'The barbarian will be killed any moment, you must save him.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
We’re looking at the generically titled The Sword and the Sorcerer.
I look forward to these films because they’re fun and the plots are always big and bold
– the good guy rescuing the princess from the bad guy’s castle -
nothing slows these reviews up like me having to explain the plot.
‘Get to the point’
Unfortunately, nobody told director, Albert Pyun those rules.
'Get on with it witch.'
Bad King Titus Cromwell raises a demon sorcerer,
‘Who art thou??’
to help him conquer the land
‘How can we be sure a toad like you even has the power to aid us.’
Things not to say to a demon sorcerer, who immediately responds by…
Ripping someone else’s heart out.
The demon helps.
‘Leaving behind a wake of ungodly death disease and destruction.’
but then…
Cromwell kills his ally before the final battle, cos bad guy.
That final battle is against good King Chinbeard.
‘King Richard’
who hears of Cromwell’s approach from a dying soldier.
‘Bring a leech
I’ve already quite a bit of blood.
‘Here on the sea cliffs of __ the fate of Aiden had been decided’
Didn’t we do this scene already?
Cromwell kills Richard
'Let's finish it.'
and his wife,
but his teenage son Talon escapes with his cool sword.
Time passes.
‘Then, just days after the 11th anniversary of Cromwell’s victory over king Richard.’
Eleven years in fact.
‘For 8 years have I been in the black sleep to heal the wounds of Cromwell's treachery.’
8 years in fact.
‘I’ve stalked Zeusha for 10 years’
Somewhere in the vicinity of a decade has passed, how hard is it to get this stuff right?
And Talon now leads a band of warriors,
champion of everyone, except his own kingdom,
where Cromwell still rules having grown the obligatory royal beard.
‘What have we here?’
The ‘dead’ demon Zeusha is also plotting a comeback.
‘And now I shall conquer.’
and there’s a people’s rebellion led by Mica,
son of King Richard’s bestie, so now considered the rightful heir as everyone assumes Talon to be dead,
but it’s going badly.
'Your rebellion is over.'
As well as crushing the rebellion Cromwell has designs on Mica’s sister,
Alana and sends his soldiers after her, some of whom may have skimmed over the details of their orders.
‘Now I poke you with my dagger, eh?’
This is a film that appreciates the sword as penis metaphor.
'Is your sword too small.'
She’s saved by Talon and asks him to rescue her brother which of course he’s happy to do.
‘The life of your brother for one night tiwht you, but I expect my bounty perfumed and pretty.’
I wouldn’t force myself on you like those other guys,
I’ll just hold your brother’s life to ransom for sex, I am the hero after all.
‘I can’t wait to bed you, wench’
Despite having his own team he goes into the dungeons with a handful of rebels
who can’t even stand up to the rats,
but he does find Mica,
just after someone else rescued him,
she’s got the key
and they’ve got no idea you are, you preening jackass.
'Use it or put it away.'
But you see what I mean about the plot;
the rightful heir to the throne who’s made no attempt to avenge his family
despite his father’s last words to him.
‘If I die it will fall upon you to avenge me.’
rescues the ‘not really rightful but will do’ heir to the throne,
whose sister the bad king wants to marry
to legitimise his rule even though he’s been ruling for somewhere around ten years already.
‘Don’t act as if you don’t know who I am’
But then we have Machelli.
‘It’s ironic that the people should owe their freedom to Cromwell’s war chancellor.’
Bad King Cromwell’s chancellor who is in fact demon Zeusha in disguise
and who both instigated and then betrayed the rebellion purely so Cromwell could marry Alana
leading to a big wedding to which all the local kings would be invited so Zeusha can seize power.
‘You will see to it that all the king’s bodyguard’s are dead before the assassinations begin’
At least, that was how I understood the plot,
which gets the Eliot Carver Award for most unnecessarily convoluted evil plan of 1982.
'There's no news like, bad news.'
‘In three hours’ time, one man will control the entire civilised world’
I also said these films should be is fun and we have some cool images,
adequate action.
and as ever, women not wearing very much.
'I'd love to stay, but...'
Talon is an ass,
‘What do you take me for?’
but that’s not unusual in the genre.
The bigger problem for me is; remember the girl who rescued Mica?
'These two had nothing to say so I cut out their tongues’
We’re not dwelling on it but this is torture-heavy,
Talon gets crucified,
although his arms keep changing position which, in that situation; really not an option.
After escaping, Talon faces Zeusha, using the sword that,
like his followers, is conspicuously absent for most of the movie,
but of course he won’t use that to face Cromwell,
a man of honour, which I might respect if Alana wasn’t currently being crushed by a snake.
I think it was crushing her.
He does of course save her.
‘Don’t we have some business to attend to?
'After you’
How romantic.
‘So the debt’s been paid eh, General’
‘Aye’
and having nailed Alana he’s off again to help those in need,
provided those in need are willing to sleep with him.
'Kingdoms to save and women and to love.'
Coming soon. I was going to mock that but,
shut my mouth, a mere 28 years later Albert Pyun released Tales of the Ancient Empire,
which is apparently even worse,
'Ho, an adventure.'
and this review will have to do spectacularly well for us to review that.
'That's a small theat.'
Thanks for watching. To see more sword and sorcery reviews click here.
What are cinema’s most complicated bad guy plans and do any comes close to Zeusha’s?
Let us know in the comments below.
'Now go before it is too late.'