parties and like socialising with people,
those are all things that I often do outside
of our relationship and are things that I need
as an extrovert who likes to go out and do things.
And Dan, he has a lot of needs,
where he needs to be left alone.
And I'm just like in the house the whole time being like,
entertain me,
and he's just like, leave me the fuck alone. (giggles)
So we really had to sit down and just be like,
we're bickering a lot, like our needs aren't being met.
How can we actually balance this out?
And so we had to make exceptions
to how we would normally do it, where we're like,
okay, I'm gonna fulfil this need for you
that I wouldn't normally fill for you,
but we're in exceptional circumstances.
So it definitely highlighted a lot of stuff for us.
Myth number four is that, Love Conquers All!
Oh, how romantic.
But the thing is, is the practical compatibility,
no matter how unromantic that sounds, is so important.
This could be things like your lifestyle,
where you want to live,
do you wanna get married?
Have kids?
What kind of job that you have?
What are your religious beliefs?
What are your politics?
What are your career and life plans?
Just timing.
Where do you live?
Is it long distance?
The love may be real
but if practical compatibilities do not align,
it might be really difficult to sustain a healthy
and nourishing and satisfying relationship.
And if you're having issues in a relationship,
it is not the case that,
well, as long as we love each other,
we can make anything work.
Not necessarily.
There might just be some things that love cannot solve.
And on the flip side, practical compatibility
might be a reason for a relationship working really well,
and there is nothing wrong with that.
Myth number five is that,
jealousy and possessiveness are an indicator of love.
Now, this one pisses me off.
Here's the thing.
Jealousy is a natural human emotion,
and I'm not here to shame those feelings.
What we need though,
is more emotional literacy around jealousy
so that we're able to actually pinpoint
what is causing those feelings,
and be able to describe and communicate
that with our partner.
I would highly recommend checking out
Meg-John & Justin's Podcast episode on jealousy,
they go real deep into what happened?
What are you feeling?
Is it sadness, anger, anxiety?
Like where is the jealousy stemming from?
Jealousy is kinda like this umbrella thing,
but finding out its root cause will actually help
to navigate whatever situation brought up those feelings.
And, oh, boy, do we love to romanticise jealous, possessive
and controlling behaviour that's actually really harmful?
The way that we see a lot of these behaviours
depicted in the media and romanticised,
means that we're actually unable to recognise them
as potential red flags.
We just think, oh, they really care about me,
and this is just their way of expressing their love,
when actually things like, demanding to know where you are
and who you're with all of the time,
creating rules and restrictions around your own behaviour,
checking your phone without your consent,
sneaking into your bedroom
and watching you whilst you sleep,
that is not loving behaviour.
And myth number six is that,
affection and love are in limited supply.
Toxic Monogamy Culture would have us believe
that love and affection is a zero-sum game,
where if one person is winning
that means another person must be losing.
When in fact, there is enough love and affection to go round
for all of us, for everyone.
It is not limited, it is in abundance.
We have the ability to show affection
and love to many, many people.
Polyamorous people know this very well,
but when we're talking about monogamous context,
this also means our family relationships, our friendships,
like other people and the affection and love
that we show to other people outside of our relationship
does not threaten the relationship.
The love is in abundance.
You are not losing out
if your partner shows affection to a friend.
And I think it's also really interesting to note
that pickup artists, very much function
within this idea that it is a zero-sum game.
Like, well, if I'm sleeping with her
then somebody else isn't,
and therefore, I win, they lose.
That doesn't really sound like a very healthy way
to view relationships and other human beings.
One of the biggest problems I believe is the value
that we place on romantic relationships
as a cultural institution in our society.
So much of our society, our politics, just the way
our world is organised, is organised around couples.
Is organised around two people, units,
who then have their nuclear family.
The value that we place
on romantic relationships as a whole,
but then also the value that we feel from a partner
can impact how we value ourselves.
But it is so important to know
that we can base how we value ourselves
on all of our different living relationships.
And yes, that includes our relationship with ourself,
because that is absolutely a relationship that we all have.
So whilst society makes us believe
that our value is based
of somebody finding us romantically or sexually attractive,
being in a monogamous romantic partnerships,
society makes us believe that that is what gives us value.
It becomes the threshold for how we value ourselves,
but we need to move it or just scrap it entirely.
Thank you so much for watching.
This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart
as somebody who is personally navigating
this in a relationship, but also as somebody
who makes content about sex and relationships.
And I just see so many of these awful pervasive ideas
that we just absorbed from society.
And so I really hope that then like the sex
and relationships education that we're getting
is like fighting against that.
And I think that we assume that the messages
that we're giving young people about monogamy
and about romantic relationships are harmless,
but they are not, they are far from it.
I would love to hear your thoughts
about all of this in the comments below.
This is actually my last video of 2020.
So we're taking a couple of weeks off,
but I'll be back in the new year
for the more sex and relationships content.
And I hope you're well, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year,
all of that stuff.
And I'll see you then, bye.